She's choppin' broccoli
Choppin' broccoli
Choppin' broccoli
Choppin' broccoli
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
She's choppin' broccoli
She's choppin' broccoli
She's chop.. ooh!
She's choppin' broccola-ah-ie!
MMephistopheles
(hypnotically at camera) You, watching this at home, worship me! I command you! Become my willing thralls and live enternally!
DLDoug Llewellen
That's all for this edition of "The People's Court."
MMephistopheles
Know the sweet, sublime feeling of complete obedience to your Evil Master! Come serve me, the Prince of Darkness, I command it! Hear me!
BBaliff
Come on, let's go! Come on!
MMephistopheles
Wait, wait just a second... Obey me! Obey me! (laughs wickedly)
Tonight's top story: Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse turned up in the People's Republic of China this week to promote their series in Chinese television. This is just part of a worldwide Disney organization, which also includes "Goofy in Beirut" and also a new Disney character, "Hassenfutz in Nicaragua."
And the New York Mets defeated the Boston Red Sox in Game 6 of the World Series tonight, prompting New York Yankees owner, George Steinbrenner to fire his manager Lou Piniella.
If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.
If I had two wishes that I could wish for this holiday season, the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace...and the second would be for $30 million a month to be given to me, tax-free in a Swiss bank account.
You know, if I had three wishes that I could make this holiday season, first, of course, would be for all the children to get together and sing, the second would be for the $30 million every month to me, and the third would be for all encompassing power over every living being in the entire universe.
And if I had four wishes that I could make this holiday season, first would be the crap about the kids, second would be for the $30 million, the third would be for all the power, and the fourth would be to set aside one month each year to have an extended 31-day orgasm, to be brought about slowly by Rosanna Arquette and that model, Paulina somebody, I can't think of her name, of course my lovely wife could come, too. She's behind me 100% on this, I guarantee you.
Wait a minute, maybe that sex thing should be the first wish! So, if I made that the first wish, because, you know, it could all go boom tomorrow, and then what have you got? No, no, the kids singing would be great, that would be nice. Wait a minute, who am I kidding? I mean, they're not gonna be able to get all those kids together! I mean, the logistics of the thing is impossible! It's more trouble than it's worth! So, we reorganize, here we go. First, the sex thing—we go with that; second, the money. No! We go with the power second, then the money, and then the kids. Oh, wait, oh geez! I forgot about revenge against my enemies! Okay, I need revenge against all my enemies, they should die like pigs in Hell! That would be the fourth wish! And of course, my fifth wish would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace. Thank you, everybody, and Merry Christmas.
Sam Donaldson (Kevin Nealon): Vice-President Bush, there are millions of homeless in this country - children who go hungry, and lacking in other basic necessities. How would the Bush administration achieve your stated goal of making this a kinder, gentler nation?
George Bush (Dana Carvey): Well, that is a big problem, Sam, and unfortunately the format of these debates makes it hard to give you a complete answer. If I had more time, I could spell out the program in greater detail, but I'm afraid, in a short answer like this, all I can say is we're on track - we can do more - but we're getting the job done, so let's stay on course, a thousand points of light. Well, unfortunately, I guess my time is up.
Diane Sawyer (Jan Hooks): Mr. Vice-President, you still have a minute-twenty.
What? That can't be right. I must have spoken for at least two minutes.
DSDiane Sawyer
No, just forty seconds, Mr. Vice-President.
Really? Well, if I didn't use the time then, I must have just used the time now, talking about it.
DSDiane Sawyer
No, no, Mr. Vice-President, it's not being counted against you.
Well, I just don't want it to count against Governor Dukakis' time.
DSDiane Sawyer
It won't. It will come out of the post-debate commentary.
Do you think that's a good idea?
DSDiane Sawyer
You still have a minute-twenty, Mr. Vice-President.
Well, more has to be done, sure. But the programs we have in place are doing the job, so let's keep on track and stay the course.
DSDiane Sawyer
You have fifty seconds left, Mr. Vice-President.
Let me sum up. On track, stay the course. Thousand points of light.
DSDiane Sawyer
Governor Dukakis, rebuttal?
Michael Dukakis (Jon Lovitz): I can't believe I'm losing to this guy.
You know, I've been coming here to do Saturday Night Live since 1976, and the thing that keeps bringing you back is the people you get to work with...and I would like to show you something we recorded on this stage in 1978. [Steve then shows the season 3 sketch "Dancing in the Dark", in which he dances with original cast member Gilda Radner, who had passed away the day the episode premiered] You know, when I look at that tape, I can't help but think how great she was, and how young I looked. Gilda, we miss you.
Here now with a commentary on the values and priorities in American journalism is Mr. Subliminal. Hello, Mr. Subliminal. [pause] Welcome Mr. Subliminal, everybody.
Mr. Subliminal (Kevin Nealon): Thank you. Thank you, Dennis (haircut). You know, there's so many... There's so many important newsworthy events in today's world. But what's making headlines? [Holds up two copies of the New York Post with the same story...] Donald and Ivana Trump (greedy pigs). I mean, what's the big deal? The Trumps are just two normal people with normal problems (therapy). Donald's a confused man who should evoke our sympathy and understanding (cheating bastard), and Ivana... a very sweet and unfortunately heartbroken women (had it coming to her) who was misled into signing an obviously unfair prenuptial agreement (sucker). And caught up in all... of this, in the middle, is a sweet, innocent country girl named Marla Maples (homewrecker), who never had a chance... never had a chance to defend herself before the press (guilty). And who cares? Who cares where she's hiding out? (Atlantic City) Personally, I just don't understand the fascination with her (breasts). I mean, Germany... German reunification is right around the corner (big mistake), and Marla's picture... Marla's picture is on the cover of every paper. There's no reason for this (big breasts). Now, let's get our priorities in the right place (hot sex). So, in summing up, let's leave Donald (fishmouth) and Ivana out of the news, and let that poor innocent Marla Maples (slut) live her life without the press manipulating her (call me). I mean, come on. I mean, really.
Let me just say this. Marla doesn't deserve this (tie me up), and the public doesn't deserve this. Unlike other news reporters, I have true journalistic values (talk dirty to me). And from this point on, I will bring to you only the most important and newsworthy issues in today's world (bring Donald's money). Thank you.
[The Happy Fun Ball sketch]
K1Kid 1
It's happy!
K2Kid 2
It's fun!
K1Kid 1, Kid 2, Kid 3
It's Happy Fun Ball!
AAnnouncer
Yes, it's Happy Fun Ball! The toy sensation that's sweeping the nation! Only $14.95 at participating stores! Get one today! [suddenly, in a serious tone] Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly, and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball. Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds. Happy Fun Ball contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at. Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete. Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs: Itching, vertigo, dizziness, tingling in extremites, loss of balance and coordination, slurred speech, temporary blindness, profuse sweating, or heart palpitations. If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head. Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin. When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration. Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products Inc., and its parent company, Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability. Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball includes an unknown glowing green substance which fell to Earth, probably from outer space. Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq. Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball. Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime warranty. [back in energetic tone again] Happy Fun Ball! Accept no substitutes!
Bob Swerski (George Wendt): Before we sign off, Todd here has a special ritual that he would like to perform in honor of the Bulls. Todd, as you can see, is standing in a hula skirt and a coconut bra. Todd, when was the last time you performed this ritual?
TOTodd O'Conner
(Chris Farley) January 26, 1986, when the Bears won the Super Bowl.
Bob: Okay, you may proceed.
TOTodd O'Conner
DA Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls, Da Bulls
Secret Service Agent (Kevin Nealon): Sir, we've only been jogging for three blocks. Besides, Mrs. Clinton asked us not to let you in any more fast food places.
Bill Clinton (Phil Hartman): I just want to mingle with the American people, talk with some real folks.. and maybe get a Diet Coke, or something.
SSSecret Service Agent
Fine. But please don't tell Mrs. Clinton.
BCBill Clinton
Jim, let me tell you something—there's gonna be a lot of things we don't tell Mrs. Clinton about.
DSDavid Spade
[during his Weekend Update segment "Hollywood Minute"] And Steve Martin, what about his new movie, Leap of Faith? I was gonna go see it, but I was sick that day. [the audience laughs lightly, then bursts into rapturous applause, as unbeknownst to Spade, Steve Martin himself walks up behind him] He has blonde hair in it- am I supposed to buy that? His hair has been grey since 1974. He's probably turned into one of those guys that doesn't wear a tie now- "Hey, I'm Matt Dillon". [as he says the following part, Martin grabs Spade's shoulder and starts squeezing it in implied anger.] Yeah, just a minute, Kevin. Anyway-- ow, you're hurting me. [he finally sees Martin, and is understandably scared shitless.]
Thanks for the tip, Kevin. [to Spade] You wanna go now? [Spade immediately leaves without a word, and Martin proceeds to do a similar segment ripping on HIM instead.] Hi there. I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hassling people with real careers. It's called "Your Last Hollywood Minute." Deal with it!
Bennett Brauer (Chris Farley): [making air quotes throughout] That's right, Bennett Brauer, here with a commentary. Not quite what you're used to, perhaps. Not a tidy picture, is it? Because in today's souped up society, apparently John Q. Viewer is only comfortable getting his opinions from a Ken doll. Well, maybe I'm not a "G.Q. model" or a "hunk". Maybe I'm not "handsome" or even "presentable". I'm not "pleasing to the eye". Maybe I'm not "witty". I have no "charm" or "appeal". I'm not "smart" or even "the average". I don't "pee in the potty". I'm not "clean". I don't "smell good". I'm not "polished" or "prepared". I have nothing "interesting to say". I guess I don't "play the game". When I eat, I don't "use silverware" or "wipe my face". I don't "wash afterwards" or even the "next day". So I guess I just don't "fit the mold", and if that 's the case, I'll just step back and I'm sure John and Jane Doe can go back to enjoying the endless parade of commentators who don't "make people queasy". Thanks, that's all for now, Kevin.
Matt Foley (Chris Farley): First off, I am 35 years old, I am divorced, and I live in a van down by the river.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.