My name is Bob Kelso, and I like whores. [pauses while the group stares] Now, why don't I introduce myself like that? Because there is a time and a place for the truth. Take Dorian's intern Brendan, for example. He told his patient that it was the first time he was performing a spinal tap. And what did the patient do, doctor?
Well, uh, she started to hyperventilate, and then she reached for a hit of what she thought was an oxygen tank. It turned out to be a helium container from pediatrics. Then she screamed [in a high falsetto] "I'll kill you bitches!", which, frankly, we all thought was hilarious.
Oh, indeed it was. But you know what wasn't? When she ran for the door, tripped and fell, and broke her femur. Now she's suing the hospital. And since Ted is our lawyer, what's going to happen?
[voiceover] Suddenly, all of our memories of the last six years came flooding back, like a clip show in some sitcom too lazy to come up with a fresh story.
Look, man, we all have those bleak moments where we swear we'll never bounce back. Like when I was seventeen, my mom walked in my room with a look that I had never seen. She said, "it's over Turk... Michael Jordan's career is over."
Here you go, sport. But call me "Grandpa" again and you and I are going to play a little game called "hide the wingtip". There may be a generational gap here, I'll explain. The wingtip is my shoe, the hiding place is your ass.
Okay, I made you breakfast, the kitchen's as clean as a whistle, I'm gonna drop Jack off at daycare on the way to work, is there anything else I can do for you?
I need you to go to the video store and get me anything with Viggo Somethingsen. I need white chocolate, strawberry seltzer, peppercorn brie and a polaroid of the tomato plant that I planted last spring, because I'm worried it may have snails. Oh, and if you see that neighbor Lena from down the hall I want you to roll your eyes and say the word "slut" under your breath, but loud enough so she can hear, and don't forget to be home by 6:30 because you gotta give Jack his bath before you make my dinner!
Look. If that's the way you choose to see the world, then so be it. But don't you dare try to take this away from me. I've been coming in here every day for 24 years, watching children die and seeing good people suffer. And if I quit believing that there was a bigger plan behind all this? Well, I just wouldn't be able to show up tomorrow. So just stop it!
[to Laverne] Wow. I'm still not ready to do this. It's gonna be so weird not having you by my side everyday. Making fun of the doctors. Going on and on about Jesus; man, I hope he's real or you're gonna be pissed. Remember my first day? When that patient came in and started bleeding out on me. I was so shocked I could barely move. But you stood by my side. And you guided me through it. And then you did the most amazing thing of all: you made me laugh. [chokes up] For the last 15 years you've been my role model, but most of all you've been my friend. And I don't know what else to say, but [crying] I'm really, really gonna miss you. Good-bye.
