Come on, Marty. Let's go look through my dirty clothes for money!
MMarty
I call pants!
YAH!!
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Let's go bathe in the glory.
No one, wants to see you, bathe.
My cat loves watching me bathe.
Courtney, I see you brought your camera. You want a picture with Freddie? [puts her arm round Freddie]
CCourtney
No. But can I get one with Baggels?
Goodbye, Courtney.
[After Marty leaves, Spencer turns to Sam and Freddie.]
Come on. Let's go meet Gibby at the Smoothie.
Okay.
[As Freddie takes his jacket from the sofa and Spencer takes his jacket from a jacket hanger, the elevator stops at the floor of the Shay Apartment.]
[Comes out of the elevator with her suitcase] I'm back.
[Opens the door] Later.
See you.
Bye, Carls.
[Sam, Freddie, and Spencer leave the apartment, leaving Carly standing confused.]
Okay wait, is it straight?
Ummm, I think my side needs to be a little higher.
[looks at Sam] Sam.
[Sam looks at Carly with a worried look on her face]
What are you doing with that balloon?
Taping the string to Freddie's phone.
My.... [rummages around for his phone in a slight panic] Get your hands off my phone!
No prob. [lets go of the balloon]
Oh, no...
Sam...
You get my phone down from there right now!
'Kay.
[Sam pulls out her mini paintball gun]
No no wait, I want you t-
[Sam bursts the balloon and Freddie's phone smashes on the table]
Not sure the warranty covers that.
[Gibby walks in]
Gibbay! Woah, you guys getting ready for a party?
Yep.
Carly's dad's coming home for a few days.
And it's the first time in 3 years that I get to spend his birthday with him.
So, Spencer's not your dad?
[half-annoyed] No.
[Sam whacks Gibby in the butt with a paintball in annoyance]
Oww!
[annoyed] You deserved that.
Great. Now when I sit I'm gonna have to put all my weight on my left buttock.
[Spencer runs out]
Okay! Okay, tell me what you guys think, huh? [makes funny noises while doing a weird jog on the spot, He is wearing a suit]
What?!
You got a job interview?
Ew, no, gross.
He never told our dad that he dropped out of law school so now he wants to pretend he graduated and that he's a lawyer in a big law firm.
[fake laughs] I gotta! You want dad to come home and be disappointed in me?
He's been disappointed in you since you were 9!
Is that when Spencer set that ice-cream truck on fire?
Yes.
[annoyed] It was an accident!
Accident or not, it put Mr. Creamstein out of business!
[Gibby lifts up a lid of a box revealing a cake]
Woah ho ho, what's this?
Don't touch it.
That's her dad's birthday cake.
Yeah, it's an exact replica of an Air Force, F22, fighter jet.
Aha! Which I have specially rigged with automatic, self-lighting candles.
Spencer- [tries to grab the remote off of him]
Don' touch me, your dirty. [everyone looks around all confused] When we show dad the cake he say "Well, why aren't the candles lit?" and then Carly will say "Well what do you mean the candles aren't lit?" and then I'll press this button, and-
[The cake explodes everywhere and all over everybody]
I'll order another cake.
What's wrong?
That was my dad, he, he can't come home now.
What?!
No way?!
Yeah, there's some situation in some country, I dunno, he's gotta help handle it.
Well who's gonna tell Carly?
[Spencer gives the puppy dog eyes look to Sam]
I'm not telling Carly.
Why?!
Because it's going to be like slapping a sweet puppy in the face!
SO you're gonna make me tell her that her father-
[Carly enters making aeroplane noises whilst bringing in her dad's birthday cake]
Junior Curnal Carly Shay with a new jet fighter birthday cake requesting permission to land. [shuts the door] Dad is gonna love this, and right after he blows out the candles, Spencer, you and I are gonna give him huge hugs. And Freddie, I want you to get it all on video okay?
Um.. [turns to Sam and Freddie]
[Sam and Freddie run out the back door]
Weenies!
Why are they weenies?
I dunno, some people are just, born with the weenie gene.
Okay, something's going on here.
Yeah, sit. [he and Carly both sit on the couch] Carly, sometimes, in life-
I know. A man and a woman fall in love and they get special feelings-
No, no. Not that. Dad had a change of plans, and he can't come home right now.
[shocked] He is too coming home, he told me.
Yeah, he was, but, there's a military situation-
But we planned a big birthday party and everything.
I know, I'm sad about it too, but-
[Carly begins to walk upstairs very upset]
Don't be mad at him.
I'm not mad I just... I just miss him.
You wanna talk about it?
No.
[Sam and Freddie walk back in]
Hey!
Did you just call us weenies?
Yes.
Ok.
Later
[Sam and Freddie leave again]
How can you not be mad?
Mr. Howard had every right to be mad at me. I was texting in class.
But he took your phone?
He'll give it back.
FSFreddie and Sam
But-
Okay, okay. Nothing can put me in a bad mood. You guys hooked me up so I could talk to my dad on his birthday. That's it. Your both gettin' hugs.
SFSam and Freddie
Umm, well, no, no-
No, no c'mon. It's happening, your getting hugs. Your getting a hug. I love you guys. [Sam and Freddie thank her during the hug] I love you.
[The trio walk in to find Spencer sitting on the couch joined by agents.]
Heeyy.
Um, who are-
KAgent Kinsey
I'm Agent Kinsey, these are Agents Farrow and Morris.
FAgent Farrow
We're with the United States Secret Service.
Heeyy.
KAgent Kinsey
This is about your recent webcast.
FAgent Farrow
To a secure military base over-seas.
[The three of them look very worried]
Heeyy.
[The agents are investigating the apartment.]
I don't understand this.
KAgent Kinsey
Just relax Ma'am.
How can we relax when 3 secret service agents are tearing our apartment to pieces?!
FAgent Farrow
We're just checking your place out.
Why?!
FAgent Farrow
Let's just say that your recent iCarly webcast caught the attention of someone very high up in the US Government.
Oh great!
[tries to comfort Sam] Stay calm.
I can't stay calm! I promised my mom I wouldn't cause any more trouble with the US Government!
FAgent Farrow
[His machine bleeps] Clear.
KAgent Kinsey
Alright, we're done here for now. Please don't leave town until we contact you again.
Why can't we leave town?
KAgent Kinsey
Just don't leave town.
[The 4 of them stand there looking at the agents very shocked]
Okay. [sounding scared] Thanks for watching iCarly!
[The agents leave the apartment]
[Carly gives Spencer a hug looking really upset, as if she's about to cry.]
[Carly and Freddie meet at the lockers.]
Has Sam shown up?
No. Nobody's seen her all day.
[whispers to Carly and Freddie] Psst! Over here.
[Carly and Freddie head over to Sam]
Where have you been?!
Getting stuff. [starts getting things out of her school bag] Here's a wig for you, [puts a wig on Carly's head] and a wig for you. [puts a wig on Freddie's head] Passport for Carly and a passport for this one. [gives them each a passport]
What's this stuff for?
We're blowing this country. We're heading to the airport and buying one-way tickets to Amsterdam.
Sam.
Well you wanna stay here in this country and go to Federal Prison for hacking into a secure communications network?!
How are we gonna pay for one-way tickets to Amsterdam?!
Pfft. [gets out a bag of jewelery] I got all my mom's engagement rings. Now let's head into a coin shop turn this bling into cash and get the fugde out of dodge.
[men in suits come round the corner]
Uhh, I think it might be too late for that.
M1Man #1
Miss Shay, Mr Benson, Miss Puckett.
[In a deep manly voice] Puckett, uh, are you looking for Sam Puckett? She passed away. Funeral's Thursday bye. [begins to hurry off]
M1Man #1
Miss Puckett.
[Sam stops and turns around]
[throws her backpack onto the floor] Alright. [gets on her knees with her hands behind her head] Put the cuffs on loose would ya? I don't like it when they dig into my wrist.
M2Man #2
Just come with us. [Pulls Sam up]
So.. I'm confused, are we in trouble?
MOMrs. Michelle Obama
No, not at all!
She watched iCarly online last week.
No way!
Seriously?!
For real?!
Uh huh, my daughters are big fans and I am too.
[walks through Carly and Spencer's front door] Wait, is she-
Close it!
[Carly, Sam and Freddie yell at T-Bo to leave]
[T-Bo quickly leaves]
So what are you doing here? Um.. your, excellency. [takes a small bow]
You don't call her your excellency.
OMrs. Obama
No, no, I kinda like it.
[Sam whacks her upper chest at Freddie and he pulls a 'what?!' face back at her]
OMrs. Obama
I came here to say, I'm proud of you.
Why are you proud of us?
OMrs. Obama
[points at Carly] Because of how much you care for your father, [then points at Sam and Freddie] and because of what you two did for your friend.
You mean, setting up the surprise birthday party on iCarly?
OMrs. Obama
Uh huh, my husband and I talk to a lot of people with family in the military.
[puts his hands on Mrs Obama's shoulders] Her husband is the president.
[Mrs. Obama's bodyguards reach into their pockets as if they're about to pull out guns and begin to make their way towards Spencer]
Sorry. [takes his hands off Mrs Obama's shoulders and takes a few steps back]
I'm on iCarly!
[after winning a bag of nuts and bots on iCarly] Now I can finally finish that robot!
[a government agent comes up to her and whispers something in her ear]
I'm not supposed to mention the robot?
GGovernment Agent
No!
[Gibby zips up his suitcase, then gets it up and pulls up the handle.]
Why are you bringing a big suitcase? We're just going to Canada for the day.
Yeah. So I brought some hair care products, uh, some extra batteries, a change of underpants.
[Freddie looks at the suitcase.]
Is that a problem?
[Looks at Gibby] No.
That's what I thought.
[Takes his jacket from a jacket hanger] Come on, guys. We gotta hit the road. [Puts on his jacket]
We don't have to be at the Fat Cake Factory 'til one.
Yeah, but it's a two-hour drive. We gotta go through security at the border.
Why? It's not like Canada's a different country.
[Pause.]
Yes, it is.
I thought it was like Idaho.
Idaho's a state– in our country.
Look, I don't need a lecture.
You sure you're not gonna come?
I want to but I already bailed on Lance twice and he's really cool. And if I bail again, he's gonna think I don't like him, and I really do like him. Besides, I haven't kissed a guy in four months. I'm gettin' itchy.
What time's your date?
Handsome Lance is picking me up at five o'clock. With his car.
So what are you gonna do 'til then?
Probably take a long hot bath, and I'll blow my hair out, maybe I'll do my nails–
Bye.
Later.
See ya.
Gibbeh.
[Sam, Freddie, Spencer, and Gibby leave as Carly looks on.]
Just gotta be calm, sooner or later someone will come in here, help me get my toe unstuck... AND SEE ME NAKED!
MManager
Which of you would like to try a Canadian Fat Cake?
Hey, I wouldn't mind-
[Sam kicks Gibby in the stomach and pushes him onto the floor]
May I?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.