“Unfinished Business” quotes from Criminal Minds

You're gonna end up eating a steady diet of government cheese, and livin' in a van down by the river!

Young man, what do you want to do with your life?

...Well, la-dee-FRICKIN-da! We got ourselves a writer here! Hey Dad, I can't see real good, is that Bill Shakespeare over there?

Dad, I wish you could shut your big YAPPER!

From what I hear, you're using that paper not for writing, but for rollin' doobies. Well there's gonna be plenty of time for doobie rollin', when you're LIVIN' IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!

Young lady, what do you want to do with your life?

Well, you'll have plenty of time for livin' in a van down by the river when...YOU'RE LIVIN' IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!

That's right, Bennett Brauer here with another commentary. Didn't think the suits would have me back, perhaps. Thought they'd have my derriere replaced by one of those cookie cutter store mannequins. Well, maybe I'm not "the norm". I'm not "camera friendly". I don't "wear clothes that fit me". I'm not a "heartbreaker". I haven't "had sex with a woman"; I don't know "how that works". I guess I don't "fall in line". I'm not "hygienic". I don't "wipe properly". I lack "style". I don't have "charisma" or "self esteem". I don't "own a toothbrush" or "let my scabs heal". I can't "reach all the parts of my body". When I sleep, I don't...I "sweat profusely". But I guess the "powers that be" will keep signing my paycheck, at least until John and Jane Q. Viewer start to go for the remote so they can get back to watching commentators who don't "frighten children" and don't "eat their own dandruff" and don't "pop their white heads with a compass they used in high school".

Um, sure, Cindy, go ahead..

[taking more] Oh, God, these are good!

I thought you were, um, trying to lose weight?

[deep voice, while choking Lucy] LAY OFF ME, I'M STARVING!

[subliminal editorial] In Singapore, public flogging by law is one hundred years old. (Dick Clark) And, frankly ...I was stunned to think there was any place on Earth where a teenage boy could be stripped and paddled across his bare buttocks. (Neverland Ranch) Admittedly...some convicted felons deserve to be beaten. (Leona Helmsley) But some say justice must be satisfied. But who gets satisfaction out of having people tied up and whipped? (Rick James) Others say...this acts as a deterrent but no one can predict the future. (Hillary Clinton) Yes, the boy admitted to spray painting cars, but he's only eighteen and young people often do stupid and impulsive things they later regret. (Shannen Doherty) I happen to think...that everyone's entitled to one mistake. (Euro Disney) And I'm not saying there aren't...those who I'd love to see get a good flogging. (Urkel) It's just that...I'm afraid we've become so insensitive that we've learned to accept the idea of a man's beating in public. (Pee Wee Herman) Let's have some compassion... Remember... No, I'm just saying, you gotta... Remember, justice should be tempered with mercy. These words from a wise man (Bazooka Joe) should be our watchword. ... And hopefully, before long, this boy can go on with his life and his story will be yesterday's news and long forgotten. (Debbie Gibson) Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, as we close out our 19th season, let’s say goodbye to the Saturday Night Live family singers.

So long, farewell!

We sell you jeans

So long, farewell!

So long, farewell!

We’re not on a lot

So long, goodbye

So long, farewell!

So long, farewell!

So long, farewell!

[dressed as Lenny Kosnowski] I don’t have a character yet

[alone and tired] So long.. farewell

You know, I can’t imagine a more dignified way to end my eight years on this program.

I'm Norm Macdonald, and now the fake news.

Well, David Hasselhoff is a huge rock star in Germany, where his latest album sold five million copies this week, which once again proves my theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff.

A study say that pot use in high school is up sharply. [Holds up some money] Don't I know it.

The much talked about film Showgirls opened this week, and here's my review. Basically a high-budget porno film, Showgirls is a thinly-veiled excuse to show lots of naked buttocks, legs, and breasts. On a scale of 1-10, I give it a 10.

And now a new feature on Weekend Update, here's Nancy Walls with the Head-Shaking News. Nancy?

Thank you, Norm.

Nancy, what have you got for us tonight?

Our top story tonight comes from Cincinnati, where a highly decorated, paralyzed World War II veteran was beaten and robbed by thieves, who then stole his wheelchair and tried to sell it for crack. [Norm and Nancy solemnly shake their heads, which they do with every sad story] The next morning, it was picked up by Cincinnati garbagemen, taken to the city dump, and melted down for scrap.

That...that just breaks your heart.

And this week in El Paso, a man was struck by lightning and taken to a local hospital, where he died after doctors mistakenly gave him a massive dose of electricity.

Oh...oh, you hate to hear that.

It's the times, Norm. In other news, Mickey, the beloved swan, who's been entertaining children at the St. Louis Zoo for 75 years...

Oh, hey, I love that swan.

Well, wait. He was shot through the neck with an arrow, beaten, and then sexually assaulted with his own beak.

Oh...that's just senseless.

And in Binghamton, New York, an organ courier bringing a liver to a dying nun had the organ stolen. The liver was later found in a large Kaiser roll with lettuce, tomato, and Russian dressing. It had been delivered to a rival fraternity as a prank.

Oh...what a world we live in, Nancy. What a world.

I think somewhere, Norm, we got off the track as a society.

Well, is that all for the Head-Shaking News, Nancy?

No, no, Norm, there's one more item. I'm a new cast member, I just moved here all the way from Chicago, and this Head-Shaking News thing pretty much is my big spot on the show.

Oh...that's not right.

What are you gonna do?

Well, hey, maybe this Head-Shaking News thing will kinda take off.

You really think so?

[shaking] No, I don't. Nancy Walls, everybody.

Well, it is finally official: murder is legal in the state of California.