Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[at the hospital after George fell down the stairs]
So how's George?
I don't know. They don't tell me anything. What's that?
[holding his broken Tony award, mournfully] Tony.
What happened to you?
Raquel Welch. [Welch had attacked Kramer after he attempted to fire her from the set of 'Scarsdale Surprise']
[Elaine turns up, also bruised and with scars on her face]
What happened to you?
Raquel Welch.
What is Holland?
What do you mean, "What is it?" It's a country right next to Belgium.
No, that's the Netherlands.
Holland is the Netherlands.
Then who are the Dutch?
[Elaine and Puddy are in Europe for a month.]
A month in Europe with Elaine? That guy's coming home in a body bag.
[Jerry, George and Darren are sitting at a table in Monk's. Jerry and George are having a conversation as Darren writes down notes]
[To Jerry] Well, Play Now's through playing. They turned the heat way up in my office. Trying to sweat me out.
[To Darren] Do you have to write all this stuff down?
Well, Mr. Kramer's in a meeting with Mr. Lomez but he didn't want to miss anything.
[Jerry makes a slightly annoyed face]
[To George] So how hot did it get?
I don't know, hundred and twenty, hundred and thirty. Then they sent some guys in to sandblast for six hours, tomorrow they're putting in asbestos.
I guess you can take anything but actual work.
Bring it on.
[Kramer enters and sits next to George]
[using "the voice" that Jerry has created as a joke] Helllooo Kramer! Wellcomme! La, la, la.
Sorry, I couldn't get out of there. [To Darren] What did I miss?
Well, after ordering Mr. Seinfeld and Mr. Costanza debated on whether or not Iron Man wore some sort of undergarment between his skin and his iron suit.
And I still say he's naked under there!
[sarcastically] Oh that makes a lot of sense!
Aw, shut up!
Then Mr. Seinfeld went to the restroom at which point Mr. Costanza scooped ice out of Mr. Seinfeld's drink with his bare hand and used it to wash up. Mr. Costanza then remarked to me, "this never happened".
[Jerry spits out his drink back into the glass]
I've been reviewing Darren's internship journal. Doing laundry, mending chicken wire, high tea with a Mr. Newman?
Well, it all sounds pretty glamorous, but it's business as usual at Kramerica.
Far as I can tell, your entire enterprise is little more than a solitary man with a messy apartment which may or may not contain a chicken.
And with Darren's help, we'll get that chicken!
Serenity now! Serenity now!
What is that?
Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say "Serenity now!"
Are you supposed to yell it?
The man on the tape wasn't specific.
Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. No, no, no, I do not want to stop over in Cincinnati. Well, then you upgrade me. That's right, you should thank me. Goodbye. [Hangs up] Hey, I'm flyin' first class.
Where did that come from?
Patty showed me how to get mad. You gotta problem with that?
[intimidated] No.
Good.
Anyway, you're lucky I was there. You lost a lot of blood.
(nervous) ...What?
Yeah. You got three pints of Kramer in ya, buddy!
(Jerry screams. Trying to calm him down, Kramer starts screaming too)
Well, the doctors say I got some more blood, so it looks like I owe you again.
(confused) You didn't get the blood from me...
Then who...?
(Newman walks in, with gauze on his arm)
(grinning) Hello, Jerry.
(Jerry screams. Kramer joins him. Newman looks confused, then starts screaming with them.)
[indicating Kramer's dummy] Why is the mailman wearing a bucket?
Because we are blind to their tyranny.
Then shouldn't you be wearing the bucket?
Yeah uh move along Betty.
So, you wanna grab a bite?
I can't. I gotta make the weekly call to the folks.
So call now.
I gotta prep. I need a couple of anecdotes; a few "you were rights". It's a whole procedure.
Hey, Jerry! Come in here a sec! Hey!
Oh, my God!
It's the Merv Griffin set!
How did you get this in here?
Oh, you just bring it in sideways and hook it.
So where are you gonna sleep?
Yeah... backstage.
I just think if you borrow my blender you should return it.
Well what’s the difference -- Come on, we're like Cain and Able.
Yeah, you know Cain slew Abel.
No he didn’t. They were in business together… it was dry wall, or somethin’.
Oh, no.
All right then, what was it?
Well I think Abel worked hard all summer harvesting his crops, while Cain just played in the field. Then when Winter came, Able had all the nuts; Cain had no nuts, so he killed him.
The way I remember it, Cain, he was a successful doctor, but when he took this special formula, he became Mr. Abel.
Saving lives? She's one step above working at the Clinique counter.
Dermatologists. Skin doesn't need a doctor.
Of course not. Wash it, dry it, move on.
You simply must apologize.
Must I?
Yes! Because it is the mature, adult thing to do.
How does that affect me?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
