Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
This Friday, I am receiving an award from the A.M.A.—
Jerk-Off of the Year. No, Bastard of the Year! Uh, don't you tell me! Guy I Despise So Much, I'd Pay Someone To Kill You and Stuff You and Leave You by my Bed, So That When I Wake Up in the Morning, I Could Roll Over and Punch You in the Face...of the Year.
And we're back.
[J.D.'s hand is moving involuntarily after being pummeled during a game of "jiggly ball"]
I think there's something wrong with my spine, because I'm not doing that.
How'd you wind up with a born-again Christian for a sister?
Oh, I don't know. Could be that the TV was broken one day, so she picked up the Bible and thought it was just a darn good read. Or it could be our mother's ability to watch silently while our father drunkenly knocked us from room to room. What do you think there, Newbie?
Uh, probably the "room to room" thing.
I can get mad, Turk, if you give me a little help.
If you had no hair, you'd look like Danny Devito.
Oh Turk, a little help.
[J.D. rode his six-year-old neighbor's tiny scooter to work]
Ronald's gonna be mad.
Yeah? He's six. What's he gonna do, kick my ass? [voiceover] Again.
[to the Janitor] I want you to be in the staff picture.
[Janitor picks up and hugs a clearly terrified Carla]
I thought you were going to kill me.
I fought the urge.
I just don't get what's so great about kids. I mean, "yay! you went poopie in the potty!" There's a monkey at the zoo that can do that... you know, when he's not playing with himself.
So, don't have kids.
But I want to be a mom more than anything else in the world! I know it's crazy, but I'm a girl: it's how we roll.
Why aren't you freaking out? Look at him— your kid's, like, all green and slimy.
I suppose it's because when Jordan was pregnant, I mentally prepared myself for her giving birth to something green and slimy.
Did you hear the lottery's up to $100,000,000? If I win, it's going to be separate beds for me and my mom!
And you could spend the other $99,999,000 on therapy.
[Elliot is caught kissing a young patient's father by Carla.]
Elliot, I can't believe you would do that.
What'd you do?
Was it naughty?
[to J.D. and Turk] You see, yesterday I went shoe shopping, and there was this one pair of...
[looking off into space, to themselves] Shoe shopping.
[to Elliot] Great, we can talk. What were you thinking?
So, we kissed. I've been treating his kid for a week now and we just hit it off, you know. It started off with some innocent flirting: "Hi, I'm Dr. Reid"... "Why is there blood in my son's stool?"...
[J.D. is set up on a blind date with a patient's niece]
[Thinking] I gotta thank Mrs. Nichols for setting this up.
[A woman walks in, and is at least twice J.D.'s age]
[Thinking] Oh, Mrs. Nichols, you blue-haired bitch.
[The woman walks away and a hot girl walks in]
[Thinking] Oh, Mrs. Nichols, your new hip is on the house because this girl is amazing. And yet there is something so accessible about her, I wonder what it is?
[The girl collides with a server and flips a table over]
Oh, I'm gonna have the carrot cake.
Morning, Elliot. By the way, Julie's here, but I'm not gonna kiss and tell.
Oh, really, 'cause I just got your text. That said "Bone City."
[acting surprised] Oh, really. That came through?
[narrating] And now his boyfriend will comfort him.
Don't listen to her Brown Bear, your body's fierce.
Is it?
Like Taye Diggs.
[to Carla] Taye. Diggs.
Look, Julie, I'm very protective of J.D., so it's gonna take a lot for you to win me over.
J.D. wanted me to introduce you to my godfather.
[Billy Dee Williams enters]
Julie's a great girl.
[momentary pause, then begins shrieking] AH-HA-HA-HA, Lando Calrissian! Come here.
[Hugs Williams]
[Laughing] You can call me Billy Dee.
Yes, Lando. Yes.
J.D., I don't want to do this! Can't we just go home and put our PJ's on and watch Grey's Anatomy?
Oh, I do love that show. It's like they've been watching our lives, and then just put it on TV!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
