“Unfinished Business” quotes from Criminal Minds

[to Marv Albert before his match with Connie Hawkins] I've gotta stay with my strengths, basically... singing and songwriting.

My fellow Americans... ladies and gentlemen.. members of the press... and my immediate family. First, may I thank you all for being here. And I am in my immediate family. First, may I thank you all for being here. And I am in my immediate family. Thank you all for being here, and I am truly honored to be asked by you to open the "Saturday Night" show with Harvey Cosell.

Chevy Chase

Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase and you're not.

Who is it?

Mrs. Bragalaaaa....?

Who is it??

...Plumber.

Plumber? I didn't ask for a plumber. Who is it?

...Telegram.

Oh. Telegram. Just a moment...

Chevy Chase

And now, as a public service to those of our viewers who have difficulty with their hearing, I will repeat the top story of the day, aided by the Headmaster of the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Garrett Morris. Our top story tonight...

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT!!!

Chevy Chase

President Ford flew to Paris for a summit conference, and boy, are his arms tired!

PRESIDENT FORD FLEW TO PARIS FOR A SUMMIT CONFERENCE, AND BOY, ARE HIS ARMS TIRED!!!

Chevy Chase

Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TO-MOR-ROW!

Chevy Chase

Secretary of State Henry Kissinger has been cited for contempt of Congress! Kissinger commented, “So what? Congress has at least as much contempt for me as I do for him. Besides, Nixon lied, didn’t he? And he gets to sunbathe while I get terminal jet lag.”

Chevy Chase

A new book has been published and released, and it’s entitled, “Friends of Richard Nixon.” A short work, it is only one page longer than the work, “Famous Antarctic Television Personalities of the Eighteenth Century.” Of his former boss, President Ford said, “Well, I spent most of the week reading it, finding it challenging in its scope.”

Chevy Chase

The United States... hold it... The United Nations General Assembly passed a resolution equating Zionism with racism. Black entertainer Sammy Davis, Jr., a convert to Judaism, was quoted as saying: “What a breakthrough! Now, finally, I can hate myself!”

Chevy Chase

The FCC announced today that for every Ford commercial run on television, a minute of an old Ronald Reagan film must be shown. As a result of this action, a spokesman for George Wallace responded by demanding equal time by showing one minute of "Ironsides."

Chevy Chase

Later, Mr. Ford pierced his left hand with a salad fork at a luncheon celebrating Tuna Salad Day at the White House. Alert Secret Service agents seized the fork and wrestled it to the ground.

Chevy Chase

Good evening. I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not. The top story tonight: The Senate Intelligence Committee has revealed that the CIA has been involved in no less than nine assassination plots against various foreign leaders. Commented President Ford upon reading the report, quote, "Boy, I'm sure glad I'm not foreign."

Being a New Yorker means never having to say you're sorry.

How you doin'? Thank you very much for coming here to New York. Uh, hope I'm funny. I'd like to dedicate this to, uh, show to Miles Davis, my friend. He's in the hospital, sick. But he's cool. Miles always gets women, though, 'cause he talks so cool. You know, Miles go: [scratchy whisper] "What's happenin'?" I get women, too. I can't keep 'em but I get 'em. Women always leave me, man! I don't mind 'em leavin' but they tell you why. You know what I mean? Just leave! Don't tell me why! 'Cause there ain't nothin' you can do but stand there and look silly, right? You be... [imitates a man standing there and looking silly: points to himself in surprise, shrugs helplessly, rolls his eyes, shakes his head in disbelief] And the madder you get, women get cool when you get mad. [as an angry man] "WELL, GO ON AND GET OUT THEN!" [as a cool, calm woman] "I'm leaving." [as the man] "I DON'T EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" [as the woman] "Don't worry, you shan't."

Drive you to drink, jack, you know? I tried drinkin' for a while but I used to go into bars and check out the people that were drinkin' and they weren't happy. And they get beat up a lot. No -- drunks, they start out cool. Brother be cool at first and he goin': "Give me a Scotch and soda, please." Real cool. 'Bout a hour later: "WHAT?! WHAT YOU MEAN I'M DRUNK?! HUH? I wasn't drunk when I came in here! And I ain't gonna leave till I'm sober. Now, you can dig that, baby.

Dog.

Tree.

Fast.

Slow.

Rain.

Snow.

White.

...Black.

Bean.

Pod.

Negro.

Whitey.

Tarbaby.

[pause] What'd you say?

Tarbaby.

Ofay.

Colored.

Redneck.

Jungle bunny.

Peckerwood!

Burrhead!

Cracker!

Spearchucker!

White trash!

Jungle Bunny!

Honky!

Spade!

Honky honky!

Nigger!

DEAD honky!