Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[J.D. is angry that Elliot has told Keith personal things about him]
J.D. [to Elliot] You know, I am ashamed of you! Do you know how unbelievably petty it is to get that personal?
[The elevator opens, revealing the entire staff]
Once when we were dating, Elliot asked me to urinate on her!
[screeching] I'd been stung by a jellyfish!
Dr. Dorian? Should the IV be leaking like this?
Yes and no... Mostly no... In fact, pretty much all no. First you take a little nipper for yourself... [sips from leaking IV, dribbles some on Cabbage] Ah! Got some on you! That's some of the fun that you can have. No, but really, just watch and learn, Cabbage, watch and learn.
It's an honor to watch you work, sir.
[absently] Take it all in, Cabbage, take it all in...
How come I don't get a nickname?
Not everyone's last name lends itself to a nickname, Keith.
My last name is Dudemeister.
And what am I supposed to do with that, OK? I'm not a magician.
Listen to me, Hedrick, I find your particular brand of psycho-babblery about as effective as fairy dust. If it were up to me, we never would have called you.
[voiceover] "We"? Oh my God, it's finally happened - he's made us a team! [out loud] That's right, Hedrick, we don't need your help! We can handle things around here just fine! In fact, we are thinking about going into private practice together!
What?
[voiceover] Easy, now is not the time to bring up the Dorian-Cox Clinic, much less the relocation to Jacksonville.
He seems strangely impervious to my threats. That annoys me.
And Gandheroo, I need you to talk to a young, pregnant black girl who will not let me call her mom.
Why would she listen to me?
I may have told her that you were Kanye West.
I'm actually alright with that.
Oh, breathe through your nose. You remind me of my bulldog.
You know, as a doctor, I rarely root for the disease, but with you I find myself cheering, "Go hypercalcemia with underlying MEN syndrome. Go, go, go, go!"
Do you drink out of the toilet? My bulldog drinks out of the toilet.
Mr. Barry, I misplaced your chart, I forgot, what's wrong with you again? [looks at Mr. Barry] Oh, that's right, you have a kitty cat stuck in your mouth. Or should I say you have a person stuck around you, little guy. Goochie goochie.
I'm hiding. I really don't want to be bald. I have a sneaking suspicion it won't work for me, I think it might accentuate my spoon-chest.
[grunts an affirmative]
Plus, the girl I'm dating is totally into my hair.
She's gotta be interested in more than just your hair. [J.D. flashes back to the previous night]
[smiling] If it weren't for your hair, I don't think I'd be remotely interested in you. [flashback ends]
I'm sure there's something else she's into. [flashback again]
No, there's nothing else. [flashback ends]
There is, even if she won't admit it.
I just took a pregnancy test, just tell me when a minute's up.
I just put some pizza rolls in the microwave oven; the minute that bad boy dings we're good to go.
Oh, my god, I can't stand it, 30 more seconds.
OK baby, don't get too excited, they have to cool off for at least a minute.
J.D.: No. No more. Here are some of the lies you've told us over the last five years: You went to Harvard. You have a wife who only has a pointer and thumb-pinky. You have a - a brother-dad, a mother-sister. You have two kids, no wait, you have one kid, no wait, you had a baby with a Chinese local, you're a deaf-mute, oh wait, now you're telling us that you're a world class hurdler and you slept with the beautiful and irreplaceable Amy Carter?
I - I didn't sleep with Amy Carter. We did everything but.
[Jordan and Elliot are in the cafeteria]
You know, one of the reasons I divorced Perry was because of his last name.
You don't like Cox?
Actually, I love Cox.
[walks up, knocks on table] Greatest conversation ever.
See, that's the problem.
[offscreen] This sausage is huge!
Excuse me ladies, I'm needed elsewhere.
[to Elliot] Don't tell anyone I'm nice.
I'm not sure that suit works on you.
Thanks for your opinion, Carla, [turning to the camera] but I'm much more interested in what you all think.
We don't love it.
Well who cares, Lonnie, [turning to the camera again and pointing] because all that really matters is whether or not America loves it.
For the last time, it's Americo! And of course I love it, I made it!
He's a dynamite tailor; not sure why he's here.
Life's actually pretty good: Mom lets me live in the attic, I'm driving Dad's old Plymouth Horizon and as I'm Chief Bartender, they let me take home half the extra chicken wings, thank you very much.
Say, Dan. Do you ever have to pinch yourself to make sure it's not all some crazy dream?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
