“Unfinished Business” quotes from Criminal Minds

[on George Burns's 100th birthday] I don't know the secret to his longevity, but I think I speak for all of us when I say I hope Pauly Shore doesn't know it either.

Our top story tonight: In an emotional press conference this week, Bob Dole announced that he was resigning from the U.S. Senate, where he has served for nearly three decades. Dole said he regretted leaving the Senate, but needed to focus all his energies on a goal many had once thought impossible: getting Bill Clinton re-elected.

Tomorrow night on 60 Minutes, Dr. Jack Kevorkian will sit for his first-ever in-depth interview. According to producers, Kevorkian agreed to the interview only on condition that it be conducted by veteran correspondent Andy Rooney. Wait! Don't do it, Andy, it's a trap! It's a trap!

While jogging on San Diego this weekend President Clinton was berated by tourist Valerie Parker who shouted at him, quote: "You're a draft-dodging, yellow-bellied liar; you're a disgrace to the office of the Presidency, to your gender, and to this nation," and then added: "I'm still gonna vote for you."

So what’s going on in the news today? Same thing every day: O.J. Black people too happy, white people too mad. I haven’t seen that many mad white people since they cancelled M*A*S*H. Everybody “Hey look at all them black people too happy talkin’ about “Look what we won! We won, we won!” Hey - what we won? I ain’t get nothin’ yet! Every day Nat X look in his mailbox, nothin' in there. Where my O.J. prize? Okay? Everybody talkin’ about its about race, it’s about race. That’s a bunch of crap. It’s about fame. ‘Cause if O.J. wasn’t famous, he’d be in jail right now. That’s right—if O.J. drove a bus, he wouldn’t even be O.J. He’d be Orenthal the bus driving murderer.

Look, don’t come here a kissin’ my behind. The only reason you’re here is ‘cause your daddy paid me, okay? Now I saw your movie of the week.

Oh thanks, did you like it?

Did I like it? Let me put it this way: I’ve seen better actin in a Cambodian whorehouse! Alright? I’ve seen better actin’ in tough actin’ Tinactin.

Yesterday, in a dramatic finish to his White House bid, Bob Dole began a 96-hour, 15-state, non-stop campaign tour that will take him right through Election day. Political experts are calling the grueling marathon a, quote, "last ditch effort," while medical experts are calling it, quote, "a suicide attempt."

In Atlanta this week, two separate bomb blasts rocked a building which houses an abortion clinic. Asked if there were any suspects, an FBI spokesman said, "We don't want to rush to judgment like we did in the Olympic Park bombing case," but then added, "It's Richard Jewell."

In Springfield, Missouri, the local cable company mistakenly aired five minutes of explicit sex scenes from the Playboy Channel on the Cartoon Network, during an episode of The Flintstones. Experts say that children who saw the broadcast called it the "greatest Flintstones episode ever!"

Finally, according to the U.S. News & World Report 1997 Career Guide, the best job in the United States, for the second year in a row, is Interactive Business System Analyst. However, last year's worst job, Assistant Crack Whore, has been replaced by a new worst job: Crack Whore Trainee.

They say Gene Roddenberry got the idea for Star Trek from Brasky talkin' in his sleep!

He hated Mexicans!

And he was half Mexican!

And he hated irony!

Alex Trebek

No, it isn't!

In January, production will begin on the seventh season of MTV's The Real World. The seven young people appearing in the series will represent different backgrounds, ages, religions and sexual orientations. However, this year, they will share one trait in common—I will hate them.

(as the new Weekend Update anchorman) You know how you go to your favorite bar, and your local bartender isn't there? You ask, "Where's Jeff?" "Jeff no longer works here, I'm Steve." And you're thinking, "Hey, who's this idiot? I like Jeff." But you still want your drink? And even though Steve doesn't mix your drink the same way you're used to, like Jeff, you still like the same bar, you don't want to have to go to a different bar. And even Steve might feel kinda bad because Jeff trained him. Jeff showed him how to work the cash register, where the tonic was on the soda gun, who tips, who doesn't. Well...I'm Steve. What can I get you?