TMTracy Morgan
Live from New York, it's Jennifer Lopez's booty!
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
TFTina Fey
According to a report released Tuesday, female inmates in the United States have been victims of sexual misconduct by corrections employees in every state, except Minnesota. So ladies, if you wanna rob a bank, but you don’t want your cooter poked, head to beautiful Minnesota, land of 10,000 lakes.
CDCentaur Doctor
Are we going to ask any questions about my medical background?
IDInterviewing Doctor
The rest of the interview will be centaur questions.
IDInterviewing Doctor
Is there centaur pornography?
CDCentaur Doctor
Yes, there is centaur porn.
IDInterviewing Doctor
If I were to watch centaur porn, but with a piece of cardboard covering the horse parts, would I find the female actresses attractive?
CDCentaur Doctor
Maybe, but you gotta remember: sooner or later, there's gonna be a horse penis in there.
Can we be funny?
MRMayor Rudy Giuliani
Why start now?
(in a message to Osama bin Ladin) If you really wanted to win against me at something, you should have challenged me to a game of Scrabble. Or perhaps a beard-off, for you see, I don't have a beard. And when I do, it comes in all patchy.
Don't mess with Texas.
TFTina Fey
The cover story of New York Magazine this week is "Baby Panic". This goes perfectly with the other magazines on my coffee table - "Where Are The Babies?", "Why Haven't You Had A Baby?", and "For God's Sake, Have A Baby!" Thanks, Time Magazine, just what I need - another article so depressing, I can actually hear my ovaries curling up.
According to author Sylvia Hewlett, career women shouldn't wait to have babies because our fertility takes a steep drop-off after age 27. And Sylvia's right - I definitely should have had a baby when I was 27, living in Chicago over a biker bar, pulling down a cool $12,000 a year. That would have worked out great. But Sylvia's message is basically that feminism can't change nature - which is true, alright. If feminism could change nature, Ruth Bader Ginsberg would be all oiled up on the cover of Mac - but she's not.
Ladies, there's no reason to panic, though. It's out of your control, anyway. Either your cooter works, or it doesn't. My mom had me when she was 40, and this was back in the 70s, when the only fertility aid was Harley's Bristol Creme. So, waiting is just a risk that I'm going to have to take. And I don't think I could do fertility drugs, because, to me, six half-pound translucent babies is not a miracle. It's gross. I'd rather adopt a baby, I don't need a kid that looks like me. I was an ugly kid. I looked like a cross between that chick from the Indigo Girls and.. the other chick from the Indigo Girls. Not a cute kid, alright.
Dratch, Poehler, Maya? how do you feel about author Sylvia Hewlett?
RMRachel, Maya, Amy
We hated Sylvia Hewlett!
RDRachel Dratch
Yeah. Sylvia, um, thanks for reminding me that I have to hurry up and have a baby. Uh, me and my four cats will get right on that.
APAmy Poehler
My neighbor has this adorable, cute little Chinese baby that speaks Italian. So, you know, I’ll just buy one of those.
MRMaya Rudolph
Yeah, Sylvia, maybe your next book should tell men our age to stop playing Grand Theft Auto III, and holding out for the chick from Alias.
RARachel and Amy
Yeah.
TFTina Fey
You're not gonna get the chick from Alias!
MRMaya Rudolph
Yeah, why don't you just shut up and put a baby in here! [pointing around her crotch]
APAmy Poehler
You guys want to go and, uh, stare at Ana some more?
MRMaya Rudolph
Yeah!
RDRachel Dratch
Okay!
Oprah (Maya Rudolph): (to Darfur refugee) Let's talk about this, Olessi. Why do you think things are going badly?
Olessi Oneweeja (Kenan Thompson): Well, as you may or may not know, this region is four years into a brutal conflict which has claimed over 200,000 lives, the UN has refused to classify the conflict as a genocide, and while there is a current ceasefire, I don't think anyone thinks it's permanent.
Oprah and Rhonda Byrne (Amy Poehler): Very negative thinking, very negative.
OOprah
Secret!
RRhonda
Olessi, I know this is hard for you to hear, but your outlook is what's hurting you.
OOlessi
No, I think it's the Janjaweed.
RRhonda
No, it's you!
OOprah
Olessi, did you get the copy of The Secret we sent?
OOlessi
Yes.
OOprah
And? Did you read it?
OOlessi
No.
RRhonda
Why not?
OOlessi
Because I ate it.
OOprah
Well, digest every word.
DFDakota Fanning
When I hear the word 'hotel', it invokes images of Hotel Rwanda about the Rwandan Genocide.
DSDylan Sprouse
Dakota, you're scaring us!
Sarah Palin (Tina Fey): You know, Hillary and I don't agree on everythi...
Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler): [cutting in] On anything! I believe that diplomacy should be the cornerstone of any foreign policy.
SPSarah Palin
And I can see Russia from my house!
HCHillary Clinton
I believe that global warming is caused by man.
SPSarah Palin
And I believe it's just God hugging us closer!
HCHillary Clinton
I don't agree with the Bush Doctrine.
SPSarah Palin
[laughs] I don't know what that is!
HCHillary Clinton
But, Sarah, one thing we can agree on is that sexism can never be allowed to permeate a American election.
SPSarah Palin
So, please, stop Photoshopping my head on sexy bikini pictures!
HCHillary Clinton
And stop saying I have cankles!
SPSarah Palin
Don't refer to me as a MILF!
HCHillary Clinton
Don't refer to me as a FLIRJ! I Googled what it stands for, and I do not like it!
MMadonna
What the hell is a discostick?
GLady Gaga
(singing) I think you know.
DDDJ Dynasty Handbag
I want you two to behave.
GLady Gaga
Ok we'll try.
GLady Gaga
Hey guess what Madonna...I'm totally hotter than you.
MMadonna
Hey guess what (hits Lady Gaga's head) I'm totally taller than you. And what kinda of a name is Lady Gaga? It sounds like baby food.
GLady Gaga
The kind that's #1 on the Billboard charts. (attacks Madonna)
DDDJ Dynasty Handbag
I said behave beotches.
MMadonna
You better stop interrupting us
GLady Gaga
Yeah we're pop icons Respect (gives Madonna a high 5)
(Lady Gaga and Madonna start to fight again)
DDDJ Dynasty Handbag
I want you two to kiss and make up
MMadonna
Ok
GLady Gaga
Excellent
MMadonna
You made my ring come off
GLady Gaga
Sorry
DDDJ Dynasty Handbag
Kiss each other
(about to kiss then DJ Dynasty Handbag gets in between them.)
GLady Gaga
Born in New York, in Lenox Hill of ‘86
Cheered for the Yankees with my dad in Section 6
And after traveling, just dancing round the world
I still prefer a beer and whiskey with my friends on Rivington street
...
I miss every little thing about the city
Subway trains, the girls are pretty
Love the hot dogs on 72nd street
They’re tasty and they’re cheap
Was just a waitress on Cornelia
Now I’m living my dreams, baby!
Singing about my Poker Face
New York, It’s Saturday night!
This week you didn't need Cinemax to see someone get screwed on TV. So how did NBC let it come to this? Well, I think I can explain it. Let's say you're married and it's the #1 marriage in the country, but then you meet someone else who sweeps you off your feet, so you say to her, "I want to marry you, in five years," and she says, "Yes, I will wait five years to marry you." So then you go home and you tell your current wife, "Honey, in five years we're getting a divorce." Now you might think your current wife would be super cool with that and thank you for being honest, but it turns out she's actually super mad and as the five years pass she gets in really good shape. So when the time comes for the divorce, she's looking better than ever. She looks so good that you see other people looking at her and you get jealous, so you come up with an awesome plan: you'll still marry the second person, but you'll also stay married to the first. So you tell the new wife, "Good news! We're totally married, but every night when I get home I'm gonna spend a half hour with my first wife first, but then I'm all yours." And before you even see how she feels about it, you hold a big press conference and tell people you've changed the future of marriage. Now if you think the new wife is cool with this plan, she's not. She's super mad. And the first wife is also acting weird because, you know, you have two wives. But then, just when you think you're stuck, you come up with a perfect plan to solve all your problems: You kill your second wife.
ZZach
I really don't know what I'm doing here! I don't know what I'm talking aboot. Excuse me -- I've been in canada, opening up for Miles Davis...Kilometers Davis.
I like dark comedies. That's why I like the Wayans Brothers.
My girlfriend looks a little bit like Charlize Theron, and a lot like Dog the Bounty Hunter. She's writing a book about contemporary feminist theory. She let me read the manuscript and I got to say: It's pretty good for a girl.
I went to my school reunion not too long ago, and it was very weird...because I was home schooled. Just me there by a bowl of punch, listening to Kool and the Gang. Why I rented that limousine, I have no idea.
This woman said to me the other day, "Zach, I like your beard," and I said, "Look, I'm Greek. This isn't a beard. This is part of my eyebrow."
[To the band] Are you guys just gonna sit there? I thought we were gonna rehearse something. [The band joins him] There we go.
Sometimes I'll do something and I say to myself, "That is so Raven." And then, other times I'll do something and I'll be like, "That was not very Raven."
If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.
I've been trying to quit drinking. The other day I drank a 12-pack of O'Doul's, and I went riding around in my car and I got pulled over by a cop. He's like, "Son, have you been drinking?" And I'm like, "Uh, sort of." he said, "What have you been drinking?" and I said "O'Doul's, nonalcoholic beer." And he wrote me a ticket for being a gaylord.
I was reading on CNN.com today, before the show. You know that kid who had sex with his high school teacher about a year ago? I read online today that that kid died, today. He died of high-fiving. He was in a high-fiving accident.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.