SPSarah Palin
Are You Smarter than a Half-Term Governor?
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Where can tourists go if they're looking for a great time in New York City?
SStefon
If you're looking for a good time, look no further. New York's hottest club is Crease. Club promoter Trannie Oakley has gone all out, and inside it's just everything—lights, psychos, Furbys, screaming babies in Mozart wigs, sunburned drifters with soap-sud beards...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, what?
SStefon
You know, it's that thing where a hobo becomes a rich man, so they take the big bubble bath.
I...think I know what you mean. But now Stefon, if people, like if a family of normal people were looking to see some of the classic New York sights, you know, like Central Park or places like that, Statue of Liberty, would you have any recommendations?
SStefon
Yes. New York's hottest club is Wesh. Nine-year-old pimp Ichi Yakaguru is back with an all-new hot-spot that answers the question: "What?" This place has everything—trants, stilts, throw-up music, an albino that looks like Susan Powter, Teddy Graham people...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, could I stop you for a second? What are Teddy Graham people?
SStefon
It's that think of like, when a guy has the stumpy arms but with the belly.
Yeah, that's definitely not a thing. You're doing great, Stefon, but again, if we were talking about just regular, run-of-the-mill people, maybe from the Midwest, who were just looking to do something with their kids or their grandparents, if they were coming here, could you recommend someplace that would be fun for them?
SStefon
New York's hottest club is Twice. Don't be thrown off when you're greeted at the door by a rabbi that looks like Joaquin Phoenix. you're at the right place. Club owner Robert Blake has thought of everything—goths, carnival barkers, groups of guys with Afros in graduation caps, human fire hydrants...
What is a human fire hydrant?
SStefon
You know, it's that thing of when high-waisted midgets have, like...[trying not to laugh] I know, I'm doing great. It's that thing when high-waisted midgets have, like, the red pants and the big ass.
Oh right, that thing. Look, Stefon, we asked you to come here and tell us about the fun touristy things, we were pretty clear on the phone. Places people, regular people could go on a spring weekend.
SStefon
Right, mm-hmm.
But I have to say the things you described sound like visions a dying gay man might have if he was under too many blankets.
SStefon
Fair, fair.
But you know what, Stefon? Your heart was in the right place, and I really enjoyed having you here.
SStefon
Oh, yay!
So, Stefon, right off the bat, it's great to see you. What did you do this summer?
SStefon
All of it.
So, Stefon, if someone is coming—relax, buddy, you're gonna do great. If someone is coming to the city this fall and wants to have the full New York experience—you know, do some fun stuff—where should they go?
SStefon
If you're looking for an experience, look no further. New York's hottest club is Trash. As you step through the stainless steel doors of this meat-packing hot spot, you'll be greeted by none other than Pierre the Muslim Elvis impersonator. This club has everything—clones, freaks, sneezing, a Russian man on a prepaid cell phone, and anyone can get in. There's no password. At the door, just do the Cosby face.
The Cosby face?
SStefon
Yeah, uh...[Flashes his fingers in front of his face and pokes through wide-eyed]
Well, that is nice of them to make it so easy for folks to get in. But Stefon, what about someone who...let's say they're coming to New York for the first time, and they wanna have one of those classic New York nights.
SStefon
Yes, yes, I'm with you.
So where should they go?
SStefon
Seth, New York's hottest club is Gush. Club owner Gay Dunaway has built a fantasy word...world that answers the question: "Now?". This place has everything—geeks, sherpas, a Jamaican nurse wearing a shower cap, room after room of broken mirrors, and look over there in the corner. Is that Mick Jagger? No, it's a fat kid on a Slip 'n Slide. His knees look like biscuits...[Briefly breaks into laughter and covers his face] ...and he's ready to party.
It was not Mick Jagger?
SStefon
[fighting through laughter] No, it wasn't Mick Jagger, it was a fat kid with biscuit knees.
Just wanted to double-check. Stefon, now the reason I wrote you and asked you to come back here...
SStefon
A letter.
I wrote you a letter 'cause that's the only way you'll communicate. I wrote you the letter and I asked you to come back here because New York is really making a push...tourism push for normal American families.
SStefon
Yes, they are.
They are, yes. Yes, so if you could just take a minute, and you don't have to do it now, but if you could take a minute and think of just some fun wholesome places, not for people like you, but for visitors—American visitors from normal middle America, we would really appreciate it. So just don't talk until you're sure you have it.
SStefon
I got it already. New York's hottest club is Push! This club has everything—ghosts, banjos, Carl Paladino, a stuck-up kitten who won't sign autographs, Furkels...
Do I wanna know?
SStefon
Yes, you do.
Furkels are...
SStefon
Fat Urkels.
Sure they are.
SStefon
And after you've been with one of those guys, you'll ask yourself, "Did I do that?"
Stefon, if I were you, I'd be asking myself that all the time. Stefon, not to belabor the point, but we were looking for fun activities a mom, a dad, a grandma, a grandpa, and some kids could enjoy. You instead took us on a tour of a coked-up gay Candyland.
SStefon
That's accurate, that's accurate.
But I think we'll have you back.
SStefon
Hooray!
MMiley
There's a photo of me being kissed by a dude
And Annie Leibovitz tried to get me nude
For those of you who think that's very crude
I’m sorry that I'm not perfect!
I never stole a necklace or got a DUI.
Never cheated on my wife like that golfer guy
So what, you could see a little boob from the side?
I'm sorry that I'm not perfect!
And sure, I danced on a pole, and people called it sinning
But at least I didn't date a porn star and tell everyone I'm "winning."
KWKristen Wiig
Didn't make a dirty tape and pass it along.
BMBobby Moynihan
Didn't text a photo of your dong.
MMiley
Don't both of these things seem worse than a bong?
I'm sorry
KWKristen Wiig and Bobby Moynihan
She's sorry
MMiley
So sorry
KWKristen Wiig and Bobby Moynihan
So sorry
MMiley
Really sorry that I'm not...
MCMiley Cyrus, Kristen Wiig and Bobby Moynihan
Perfect!
Donald Trump, who claims to be testing the waters for a presidential bid, sparked controversy this week by demanding to see Barack Obama's birth certificate. Look, if Donald Trump wants to talk about Barack Obama's birth certificate, what do I care? Though if he loves America so much, why does he keep outsourcing the job of his wife? What bothers me is that he's getting so much attention for this fake presidential run. I know Trump thinks any publicity is good publicity, the same way he apparently thinks any hair is good hair. But why are the rest of us talking about this like he really might be President? If saying you were going to do something counted, my dad would be on the cover of Finished Basement Magazine.
I think the problem is that with this GOP field, Trump actually seems like a viable candidate, and conversely, all the candidates remind me of contestants on Celebrity Apprentice. Look, Newt Gingrich, you're a trusted conservative, you're a religious man, you brought divorce papers to your wife when she was in the hospital for cancer. [Singing] Two out of three ain't bad, that makes you Meat Loaf, and you're fired.
Mitt Romney, you basically created Obamacare in Massachusetts, and now you're running against it, so you're attacking the exact same thing you used to get ahead. You're Jose Canseco, and you're fired.
Rick Santorum, this week you said that the reason Social Security is insolvent is that America has aborted 1/3 of its children. Everything out of your mouth makes me say, "WHAT?!" You're Lil Jon, and you're fired.
Herman Cain, I don't know a single thing about you. You're John Rich, and you're fired.
Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann, sexy from a distance, crazy up close. Lisa Rinna and NeNe Leakes, you're fired, you're fired.
And finally, Donald Trump, you're bossy, you're entitled, you probably still listen to Burt Bacharach. You're Dionne Warwick, and you're fired.
MMatthew
It has been 14 years since I did this show, and I gotta tell you, I did not remember how much work it is. Seriously, we've been doing 16-hour days the last six days just getting ready. Not that we are actually ready, 'cause I promise you, we are not. But you know what? I'm pretty sure everything tonight is gonna go okay, okay, okay.
That's not what you thought I was gonna say, was it? All right, well, let me tell you the origin story of the phrase you thought I was going to say. This is titled The Right Bar at the Right Time. It's 1992, I'm in Austin, Texas, in college, not even thinking about being an actor at this point. I go to this bar where I get introduced to this producer. This producer and I started talking, and four hours later, we get kicked out of so said bar. On the taxi ride home, he says, "hey, McConaughey, you ever done any acting?" I said, "well, no, not really." He says, "well, I'm doing this movie, and you might be right for this part."
Well, sure enough, I wake up the next morning, I go pick up the script, it's called Dazed and Confused. My character, David Wooderson, he has three lines in the entire film. Alright, but one of those lines is what I like to call a launchpad line. Know what I mean by that? A launchpad line is a line that, if the character really believes it, then I could feel like I could write a whole book on this character, alright? The scene goes like this. Wooderson's hanging out at a pool hall with some buddies, and some girls walk by, he smacks one of 'em on the ass, and his buddy says, "man, you're gonna go to jail for that, Woodman." And Wooderson says, "Naw. That's what I like about these high school girls; I get older, they stay the same age."
So I get called into this wardrobe-makeup test on the set, right? I'm not supposed to work, but I get called in for it. The director comes up to me, Richard Linklater. He says, "oh my God, you look great, man. This is Wooderson, this is exactly who I hoped you'd be." He says, "listen, you know, we're doing this drive-thru scene tonight, and I know you're not supposed to work, but you think Wooderson might be picking up on the red-headed intellectual? You know, he's already been with the cheerleaders and the typically hot girls; what about the red-headed intellectual?" I said, "sure, he would, man. Wooderson loves all kinds of women." He goes, "hey, you wanna shoot it?"
Next thing I know, I'm in a car getting ready to shoot my very first scene in my film acting career, unscripted. Am I nervous? You're damn right, I'm nervous. So I started thinking, I said, who is Wooderson? Who's my man, what's he about? And I tell myself, "Wooderson's about four things: he's about cars, weed, rock and roll, and chicks."
I look around where I am. I say, "well, I'm in my '70 Chevelle, that's one; I got Slater riding shotgun, so I'm definitely getting high, that's two; and we got Ted Nugent playing 'Stranglehold' on the 8-track, well, that's three." At this point, I hear over the intercom, "action!" And I look up across the drive-thru at this red-headed intellectual, and I say to myself, "buddy, you got three out of four. Alright, alright, alright!"
THTom Hanks
A magazine cover recently called me "America's Dad," [takes off jacket and puts on sweater] and I would've preferred "Sexiest Man Alive," but I will take it. Anyhow, America is feeling nervous these days, and I'm a responsible father, so I thought maybe it's time we had a little chat.
[Walks to the left side and takes a seat]
Hey, buddy. There's my big, growing nation. How you doing, champ? So, rough year, huh? Yeah, I hear ya. You got a lot goin' on inside ya. Feeling anxious and conflicted and scared about what's gonna happen next. Well, you are gonna be fine. Remember when you went through that Depression? This is nothing. You're just growing up, and you're in an awkward phase. For example, you may have noticed that your...your complexion is changing? You're getting a little darker, and you're freaking out about it? Well, that's natural for a nation of immigrants like yourself. Also, you're a lot gayer than you used to be. That is cool. That is trill. It's fleek, whatever that means.
So, how you doin'? You okay with money? Really? 'Cause I heard you're in some debt. I'd like to help you out, but if I do, you're never gonna learn. Also, I don't have $19 trillion, I have $230 million.
Something else I wanna talk to you about. You got a lot of guns, kiddo. You need all those guns? Alright, alright, I don't wanna have that fight again. Let's just drop it, you know. Drop it.
Hey, one thing you should know. We can smell it, the weed. It's like you're not even trying to hide it anymore. But don't worry, I won't tell your mom, because I don't need to because she can smell it, too.
Look, all I came in here to say is, you are great. I know some people are saying China's better than you. Sure, you know, China might be popular right now, but people don't understand how hard it is to be you. I mean, you got a summer birthday, that's always tough. Also, you know, you are so dang creative. Think of everything you have done. You went to the moon, you invented the Internet, you created a cannon that shoots T-shirts.
Alright, alright, look, I'm gonna get outta your hair. You got a big decision in the next couple weeks, but I know you're gonna make the right choice, as long as you think from [points to head] here and [points to heart] here, and not so much down there. And no matter what happens, I'm proud of you. Now, enough of the sulking. I want you to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go show the world what else you can stuff inside a pizza crust. [Holds fist out] Pound it, pound it. [Takes a fist bump] Ah, that's my man. [Walks back to center] That kid is gonna be fine because that kid is a Hanks!
CWChris Wallace
Good evening, I'm Chris Wallace, and welcome to the third and final Presidential debate. Tonight is going to be a lot like the third Lord of the Rings movie. You don't really want to watch, but, hey, you've come this far.
Beck Bennett (runs out on a game show podium): Hi, and welcome to my new game show where we get to the bottom of something that's been throwing me for a loop all week. Let's meet our contestants.
VBVanessa Bayer
Hi, I'm Vanessa Bayer, and I'm here because you asked me to be.
BBBeck Bennett
Great. Contestant number two?
ABAidy Bryant
Hi, I'm Aidy Bryant, and, Beck, what is this exactly?
BBBeck Bennett
You'll see. Contestant number three?
BCBenedict Cumberbatch
Um, hello, I'm Benedict Cumberbatch, and I don't remember this sketch at dress rehearsal.
BBBeck Bennett
Fantastic. And now, it's time to play...
Audience (as splash screen for game show appears): Why Is Benedict Cumberbatch Hot?
Benedict Cumberbatch (realizing what he just got himself into): Oh...Beck.
BBBeck Bennett
Yeah, that's right. Every girl in the cast has been so horny for this dude all week, so, as a guy, I'm just trying to figure that out.
KMKate McKinnon
I'm not giving up, and neither should you.
S1Supporter #1
Why isn't everyone turning out for Hillary Clinton the way they did for Barack Obama?
CRChris Rock
Maybe because you're replacing a charismatic black man with a 70-year-old white woman. That's like the Knicks replacing Patrick Ewing with Neil Patrick Harris.
[Outro to "Nonsense"]
SCSabrina Carpenter
He is 30 rock hard 'cause I said hi
My sense of humor is, but I am not dry
SNL, I just came for the first time.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.