You wanted to see me, Captain?
Yes, the D.A. wanted me to personally thank you for your work on the Jay Street drug bust.
That's why we do this, sir.
There's a community outreach program that is very important to me. I was wondering if you'd like to head it up.
Absolutely, sir! I won't just head it up, I will head and shoulders it up. I will dive in, and swim around it, and just be altogether go-good with it.
Be more articulate when you speak the children.
Yes, sir, I will make better mouth.
Detectives, our monthly crime statistics are due. I want paperwork on all your closed cases by tomorrow. Scully, you can just write "I didn't close any" on a piece of paper.
I already got my paperwork in, Captain.
Then I guess this little reminder isn't for you.
[Quietly] Wow, looks like he hates you even more than me.
No, he doesn't. We have a good relationship. We're on the same page.
Something to share with the rest of us, Santiago?
No, sir. I wasn't- [Turns and points behind her] Peralta was the one that was talking!
God, you must have been the worst fourth grader ever.
Joke's on you; I skipped fourth grade.
I happen to be a very good secondary.
[In a flashback]
So you were just borrowing those cars?
[Jake starts banging on the one-way glass from outside the interrogation room]
Ask about his bank account. Ask about his bank account! Ask him about his bank- [The glass shatters] -account. You should ask him about his bank account. [Leaving] Captain! Santiago broke the glass!
You talking oldest bags? 68.
20? Were you even a cop then?
No, man. That was before I made it into the academy.
[Everyone is confused for a moment, then Diaz smiles as the penny drops]
Charles isn't talking about his oldest arrest.
DJDiaz, Jake, Santiago
Ew!
God, you had sex with a 68-year-old when you were in your 20s?
You know how it is, when you have a chance to bed an older woman, you-
No, that's not an older woman; that's an old woman! That's someone's grandma!
She was, actually; that's how I met her.
Oh! [Everyone grimaces and starts laughing]
Don't- don't knock it 'till you try it! She had a replacement hip with some serious torque. It was like having sex with a Transformer!
That is no one's fantasy!
I swear, these perps are so stupid. I'd make a better criminal than any of 'em.
Yeah, you would! And everyone would call you "The Handsome Bandit".
Thank you, Charles. And the best part is, none of you could catch me.
I'm fairly certain you would be caught. No, scratch that. I'm 100% sure you'd be caught.
Ho-ho-ho! All right, challenge accepted.
I didn't issue a challenge.
Fine, I'll issue it for you. What's the most valuable thing in your office?
God, you are such a hero. All right, how about this; I bet you that by midnight tonight, I can steal the Medal of Valor from your office.
Why would I possibly agree to that?
Because if I lose, I'll work the next five weekends. No overtime. And I won't tell anyone here about the time I saw you wearing short-shorts outside of work. But if I win-
-you have to do all of my paperwork tonight, the busiest and spookiest night of the year. And you have to publicly state that I am an amazing detective/genius.
And this won't interfere with you doing your job?
You mean my job as an amazing detective/genius? No, it will not. I will do all of my work, guaranteed.
I'm considering it. I'm interested. I agree to participate.
All right, there's the robot I fell in love with.
[Sees Jake in a janitor's costume] Nice costume Peralta.
No Peralta here! Just a janitor pushing trash around.
You really thought this was gonna work?
Um it did work. This whole janitor gambit was designed to fail. It's just like in chess. Sometimes, in order to win, you need to sacrifice your king.
That's exactly how you lose in chess. Have you ever played the game?
20 seconds to spare. Game over, Captain. Check me.
I think you mean "Checkmate". You really need to learn how to play chess. How'd you get everyone to help you?
I appealed to their sense of teamwork and camaraderie with a rousing speech that would put Shakespeare to shame.
[In a flashback, Jake is standing on a chair in front of the other detectives, speaking in a terrible Scottish accent.]
For too long we've been put down, ridiculed, made to wear ties! But no more! For today, we defeat him!
[Back in the interrogation room.]
No. Oh, no, not at all. My speech did not inspire them. So I bribed them. I told them that if we pulled this off I would do all of their paperwork. And since you're doing all of my paperwork...
I'm impressed, Peralta. Well done.
[Holt goes to the interrogation room door and opens it.]
In fact, the thing you failed to see, Captain, is that teamwork is the... [Holt walks out of the room past him.]
Captain! Sir? He's not coming back.
Detective Peralta has made a collar in the jewelry store heist.
Way to go, Jakie! [Raises hand for high five]
Ah, that's okay... [Grabs Boyle's hand and lowers it]
No. He didn't get sufficient evidence to make it stick, so we have the next 48 hours to fix his mistake.
[The officers and detectives in the briefing room groan.]
Damn it, Jake. What evidence did you have when you arrested this guy?
Some pretty ironclad stuff.
[In a flashback, Jake approaches Dustin Whitman at a magazine stand.]
Dustin; it's been a while. Mind if I ask you a few questions?
DDustin
Well, well. If it isn't Joke Peralta. [Laughs]
Okay, that's it! You're under arrest!
[Back in the briefing room.]
[Amy shakes her head and glares.]
If we don't find something conclusive, it jeopardizes the case and opens up the Department to a lawsuit. So cancel your plans. We're here until this is over.
[The officers and detectives groan again and throw some balls of paper at Jake.]
Now, I know everyone's mad at Detective Peralta for ruining their weekend.
That was it. I was just demonstrating for Detective Peralta what a fact is.
The D.A. is worried about how you present yourself on the stand.
Why? I'm fine on the stand.
[Cut to a courtroom flashback.]
Look, I'll make it real simple so even these dum-dums can understand: Man did crime!
[In another courtroom flashback.]
Could you make her stop doing that weird thing with her face?
[In a third courtroom flashback.]
And when this is over, I'm gonna find you, and I'm gonna break those little fingers.
JJudge
Ms. Diaz! Please stop threatening the stenographer!
Got Halbrook to cop to every charge. Nice work, Santiago.
Thank you, sir. Peralta figured out the pattern, though, so he should get credit for the collar. Have you seen him?
I sent him home. He assaulted Jimmy Brogan.
Yeah, but that caveman kind of had it coming, don't you think? Oh. He didn't tell you.
Never mind. If Jake didn't tell you, he must have had a reason. It's not my place.
I'm disappointed, Santiago. I thought you and I were close.
I know you're manipulating me... but I love it, and I will tell you anything.
It's good to see you, Sal. I'm so sorry about the fire.
SSal
I can't believe it's gone, Jakey. All of it. The pizza oven. The first dollar bill I ever made. The 7-Up fridge.
Hey, it's gonna be all right. You'll rebuild.
SSal
The Fire Department's been asking a lot of questions.
Oh, Fire Department questions. Let me guess: "What part of my face do I put food in? How do you count to one? What's air?"
SSal
They think I torched my own place. You know I wouldn't do something like that, right?
Yeah, of course. But can you think of anybody who might've done it?
SSal
I can think of ten pizzerias that want me out of the game. That jerk Mario comes to mind. We share a delivery radius.
Mario is number ten overall in Brooklyn, and rising fast. He might've wanted to move up the ladder.
Of one foodie weirdo's personal pizza email blast?
Okay, we'll start with him. Then we'll move on to the rest of your competition, see if anything suspicious turns up.
It'll be the perfect opportunity to update my rankings. Can we stop at home for a pizza bib?
No, Charles, we gotta go fast.
Right, right, I'll just use my work bib.
No, no bib! We're gonna solve this for you, Sal. Sit tight.
So of all the candidates that you interviewed today, who do you think I should hire?
Well, the interviews got a little off-track. But I'd go with Simon Walker. Computer science degree, worked for the Board of Ed for ten years-
That guy? No way. He yelled at me when I asked him the same question about Jay-Z three times in a row.
Because whoever takes this I.T. job is gonna have to deal with Hitchcock asking how to log in to his email every single day forever. How do you think Professor Short Fuse is gonna handle that?
Fine. What about this guy?
No! He was scared of everything! Do you remember Rosa's reaction the last time the printer jammed?
Fine. But what was with the flossing?
A police precinct is a pretty gross place, Ter-Bear. Blood, wounds, Scully's feet. You need a strong stomach, and that lady did not have one. Plus, we have the perfect candidate already: Savant.
Precisely. Captain, turn your greatest weakness into your greatest strength, like Paris Hilton, RE: her sex tape.
Savant tore our walls down, but he can build them back up, taller and thicker than ever.
But how can we be sure he won't turn on us?
His mom ratted him out, so I bet he'd love a steady paycheck to get outta that snitch's house. [Laughs] If I had a mike right now, I'd drop it.
I know you got a secret stash of food hidden somewhere.
I'm gonna shake it outta your pockets. Turn around.
[Terry picks up Scully, turns him upside down, and starts shaking him.]
