Let's move on to "Current U.S. Presidents", for $400. And the answer is: "He is the current U.S. President. [No one responds, so more clue is revealed] He has white hair, and you've probably seen him in the news. His first name is 'Bill' [No response] Mr. Goldblum, I know for a fact you had dinner with him recently. His last name is Clinton! His name is Bill Clinton, please someone simply say, 'Who is Bill Clinton?'" Someone just say it! Anyone. [Timer sounds] And the show has reached a new low.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Let's see what you put: "2". The number 2!
Jeff Goldblum (David Duchovny): Aha! Aha! The letter 2, my friend!
No, 2 is a number.
JGJeff Goldblum
I can't read or write.
Sean Connery (Darrell Hammond): The day is mine! I'll take 'Famous Titties' for 400.
'Titles'. 'Famous Titles'.
Damn!
And the answer is: 'This movie title is taken from the name of the book Gone with the Wind.' Mr. Connery.
Dolly Parton.
'Titles', Mr. Connery. Not 'Titties'.
Not a fan of the ladies, are you, Trebek?
BCBill Clinton
Live, from New York, it's Gloatin' Time!
I've got to ask you about 'The Penis Mightier'.
The what? No. No, no, that's 'The Pen Is Mightier'.
Gussy it up however you want, Trebek, what matters is: does it work? Will it really mighty my penis, man?!
It's not a product, Mr. Connery.
Because I've ordered devices like that before - wasted a pretty penny, I don't mind telling you. And if 'The Penis Mightier' works, I'll order a dozen.
It's not a penis mightier, Mr. Connery. There's no such thing.
Nicolas Cage (Jimmy Fallon): Wait, wait, are you selling penis mightiers?
No! No I'm not!
Well, you're sitting on a gold mine, Trebek!
Let's see what all of you wrote. We'll start with you, Mr. Cage. You wrote... and your podium's gone.
NCNicolas Cage
I don't know where it went. I'm confused.
You lost your podium? I don't see... You know what? I don't care. Let's move on. Calista Flockhart.
Calista Flockhart (Drew Barrymore): [louder than before] What? What?
Settle down, just relax. You wrote...nothing. And your wager? Nothing!
CFCalista Flockhart
The pen was too heavy.
Fair enough. Mr. Connery?
We meet again.
Let's see your answer. I guess that's your wager: a buck. Fine. And your answer is..."Futter". Buck Futter. I don't get it.
Oh...I think you do, Trebek. I think you do, indeed.
Well, thanks for joining us.
Buck Futter!
You know, when the people here asked me to do the show, I’ve got to say, I felt kind of weird. I don’t know if you remember this, but I used to actually be on this show. I used to do the "Weekend Update" news routine, you remember that? That’s where I did the make-believe news jokes, you know? That was me, right? So then, a year and a half ago, right, I had sort of a disagreement with the management at NBC. I wanted to keep my job. Right? And they felt the exact opposite. So you see, they fired me because they said that I wasn’t funny. Now, with most jobs, I could have had a hell of a lawsuit on my hands for that, but see, this is a comedy show. So, they got me. But, now, this is the weird part, it’s only a year and a half later, and now, they ask me to host the show. So I wondered, I go, "hey, wait a sec. Heeeyyyyy! How did I go in a year and a half from being not funny enough to be even allowed in the building, to being so funny that I’m now hosting the show? How did I suddenly get so goddamn funny?!"
It was inexplicable to me, because a year and a half, let’s face it, is not enough time for a dude to learn how to be funny. Then it occurred to me: I haven’t gotten funnier, the show has gotten really bad! So, yeah, I’m funny compared to, you know, what you’ll see later. Okay, so let’s recap. The bad news is: I’m still not funny. The good news is: the show blows!
Alright, folks, we've got a bad show for you tonight!
Burt Reynolds (Norm Macdonald): Hey, uh, I speak a little French. You're an ass bite. Pardon my French.
French Stewart (Jimmy Fallon): My name's French!
BRBurt Reynolds
Yeah, who gives a damn?
BRBurt Reynolds
Hey. Hey, uh, check out the podium. Look at this.
Mr. Reynolds has apparently changed his name to 'Turd Ferguson'.
BRBurt Reynolds
Yeah, that's right. Turd Ferguson's a funny name.
I gotta have more cowbell!
Gentlemen, I put my pants on like you: one leg at a time. Except, once my pants are on I make gold records.
Guess what? I got a fever! And the only prescription is more cowbell!
Keanu Reeves (Tobey Maguire): I know kung fu!
For the last time, no you don't.
Let's just go with Foreign Flicks for $800.
[buzzing in] Ursula Andress.
What?
Ursula Andress, Catherine Deneuve, and Charo, twice.
That's Foreign Flicks, Mr. Connery.
Jim Lehrer (Chris Parnell): Well, that brings us to the close of tonight's debate. Each candidate will now give a brief closing statement.
Al Gore (Darrell Hammond): Jim, may I make two closing statements?
JLJim Lehrer
I'm afraid not. In fact, we are almost out of time, so I will instead ask each candidate to sum up, in a single word, the best argument for his candidacy. Governor Bush?
George W. Bush (Will Ferrell): Strategery.
JLJim Lehrer
Vice-President Gore.
AGAl Gore
Lock-box.
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