Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Gotcha, Pontiac Bandit. Where's Doug Judy?
He went to the bathroom. I'm just here to give 'im a haircut. I don't know what's going on.
A likely story, Pontiac- actually, you do have a lot of hair products.
He's gone. He ran.
Why would he do that? He helped us catch the Pontiac Bandit; that was the deal. Doesn't make any sense unless- Doug Judy is the Pontiac Bandit.
So you dragged us over here, pretended to talk, and then snuck out the basement. Am I right?
The basement connected to another basement! Which connected to a garage! Which is where my boy picked me up!
Your boy? Oh, that guy from the meetup. He works for you. He pretended to be spooked by me and Diaz in the parking lot to be sure we let you go to the next meeting by yourself.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! You win a teddy bear!
You lied to me, Doug Judy. I gotta be honest, I'm pretty disappointed right now. I mean, was that even really your mom?
Hell yeah, that was my real mom. I wanted to see her one last time before I disappeared. I told you I was sensitive, Rosa!
Yeah, you did. Why don't you come back here and take me out to dinner?
Ah... I know you're trying to trap me! But crazy thing is, I'm tempted! That's how hot I find you. Sorry it had to go down this way, Peralta. Maybe we could've been friends in another world. If I hadn't just fooled ya, like a little bitch! [Throws his listening wire out of the Firebird] Ha ha! Bitch!
Peralta.
Santiago. The bet ends today. Are you ready?
I was born ready.
To lose? The whole question was, "Are you ready to lose?" and you said you were born that way.
Twist my words all you want.
Okay.
I'm winning this bet.
What bet? What're you guys talking about?
Seriously? The bet? They've been keeping score all year. It comes up all the time. What are you doin all day?
Nothin'. Why, you wanna hang out?
[Two men have backed a cargo truck up to a building one night and are getting to work as Jake and Amy approach them.]
All right, fine, darling; I'll ask him. Excuse me, sir!
We're kind of busy here.
Yeah, my girlfriend here, thinks we're lost.
No, I know we're lost! I think he's an idiot.
Idiot?! Do you know why we're out here in the middle of the night, Susan? I was gonna propose to you! On the Brooklyn Bridge, where we met.
Brooklyn Bridge?! We met on the Manhattan Bridge!
You know what? This is over. Say goodbye to this ring and everything it represents! [Jake holds up the ring and throws it away.]
[Gasps] You son of a bitch!
Hey! Stop yelling.
Hey, no one talks to Susan like that. And you know what else? [Jake and Amy draw their concealed pistols] On the ground! NYPD! You're under arrest! [The two men put their hands behind their heads and get on their knees.] Nice work.
You, too.
I'm sad y'all are arresting me, but I gotta say, I'm glad you're back together.
The Ebony Falcon needs to read Go, Dog, Go! !
Yeah, he does! Terry Jeffords is back! Chest bump me!
You don't wanna do this, man.
No, I really do.
It hurts you every time.
No, I know, but I'm fired up. The adrenaline is gonna carry me through. Here we go!
[Terry and Jake chest-bump, and Terry effortlessly knocks Jake to the floor.]
Can you estimate the value of everything that was taken?
Emotionally? $700 million.
What's my name?
Terry Jeffords.
WHAT IS MY NAME?!
The Ebony Falcon.
And what does the Ebony Falcon do?
Takes every precaution to ensure his own safety?
[Growls]
Takes bad guys to jail and bad girls to bed.
Hell yeah he does! Except now the Ebony Falcon is monogamous and too tired for sex, so his only indulgence is fresh fruit yogurt parfaits. [Terry leaves]
Terry loves yogurt.
[Before the detectives start a football game]
We've busted murderers; we've taken down cartels. But today we face the worst New York has to offer- the Fire Department. [The two teams approach each other] Fire Marshal Boone; we meet again.
Detective Paralta. Your fly is down. I made you look.
I didn't look. And I'm wearing shorts; there is no fly.
That's not what your mom said.
You make no sense.
And now I'm inside your head.
Prepare to die.
[Operation Broken Feather has commenced; the detectives are stalling The Vulture as Jake works to get a confession from a suspect.]
Okay, Gus. I don't have a lot of time. I need your full, signed confession. We have four minutes. We can do this.
But I'm not guilty.
[Slams his hands on the table and leans in] Listen to me, Gus. We can do this, son!
[Peralta enters wine shop]
Hello good sir, I would like your finest bottle of wine, please.
That will be $1,600.
Great, I'd like your eight-dollar-est bottle of wine, please.
[Jake visits Dr. Kevin Cozner at Columbia University]
Hello again, Professor Kevin Cozner.
What do you want?
I'd like to talk to you about a case I solved.
Thank you, but just as with my home, my office has a strict "no cop talk" policy.
I figured. But the case that I have solved is the case of the "no cop talk policy". There were three things that bothered me about last night: you didn't want the 9-9 at your party, even though you'd never met us, your friends immediately asked Hitchcock and Scully if they were harassed, and there was something interesting about that photo in your library. You and the Captain were shunted off to the side. I don't think you dislike cop talk; I think you dislike cops.
I'm married to one.
I know. And I can't imagine it's been fun to watch the man you love marginalized, underappreciated, and disrespected by the NYPD.
Because he's gay, Raymond has been put through hell by his colleagues. Many of whom, quite frankly, look exactly like you.
Devastatingly handsome? I'm sorry. I'm uncomfortable with emotions.
So, yes. I decided a long time ago that just because I love Raymond, doesn't mean I have to love the people he works with. Good solve, Detective.
Nice cop lingo! Look, I'm really sorry that we ruined your party. I'd love to make it up to you.
You should make me your campaign manager. I was born for politics! I have great hair and I love lying.
[Holt enters the Nine Nine to start work. His wrist is in a splint]
Whoa. What's with the cast?
I sprained my wrist.
[obsequiously] Oh no, what happened?
Don't worry about it, I'm fine.
Yeah, Jeez Amy. Back off. Leave the guy alone [he cranes his neck to check Holt is out of earshot] All right, huddle up, everybody. Bring it in, bring it in. [They all assemble] So he wouldn't say what happened, which can only mean one thing.
He's in a fight club?
No, he did it doing something he's embarrassed by. Like smiling. Only question is... how do you hurt your arm smiling?
Could be a sports injury. I sprained my wrist in college, playing field hockey.
[incredulous] Men's field hockey?
Yeah. It's much more violent than the women's game. We're not allowed to wear anything that protects our breasts.
[exiting his office] Attention, everyone! I can hear you speculating about the nature and origin of my injury from my office. I tripped over an uneven sidewalk. I did not think it was relevant to your jobs, the jobs you should all be doing right now. Get to work. [When everyone has gone back to their desks, he sidles up to Peralta and talks in hushed voice] Do you wanna know how I actually hurt my wrist?
Yes.
I was hula hooping. Kevin and I attend a class for fitness, and for fun.
[in surprise and amazement] Oh my God.
I've mastered all the moves. [holds up his phone to show Peralta a picture] The pizza toss, the tornado, the scorpion, the oopsie doodle.
[struggling to contain his glee] Why are you telling me this?
[slowly and deliberately] Because no-one... will ever believe you.
[He deletes the picture]
No, no! [Holt gives him a cruel smile and makes his way back to his office. Through his teeth] You sick son of a bitch.
[On intercom] Hey, Nate, just talking about how you're alive.
Yeah, I'm alive.
But whose melted torso did we find? [Realizes] Sophia's husband.
Yes! Sophia and Dexter were having an affair, husband found out, Nate killed him. [On intercom] Now I'm telling my friend about how you killed that guy.
It was for love!
Cool motive, still a murder.
[Peralta hooked up to a polygraph machine]
I'm telling you this machine is broken. Ask me a question.
Is Jay-Z really your favorite artist?
Yes, obviously. [Scoffs]
Lie.
See? It's busted!
Is it? Or is your favorite artist really Taylor Swift?
[Scoffs] No.
Lie.
Allright fine. She is. [Quietly] she makes me feels things.
[Pounds table] SHE MAKES ALL OF US FEEL THINGS! Look, the machine is working just fine. Why are being so crazy about this case?
I wanted to work the toughest case we had.
Why?
Because it would feel awesome to solve it. Because a real man doesn't run from a challenge. I mean, do they run from the bulls in Pamplona? [Scoffs]
Yeah, that's the whole point of it.
Seriously? That seems lame.
I don't know why you wanna spend the entire weekend at work, but I'm going home to my family. See you tomorrow, Jake. [Gets up and leaves]
Fine, abandon me! I don't want you here anyway.
That's a lie.
Come on, man.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
