Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Hi, I'm Norman Bates for the Norman Bates School of Motel Management, here to explain how to be your own boss in this rapidly-expanding field. Best of all, you learn at home, right in the privacy of your own shower. I'll show you how to run anything from a tourist home to a multi-unit motel inn.
Yes, a diploma in motel management can be your passport to prosperity, independence, and security, but are you motel material? Let's find out with a simple quiz. Question 1: A guest loses the key to her room. Would you (A) Give her a duplicate key, (B) Let her in with your passkey, or (C) Hack her to death with a kitchen knife. Question 2: Which of the following is the most important in running a successful motel? Is it (A) Cordial atmosphere, (B) Courteous service, or (C) Hack her to death with a kitchen knife.
[Jean-Paul got shot and fell into the snow]
Uh-oh! Uh-oh! It looks to me like he's been accidentally shot by Claudine Longet!
[Jean-Paul regains balance on his skis]
Just grazed, I think, Tom..
[Jean-Paul got shot again and fell back into the snow]
Oh, no! That one got him, he's down! No, he's down this time...no, no! No, he's getting up!
[Jean-Paul continues to ski downhill, albeit a little awkwardly]
Always the mark of a fine athlete is the ability to recover in difficult situations.
I can't believe he's going for the finish line... and -
[Jean-Paul got shot for the last time and fell down to the snow for good]
Oh, no! Again... again he's been accidentally shot by Claudine Longet, and, this time, I think he's down to stay, Jessica.
[SNL Producer Lorne Michaels offering The Beatles a certified check to reunite on the show]
The National Broadcasting Company has authorized me to offer you this check to be on our show. A certified check for $3,000. Here it is right here. A check made out to you, the Beatles, for $3,000. All you have to do is sing three Beatles songs. "She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah." That's $1,000 right there. You know the words. It'll be easy. Like I said, this is made out to the Beatles. You divide it up any way you want. If you want to give less to Ringo, that's up to you.
[after watching Henry Kissinger leave the Oval Office] Jewboy! Jewboy! Jewboy!
Weekend Update recognizes its obligation to present responsible opposing viewpoints to out editorials. Here with an editorial reply is Miss Emily Litella.
What's all this fuss I keep hearing about violins on television?
[Dell Stator's Toad Ranch jingle]
When you're at home or on the road
And you've got to stop to crave that toad
Dell Stator's, Dell Stator's
Dell Stator's Family Toad Ranch!
[SNL Producer Lorne Michaels begging The Beatles to reunite on the show, increasing the offer that he previously made during episode 1.18]
I was able to convince NBC to sweeten the pot. John, Paul, George, and Ringo: we are now prepared to up the original offer to $3,200.
[Holds up a certified check payable to The Beatles]
As you can see, it's a check for $3,200 made out to you, The Beatles. Off the record, this increase comes to an extra $50 for each of you. That's if you split it equally. I'm still not sure what your situation with Ringo is. Furthermore, NBC will also take care of your hotel accommodation. Don Pardo, tell the Beatles what they can expect when they come to get that check for $3,200.
It'll be my pleasure, Lorne. First of all, the lads from Liverpool will be picked up by a radio-dispatched Checker cab that will whisk them to Cross Town Motor Inn, located in the heart of New York's fashionable garment district. Once there, they will check in in the recently renovated lobby. And then it's off to their rooms via round-the-clock elevator service, where they'll be treated like royalty as pitchers of ice water are hand-delivered to their rooms, and they can drink that water from glasses sanitized for their convenience. Oops! Ringo spilled a little something on his jacket? No problem: not with prompt 48-hour dry cleaning service. "In by Tuesday, out by Thursday!" And let's just put a shine on those shoes too, with a free shoe shine cloth. And, Lorne, since The Beatles will be staying in separate rooms, the four Mop Tops can still speak to each other as much as they want to because there is no charge for room-to-room calls. And, after "a hard day's night", The Beatles can sleep as late as they like with leisurely checkout time of 10 a.m. That's the Cross Town Motor Inn, a hotel tradition, hosting New York's visitors since 1971. "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Back to you, Lorne.
[voiceover] Captain's Log, final entry. We have tried to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before. And except one television network, we have found intelligent life everywhere in the galaxy. Live and long prosper. Captain James T. Kirk, SC 937-0176 CEC.
The Smothers Brothers announced this week that they are splitting up. Dick Smothers says he want to spend more time with his family; Tommy will continue his career as soon as he breaks in a new brother.
It was my understanding that there would be no math during the debates.
Good evening, I'm God! Let's take a look at tonight's top stories, shall we?
Ugandan dictator Idi Amin has decided to go under species change surgery. If the surgery was successful, he will take a career on American television. However, if the surgery is unsuccessful, he will eat American television.
(on the phone) Don't worry. I'll do Jiminy Cricket.
(makes a Jiminy Cricket face, then sings)
When you wish upon a star,
your..
(realized he's on the air and hangs up)
Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase, and I don't like you.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
