You're black? 'Cause last I checked you had a nerdy white best friend, you enjoy Neil Diamond, and you damn sure act like a black guy... and these, my friend, are all characteristics of white guys. Please understand, I'm a huge supporter of the NAACP. If you don't know what that stands for, it's the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. And quite frankly, I always thought they should change the 'colored people' to 'African Americans' but then of course it wouldn't be the NAACP, it'd be the N quad A or NAAAA. And I know this probably sounds like a digression but actually brings me back to my original point... Do I think you're black? Naaaaaaaaa!
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
JJanitor
Knock knock. Who's there? Nurse Mophead. Nurse Mophead who? You have a mophead.
I'm having a weird pregnancy craving. Hey, J.D., if you go out, would you get me a hot Italian sausage?
I've got a hot Italian sausage for you, right here!
[blank stares, head shakes]
People think I just walk into these situations, but it's really a lot of hard work. You know what else is hard? ...I should go.
I think I may vomit.
JTJill Tracy
I know he wasn't here yesterday. But I thought maybe he got the day wrong and he'd be here today with roses. Is that sad?
It's not not sad.
Now Dr. Cox needs our help getting through this. Jordan can watch him in the morning and at night, but she's got Jack, plus... she's not that emotionally available.
[cheerfully] I'm dead inside!
You probably wondered why I didn't show up before, huh? I know you wanted me to, even though you'd never admit it. Normally I would kill to get into this apartment, and you'd try and keep me out... I say "try", because at your Super-Bowl party, which I was not invited to, I was lucky enough to be able to watch the second half from right over there. I was the bearded Domino's employee you invited in because I said I was a fan of Jerome Bettis, whoever the hell that is. Anyway, I tried to convince myself the reason I didn't come earlier was because of you coming into work drunk; but that's not it. I was scared. I guess after all this time I still think of you as like this superhero that'll help me out of any situation I'm in. I needed that. But that's my problem, you know, and I'll deal with that. I guess I came over here to tell you... how proud of you I am. Not because you did the best you could for those patients; but because after twenty years of being a doctor, when things go badly, you still take it this hard. And I gotta tell you man, I mean... that's the kind of doctor I want to be. [pours himself a drink]
[narration] Maybe he just needed time to heal, or maybe he just needed to see how much everybody cared, but I'd like to believe it was because of me that he was finally able to say this:
[sees J.D. taking a sip] You don't drink scotch.
[spits it back into the glass] Ugh... That's awful.
Barbie why did you order this test? For the love of God, are you a real doctor or a doctor like Dr. Pepper is a doctor? Hmmm?
JJanitor
Okay, two coins add up to 30 cents, no nickels. I could swear we've done this before. C'mon man, you went to Harvard for god's sake.
TTroy
Relax! I figured it out.
JJanitor
A penny, and... a button, that you wrote '29 cents' on. Think I don't recognize your handwriting?
TTroy
Can't we just kill him?
JJanitor
No. No, Troy, that's what he wants us to do.
Remember when I first started dating Turk and I wanted to bail on him because he cried at the end of sex?
[alarmed] Baby!
[to Turk] Relax, Brown Bear, there's no shame in cry-maxing.
Hey, dudes.
Don't "hey, dudes" us! You know what really bothers me?
Non-threatening colloquial greetings?
Okay, guess what flavor baby food this is.
KKeith
Cab driver feet?
I could give you a whole list of things that suck about being pregnant. For example, I am now horny as I've ever been, and my husband is repulsed by me.
Baby, if you really need it that badly, I will suck it up, close my eyes so tight, and then do you.
Thank you for the sacrifice.
It's because I love you.
[After Carla tells Elliot that she should talk to J.D.]
Yeah. Maybe we can talk about how everyone in this fricking hospital is having a baby except for me. I mean, [Points to Carla] having a baby, [Points to Turk] having a baby, [Points to Dr. Cox] having a second baby, [Points to a nurse] having her husband's best friend's baby. That's right, Mona, everybody knows! [Sees Dr. Beardface staring at her]. What're you looking at, Beardface? You want a kid? Because I swear to God, I will mount you right now!
BBeardface
It's Beardfacé, DAMMIT!
I was so obsessed with getting my J.D. that I never did the things I really wanted to do. Start a family. See the world.
JJanitor
Punch a whale.
Nah, I punched a whale. Right in the face. Down he went, like Liston.
JFJesus figurine
No abortions!
What if the parents are both drug addicts who'd neglect and abuse the child?
JFJesus figurine
Oh, in that case it would be OK.
Really?
JFJesus figurine
NO abortions! How are you not getting this?!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.