Check out what I found when I was takin' out the trash! [Shown wearing a top hat]
That is the most ridiculous hat I have ever seen. [voiceover] And I must have it!
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
I need your help.
Fine, but I have three rules. One, when we're in the room you say nothing. Two, I get to say whatever I want about you. And three, if you break rule one or two, I get to boing your curls.
What the hell does "boing" mean?
[pulling on one of Dr. Cox's curls and releasing it] Booiinnng.
Oh God—this is gonna kill me.
How is it that no man understands that every woman, whether she's sixteen or sixty, still has that awkward, insecure, self-conscious teenage girl inside of her?
JJake
[to J.D., about Elliot] That girl's kinda cute, what's her story?
She's a dude.
JJake
Yeah, huh.
Gotta look at the Adam's apple, buddy.
[about Dr. Cox, in his presence] Elliot, do you see the problem with trying to appeal to its human side?
He doesn't have one.
Exactly! But what does he have?
A shaved chest, a closetful of tiny tee shirts, and the eyes of a madman.
CCox
Ohh! I'm sorry! The correct answer she was looking for is a giant ego! I have a giant ego!
Look, Elliot, I've got my own problems. I don't have time to deal with your little sex pickle.
[passing by in his Rascal motor-chair] Really? She spent two years dealing with yours.
I hate that thing!
[Elliot and Jake are about to sleep together for the first time]
I don't think we're going too fast at all. By the way, what do you do?
JJake
I make and distribute Hungarian pornography.
[horrified] Ohh....
JJake
I'm a real estate developer.
Oh, thank God!
Perry, I get the feeling something is bothering you.
Bob, people have a private life and a professional life, and usually those two hells are kept pretty separate. For instance, I don't know that much about your home life other than the fact that you treat your wife like a dog, your dog like a wife, and your son like an androgynous ne'er-do-well who drained your retirement nest egg to open up a yarn shop in Minneapolis.
Harrison posted his first profit this quarter.
Aces. And I'm guessing that's because his significant other...
Terence.
...Terence, doesn't follow him around the shop all day telling him just exactly what color is "in" this season or showing all the other employees that he is not in fact the boss of his own life. You see, the woman is everywhere. She's there when I work out in the morning, when I work out in the car on the way to work, and when I work out when I get to work. I can't seem to get away from her. That used to be fine, when she just came by for five minutes every month or so to feed on my dignity, but now I'd honestly kill myself, Bob, if I weren't absolutely certain that Jordan would be waiting for me in the afterlife. You see, typical of her, she went ahead and signed us up for an eternal tandem bike ride all along the banks of the River Styx.
I'm so glad you shared.
[narration] Maybe I was being unfair to Turk. Maybe it's too much to expect a friend to just sense that you're upset and wanna talk about it. [turns corner in the hallway to where Elliot and Carla are talking]
Carla, I can sense that you're upset. Talk to me!
[narration] OK, but Turk's a prideful guy, and it's hard for prideful guys to admit when they've been insensitive. [turns corner in the hallway to where Dr. Cox and Jordan are talking]
Listen, Jordan, I've been incredibly insensitive.
[narration] Touché, magic hallway!
Listen, if you're having trouble finding a vein for an IV, please don't page me. If you're desperate, we're lucky: this is a city hospital, there are plenty of heroin addicts who are quite adept at this.
Jason, when you're filling out a female patient's exam report, her breasts can be "healthy" or "unhealthy," but never "bangin' double-Ds."
[J.D. enters as Turk is washing up]
Hey Turk, I'm gonna go across the street and get some coffee. You want one?
Get me a small one-pump mocha.
[voiceover] The perfect set-up to a joke, but no one's around to hear!
[He hefts Turk over his shoulder and carries him out, through the halls, and downstairs.]
Whoa! Dude! Noooooo! Dude!
[J.D. plunks Turk down in front of Dr. Cox]
So what did you want me to get you?
A small one-pump mocha?
Wasn't that your nickname in high school? Helloooooo!
Dude, there's a guy upstairs waiting to have his spleen removed!
It was worth it!
[To Dr.Cox] Get off my back. I'm not in the mood.
[J.D. hefts Turk over his shoulder and carries him out to Carla, who's sitting at a bar.]
Say that again.
Get off my back. I'm not in the mood.
That's what she said! [points to Carla] Zoom ZOOM zoom!
J.D., you have to get out! This place is tiny and I'm sick of seeing your man-panties hanging all over the bathroom.
They're called boxers, Carla.
They're satin, J.D.
With a breathable cotton crotch panel. [voiceover] King me!
Carla, at 6:41 tomorrow evening, I turn thirty. I have to find one thing on this list I can do by then.
Maybe you could swing by our parts department and pick up a pair of testes.
Haven't you used that joke, like, a trillion times?
I'm okay with it.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.