All right, I'll just act like you. Say something so I can get the cadence of your voice down.
Perfect. I will not. I... will not. I will... not.
[Holt looks back, stone-faced. Cut to when Jake and Holt are admitted to see Judge Mindel.]
JMJudge Mindel
Have a seat, Detective.
JMJudge Mindel
Excuse me?
Uh, sorry. I meant out of respect I will choose to stand. Sit, I will not.
JMJudge Mindel
[Gestures to the form in front of her] This looks like it was filled out by a toddler! Now, we are going to have to go through this point-by-point. Justice cannot be rushed.
But could it be gently nudged into hyper speed?
JMJudge Mindel
I take it you're the toddler.
[Jake is undercover as a new member of the Italian mafia, attending a wedding celebration dinner.]
Excuse me, excuse me! I'm Jake Peralta. [The guests applaud.] So thrilled to be here today. As many of you know, I used to be a cop. [The guests boo.] Hey, I was dirty; I took tons of bribes. But as a former detective, I know a thing or two about life sentences. And Angie, Marco, you just got slapped with the best life sentence there is: marriage. Make us proud, have a son. Salut!
[Jake approaches four dons later on in the night.]
Congratulations, Tony. It's a beautiful night. [Holds out his hand]
TTony
[Pushes Jake's hand down] Hey. You're one of us now. [Grabs Jake and kisses him]
You know how long I've been waiting for one of you old men to kiss me?
TTony
[To another don] He's a good kid.
[The other three bosses repeat the ritual of kissing Jake.]
You know, I gotta say, out of the four of you I think Vito's the best kisser. [The four bosses laugh.] Oh, what a wedding, huh? Although the meatballs were a little dry.
[Outside Captain Holt is listening in a mobile headquarters van.]
Dry meatballs. That's the signal! Let's go, go, go!
[On the phone at his desk] Okay, great. Thanks, Doctor. Have a good one.
Hey there, Sarge. Not to pry, but I couldn't help but overhear. You going to the doctor? Everything okay?
[Quietly] I'm getting a vasectomy.
My ears are burning! Did someone say vasectomy? I got snipped; no big deal, just numbs you out from trunk to skunk for a year.
Hold it up! You're gonna let some quack doctor just knife around down there? You are blessed with a great power, and you should never snip its wings. You should let it soar.
Thanks, guys, that's enough. I don't need any more input.
Neither does your wife, I guess.
Look, you guys, if the Sarge wants to chop off his penis that is his choice.
That's not what a vasectomy is. If you guys don't get back to work, I'm gonna start firing detectives!
And blanks! Sorry. I just never think of jokes.
Anybody else? This is your last chance.
Ooh, God, no need to be so testes.
Guess you won't be manning the tip line.
Sergeant, is this gonna go on your spermanent record?
Now playing: Scrotal Recall!
[After Jake has managed to prevent Terry from having his vasectomy, and he and Jake are talking in the kitchenette. Earlier, Terry had berated Jake about how unhealthy his eating habits were]
I just talked to my wife. We're waiting on the operation, everything's cool.
Did you tell her we slept together twice?
Thanks for taking care of me. I got you a present. [hands him a tupperware filled with carrot batons, with a bow on the lid]
Do you know what a present is, Terry?
I care about my friends. [takes the tupperware from Jake, and removes the lid] Now eat your carrots, or I'll rip your tiny head off.
[as Terry grabs him in a headlock] No, no, no!
[He begins to force-feed Jake the carrots]
I hate being friends with you!
CDChief Deputy Madeline Wuntch
I've examined his proposal; there's no proof that giggle-pig is a serious problem.
So we're just supposed to wait until it turns into an epidemic? You're like the League of Nations in '36: just hoping the Abyssinia Crisis resolves itself.
That's the lesson you draw from the fall of Addis Ababa? Raymond, you sound so naïve.
And you sound just like Victor Emmanuel III.
I have no idea who's winning.
Oh, hey there, Captain! Do you happen to know what day today is?
Well, based on the fact that yesterday was the birthday of legendary Dutch flautist Frans Brüggen, and a week ago was October 24th, I'd say today is-
It's Halloween. Just say it's Halloween.
All right, and what happened last Halloween?
Oh, I listened to the CD I bought the night before the Frans Brüggen birthday concert.
Please stop saying Brüggen.
Last year, you bet me you could steal my Medal of Valor. And you did. Consequently, I was forced to do your paperwork for a week, and to say words I thought I'd never have to say.
[In a flashback]
Jake Peralta is an amazing detective/genius.
[Back in the present]
But now it's time for round two of our Halloween bet. This year I believe I'll make things more difficult for myself. Let's say, what, I'll steal the watch right off your wrist.
Or, we could just not do it at all this year.
Sir, with all due respect: C'mon, homie!
It's not worth all the trouble. Just so you might call me an amazing captain/genius, and give me one week of overtime for free.
All right, fine. I'll double the overtime. I'll triple it! I'll quadruple it! I will five-druple it! I'll five-druple the overtime! Got his attention. He's coming back to me.
Just to clarify: if you steal my watch by midnight, I will do your paperwork for a week, but if you fail, you will give me five weeks of overtime for free.
I'm doing a cost-benefit analysis in my head. The benefits outweigh the costs- we have reached an accord.
Well done. But I do have to ask: those guys at the impound- did they really smash my car?
No. In fact, I had them wash it.
Good one, Captain! You can't "wash a car". So how'd you convince the whole squad to betray me? What'd you offer them?
I asked them if they wanted to embarrass you, and they instantly said yes.
I'm not gonna lie, that turns me on a little bit.
Mm-hmm. So in addition to the five weeks of free overtime, I believe I'm owed one more thing.
[Holt snaps his fingers, and a light in the viewing room behind the one-way glass reveals Terry, Boyle, Diaz, Amy, Scully and Hitchcock.]
Very well. Captain Raymond Holt: you are an amazing police captain/genius. But be warned: I started planning next year's heist just this minute!
Good. Then you're only three months behind.
[In a cafe, Lieutenant Miller of NYPD Internal Affairs and Deputy Chief Wuntch put a flash drive from Jake into a laptop and watch as a video comes on.]
Okay, I could get in a lot of trouble for this. But the big secret about Captain Holt is...
[Steps into view] ...That I have a flair for the dramatic. Look behind you, Madeline.
[Visibly shocked, Deputy Chief Wuntch and Lieutenant Miller turn around to look behind them; Holt clears his throat.]
We're actually in front of you. That's my fault. I thought the layout was gonna be different. Didn't know how you guys were gonna be sitting. I took a chance.
Miller may be in Internal Affairs, but he wasn't here on official business. You sent him to spy on us. That's a flagrant ethics violation, Madeline- and it could sink you.
Fine. You're right. But you can't prove that. It's just your word against mine.
Ooh, actually, it's your word against you. Pardon me- [Picks up the flash drive he'd given to Miller] I put a recording device in this dope drive, so, I got your whole conversation.
You're going to leave my precinct and my task force alone. Or else, you're... Wuntch meat.
You sure you wanna go with that one?
Absolutely. It's hilarious.
Wait for it...wait for it...9:01. Amy Santiago is officially late for the first time ever. Alright, let's do this. Who's got theories?
Uh...alarm didn't go off.
All three alarms? All with battery backup? Come on, who wants to take this seriously?
Ooh! She was taken in her sleep.
That's what I'm talking about! Super dark, Boyle, but way more plausible than the Sarge's idiotic alarm clock theory.
I bet she tucked herself into bed too tight and got stuck.
Maybe she fell into another dimension where she's interesting.
It's 9 a.m. Why is no one working?
Amy Santiago is a few minutes late, and we're all trying to guess why.
I like to play. I'd say she's in line at the bank. This is fun.
It is fun, but you're all wrong. She clearly slipped through a subway grate and is having terrible sex with a mole man.
[Amy enters]
There she is. Amy! Where have you been? We've been worried sick! Do you care to explain yourself?!
I'm just seventy seconds late! It's not a big deal. Don't worry about it.
Santiago, you will tell us, and you will tell us now.
...There was a problem at the bank.
Hello, District Attorney Kurm. I got lucky last night.
KKurm
That's great. Gary, the defense attorney, isn't gonna be here.
Oh, is he sore from high-fiving criminals he's gotten out of jail?
Did he get a murderer off who then murdered him to celebrate?
KKurm
Yup. Anyway, Gary broke his leg, so he's being replaced.
"Replaced"? He should be put down! Like a horse! So who's the new sub-human piece of human garbage?
Full disclosure, your Honor. Last night Miss Perez and I got inebriated and we had colitis.
JMJudge Marinovich
Colitis?
JMJudge Marinovich
A cop and a defense attorney sleeping together? That's highly unusual.
At the time I did not know she was a defense attorney. I should have been able to guess, however, based on her ability to lie all over me.
SSophia
Ha ha! Oh, cop's attempt to be clever. It's like watching a horse trying to eat with a fork.
Majestic and hilarious? Take a cold shower, horn-dog, we're at work! But in all seriousness, your honor, I do think she should recuse herself from the trial.
SSophia
Why? You think I might tell everyone in the courtroom that you like to be the little spoon?
[Defensive] Everyone likes to be the little spoon; it makes you feel safe! Carl, back me up on this.
KKurm
Yes. Little spoon all the way.
SSophia
Look, I am not recusing myself. I talked to my client about it and he is fine with me staying on.
JMJudge Marinovich
If the defendant is okay with it, and you two can be mature in the courtroom, then I see no reason why we can't proceed.
SSophia
Says the guy who uses a sunglasses case as a wallet.
Stuff can be two things! Open up your refrigerator, boom! Air conditioner! Life hacked! Carl, back me up.
KKurm
I mean, it's not very green.
