“Unfinished Business” quotes from Criminal Minds

Okay, Mr. Wilson, I think you're qualified for this job. How about a starting salary of $5,000?

Your momma!

Uh.. $7,500 a year?

Your grandmomma!

$15,000, Mr. Wilson. You'll be the highest paid janitor in America. Just, don't... don't hurt me, please...

Okay.

Okay.

You want me to start now?

Oh, no, no... that's alright. I'll clean all this up. Take a couple of weeks off, you look tired.

Chevy Chase

UNICEF fell under attack this week when Syria formally protested the charitable organization's new Christmas card, which says, in ten different languages, "Let's kill the Arabs and take their oil!"

[voiceover] This is Don Pardo saying, oh oh oh! Whoops! I'm reading upside down!

[calling upstairs] Honey?! Did you send for interior demolitionists?!

[from upstairs] I can't hear you what you're saying, honey - I'm in the shower!

[calling upstairs] Do you send for interior demolitionists?!!

[from upstairs] What?!

[to Interior Demolitionist 1] Do you want - you want some coffee?

Oh yeah! Great!

No coffee for me, thank you.

The ASPCA is out to get me because of this horse thing.

Alright. The Tattaglia Family is moving in on my territory. They've taken over numbers, prostitution, and restaurant linen supply, and now they want to bring in drugs. Also, they just shot my son, Santino, fifty-six times.

Ah! Now we are getting somewhere. What do you think about this?

Drugs, I am against.

Chevy Chase

Well, as the primaries approach, more and more varied candidates are joining the fight for the Democratic ticket. The latest entry is Senator Robert Byrd. Byrd was once a member of the Ku Klux Klan, but says now that he deeply regrets that association. Byrd has been quoted as saying: "I don't judge a man by the color of his skin; I judge him according to the size of his nostrils."

Chevy Chase

Meanwhile, Sargent Shriver, stressing his close association with the Kennedy clan and his affinity for the Trumans' straightforwardness, has written his campaign slogan: "The Duck Stops Here." Asked if this plans would affect a Kennedy draft, Shriver commented: "I do not believe this year that Teddy Kennedy will throw his hat into the water."

Mr. President, you're signing your hand.

Come on in and sit down, Ron.

Now what's this about a press conference, Ron?

You called it, Mr. President.

Called it what?

No, you called the press conference, Sir.

I see. [Looks over at Liberty] Heel, Liberty. [Looking back at Nessen] Sit down and make yourself comfortable, Ron.

I am sitting, Mr. President.

Ah! Then you must be comfortable.

Yes, Sir. Thank you.

I'm pretty comfortable myself.

That's good.

[Looks around the Oval Office] I just don't see what's so awful about this room, personally.

No, Sir, Oval. It's the Oval Office, sir.

Ah!

Not awful, Oval, round.

Chevy Chase

Another note on the Super Bowl: President Ford expressed regret that he won't join Mr. Kissinger in Miami tomorrow, saying he's flying to Boston for the first game of the World Series.

Chevy Chase

This week, the FDA banned Red Dye #2, saying the red coloring agent was suspected of having cancer-causing qualities. Coincidentally, it was reported this week that Ronald Reagan has revealed that he underwent treatment for cancer of the hair.

Chevy Chase

President Gerald Ford has released a list of eight potential running mates for the 1976 election. Among them listed are Elliot Richardson, Charles Percy, Howard Major, and Sen. Edward Brooke of Massachusetts. White House sources said that Brooke, a black man, will not actually be a choice for a running mate, but that "The President will put his name as a token of his appreciation.

Chevy Chase

Well, the popular TV personality known as Professor Backwards was slain in Atlanta yesterday by three masked gunmen. According to reports, neighbors ignored the Professor's cries of 'Pleh, pleh!'

Chevy Chase

Uh, Emily?

What?

Chevy Chase

I'm sorry, it's an editorial about cancer research, not canker sores.

Ohhh! I never thought of that! Never mind!

RING AROUND THE COLLAR!