Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Dr. Cox!
You might want to knock, he's in an imaginary glass bubble.
[Lonnie knocks]
[pantomimes opening a window] What?
[looking down at Dr. Cox] I need help with a patient.
Twenty minutes.
[begins to walk away, turns around] Hey, how long does it take for an old woman to slowly bleed to death?
How do you know sign language?
Well, when I was in high school I was a volunteer janitor at the Hoboken Zoo. And one night I was out plucking peacock feathers to sell for pens when I noticed Gary the gorilla making the sign for food. I gave him my danish. He gave the sign for "thank you". Those were the only two signs that Gary knew. Except for boobs. He liked 'em big and hairy.
Join the club, playa.
Get away.
[shrugs] Okay. [leaves]
So, eventually Gary, I'm sorry to say, died of lung cancer. For that I blame myself, because I used to share my smokes with him. But he also piqued my interest in signing, and in his memory I took my first signing class.
Is any of that true?
Someone would have to read it back to me.
If Turk's mind is set on something, it can't be changed! I can't even imagine how I'd try.
[J.D. begins to enter a fantasy; however, the show's viewpoint remains in the real world]
[voiceover] Oh, great. There he goes off into his fantasy world. Now I'm stuck here waiting until he snaps out of it with some weird comment.
We'd have to find a whole lot of gnomes!
That's helpful.
What are you thinking, Ted?
[voiceover] I could jam this [knife] through the soft spot on his temple, then slit my wrists with it before anyone got in to stop me... [to Kelso] The usual, sir.
Well, you'd never do it; you don't have the guts.
[Carla and the nurses walk in]
If it's okay with you, we'll take that raise now.
Okay, but in this little fantasy of yours, can I not have prostate problems any more? I can't sleep more than 40 minutes without needing to take a whiz...
Unfortunately for you, someone left this invoice for the hospital needles on my desk. And they're really undercharging you! So, either you shell out the extra 20 grand a month for our raises, or we call the needle company and it'll cost you twice that.
[angrily] Ted, are you responsible for this?
[expressionless] Please, sir. I don't have the guts. [voiceover, deliriously happy] Oh yeah! Suck it bitch! I will murder you!
Of course, we could make out.
[J.D. looks at her, surprised]
Yeah, I know it's a little bit trampy but, what the hell, so am I.
Does heart trouble run in your family?
My uncle was shot in the heart.
Hey, guys. I hear there's a Steel Magnolia in room 309 that needs a little pruning.
Todd, she's 68 and has syphilis.
The Todd accepts all applicants, regardless of age or disability.
[Keith has just proposed to Elliot]
[voiceover] As I looked at all the relationships around me... Some that had gone on forever... some that were reigniting... and some that had just begun... I realized something: It should have been me.
[J.D. has just found out Kim did not miscarry their child]
Were you ever planning on telling me?
Yes, but I didn't know what to say.
How about: "J.D., I think there might be something living inside my uterus."
Ah, hey everyone. I've been looking for a new roleplaying game ever since my Lord Of The Rings club booted me for using an actual warhammer, so would anyone mind if I pretended to be Chief of Medicine while Kelso is out of town?
[unison approval]
[suddenly dressed as a doctor] Fantastic! Let's make cancer feel foolish!
Before Izzy was born, if I saw a half-eaten meatball sub in the trash you better believe I would dust that bad boy off and go to town on it! But now, I'm not risking my health eating trash-food. I mean, unless it's a corn dog.
Thank God you've procreated.
I've seen the Wiggles live in concert... twice.
Did they perform "Big Red Car"?
They opened and closed the show with it. It was awesome.
Look Jen, if you need any legal help concerning your accident, you can talk to Jim, who is a very successful bulldog of a lawyer, or you can talk to Ted, who, well—
My mom calls me Thunder.
I'm going to go with the less shiny one.
Tough break there, Thunder.
YOU'RE NOT MY MOM, JIM!!! YOU'RE NOT MY MOM!!!
[Jordan has forced Dr. Cox and Jack to dress in identical outfits]
Wow! You guys look great! I'm gonna get a photographer.
Jordan, I hate this.
Why? I would think an arrogant ass like you would love having his very own clone.
[Dr. Cox puts his hands on his head, and Jack copies him]
Up yours, Bobbo.
Yeah, up yours, Bobbo!
[Awkward pause]
Outstanding.
I can't believe I almost messed things up with Kim. What is wrong with me?
[walking by] You are an annoying, whiny man-child.
That question wasn't directed at you!
What question?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
