“Unfinished Business” quotes from Criminal Minds

Oh well, I guess I am queen. And a queen is a queen. But I am also a woman. And a woman is a woman.

And a horse is a horse.

Of course, of course.

Chevy Chase

Well, on the warmmer, happier side of life, far from the stories which seem sad or tragic, baby gorilla Boom-Boom was flown by Concorde from Paris to Washington last Thursday, to join the Ringling Bros. Barnum and Bailey's Zoo & Circus. Boom-Boom enchanted passengers and stewardesses during the three-and-a-half hour flight by dancing in the aisles, making cute noises, and breaking into the cockpit and ripping apart the face of the captain, mutiliating the navigator, and crash-landing the jet in Greenland. One humorous note: There are no survivors.

Chevy Chase

Well, the results of the election are in. Gerald Ford: 0. Jimmy Carter: 0. More on this as it develops.

Jane Curtin

Actress Sally Field is making a comeback, in a 4-hour drama, Sybil, to be televised tomorrow night on NBC. Adapted from the book, "Sybil" is a story of a woman who took refuge in sixteen different personalities. Sally welcomes the challenge of this role, and feels confident to pull it off. As she recently told the reporter: "Thank you, it's nice to be here." "Should I check your oil, ma'am?" "And now it's time to play, Double Jeopardy!" "We'll call this baby... Jesus." "Je m'appel Henri!" "Franklin, stop playing with that and come to bed!" "Good Yante, Rabbi." "I do." "Who is this masked man?" "I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not!" "Come on, Sandy, we gotta find Daddy Warbucks!" "$20 for me, $10 for the hotel." "Every boy wants a Hasbro toy!" "Hey, Abbotttt!" "I am not a crook!" Lassie, it's me Timmy!" "And as god as my witness, I'll never be hungry again."

[on the phone] Hello? Hello?

Yes. Hello, Peter?

[on the phone] Is this the President?

Yes, it is.

Do you have a question for the President?

[on the phone] Uh.. I uh.. I took some acid.. I'm afraid to leave my apartment, and I can't wear any clothes.. and the ceiling is dripping, and uh..

Well, thanks you very much for calling, sir..

Just a minute, Walter, this guy's in trouble. I think I better try to talk him down. Peter?

[on the phone] Yeah..?

Peter, what did the acid look like?

[on the phone] They were these little orange pills.

Were they barrel shaped?

[on the phone] Uh.. yes.

Okay, right, you did some orange sunshine, Peter.

[on the phone] Very good of you to know that, sir.

How long ago did you take it, Peter.

[on the phone] Uh.. I don't know. I can't read my watch.

Alright, Peter, just listen. Everything is going to be fine. You're very high right now. You will probably be that way for five more hours. Try taking some Vitamin B complex, Vitamin C complex.. if you have beer, go ahead and drink it.

[on the phone] Okay..

Just remember you're a living organism on this planet, and you're very safe. You've just taken a heavy drug. Relax, stay inside, and listen to some music. Do you have any Allman Brothers?

[on the phone] Yes, I do, sir. Everything is okay, huh Jimmy?

It sure is, Peter. You know, I'm against drug use myself, but I'm not going to lay that on you right now. Just mellow out the best you can, okay?

[on the phone] Okay.

Okay!

Jane Curtin

According to a book published this week, that not only George Washington has wooden teeth, but America's first president also had a wooden eye, a wooden leg, four wooden toes, a wooden wrist, a wooden spleen, and a wooden prostate gland. In fact, he was the rowboat that crossed Delaware. Don't you love history?

Remember this: There is a thin line between comedy and humor.

Jane Curtin

Well, Watergate cover-up co-conspirators John Mitchell, John E. Erlichman, and Cubby Haldeman have been signed on as Mouseketeers on the Mickey Mouse Club TV series. When asked to comment on this unusual move, the three defendants quote in unison, "Why, because we like you!"

[her phone messenge] Hello, this is Emily Litella. I'm not home right now. But I will call you back as soon as possible. Just leave your name, number, and what time you called, after you hear the sound of the jeep. [beep]

Jane Curtin

Today was the 102nd running of the Preakness, and our Update sports team was there, where we not only covered the race but also attached a microphone to the jockey of the race's winner, Seattle Slew.

[voiceover] Ouch..! Ouch..! Ow..! Oh, boy..! Hey.. hey.. aiiee..! Ow-ay.. ow..! Ow.. ow.!

[voiceover] It's okay, we'll be alright!

[voiceover] Okay. Oh..! Ow..! Ow..!

[voiceover] We're okay!

[voiceover] I know, my- ow!

[voiceover] Ohhh, I told you, Wilbur!

[voiceover] Ow, I wish I was wearing my jockey shorts-- aiieee! Ow..!

[voiceover] Oh boy, Wilbur! Oh..! Good boy!

Jane Curtin

A footnote to the race: the other favorite, Run Dusty Run, not noted for being a good loser, threw a tantrum and had to be dragged away kicking and screaming.

[Czech accent] We are... two wild and crazy guys!

Dan Aykroyd

During the Lance Hearings, Sen. Charles Percy has been inaccurately accused of tax fraud and embezzlement. Percy later apologized, saying that anyone can make a mistake. Well this story has JUST come in: In 1946, while in the navy, Percy has sex with a polar bear.

Jane Curtin

Uh, wait a minute, Dan. We just had a report that that story is inaccurate. But we do have this, uh, from one of our sources: In 1972, Percy personally ordered the assassination of baseball player Roberto Clemente.

Dan Aykroyd

Uh, this bulletin is JUST coming in, Jane: That last story is, in fact, inaccurate, but we DO have information that in 1957, Percy ordered the assassination of a polar bear while having SEX with Roberto Clemente. More on that story, uh, when we get some of the facts. [looks offscreen] Will someone check that out?

[voiceover] And now, Weekend Update with Chevy Chase!

[shocked] What?!

[voiceover] [apologetic] Sorry, old script.

[as he holds a lit cigarette] I logged a lot of miles training for that day and I downed a lot of donuts, Little Chocolate Donuts, they taste good, and they've got the sugar I need to get me going in the morning. That's why Little Chocolate Donuts have been on my training table since I was a kid.

[voiceover] The Little House on The Praire Burns To The Ground will not be seen tonight, so that NBC will air the following special program.