[an army of Norsemen are fighting each other. Billy walks up to Thor]
You don't always have to solve your problems by fighting, you can work through them by talking things out. Or, by buying expensive gifts.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[Viking cuts Harold's pompadour off] Hey! My brain was in there!
BBrain
Put me in the freezer!
Young man, you can be rude, break furniture, run up phone bills, shave the cat, and even harrass your mother! But when you touch the pomp, it's GO TIME!
[as the Viking tries to attack her while she defends herself with a chair] See, Harold? I told you it was not a good idea for Billy to have doughnuts three times a day!
[referring to the root beer fountain] Didn't you say that I had UNLIMITED access to the fountain?
HHeimdall
Well, yes, but-
But nothing! I am still accessing.
T by x over y plus M divided by 365 divided by E squared by Pi OF COURSE! [gets pie from fridge] PIE!
Now matter how bad it seems, it could get worse. [screen flashes revealing herself as an ugly, green monster as she disappears in a flash]
I'm gonna guess this has something to do with Billy.
Hey, Mandy.
5 points for me. What are you doing?
Hiding from the clowns.
The clown thing, I should have known. Get out here. [Billy comes out] You're gonna make me ask, aren't you?
Ask what?
What's with all the oranges?
They're not oranges, they're tangelos.
[pause]
OK. What's with all the tangelos?
Clowns hate tangelos. Messes with their equilibrium.
Who told you that fungus? [Oranges man walks away, whistling nervously] Billy, you've got to get over this ridiculous fear of clowns.
Who you calling ridi-culous? Well, what about your fear of professional figure skaters?
That's not a fear. I just don't trust the way they spin is all.
You gotta believe me, Mandy! The clowns are nothing but ultimate evil! They wanna become the dominant species on the planet, and they'll destroy us all to make it happen! DESTROY US ALL!! DESTROY US ALL!! DESTROY US ALL!! DESTROY US ALL!! DESTROY US ALL!! DESTROY US ALL!! DESTROY US ALL!! DESTROY US ALL!! DESTROY US ALL!! DESTROY US ALL!! DESTROY US ALL!! I'll take the chicken. DESTROY US ALL!! DESTROY US ALL!! DESTROY US ALL!! DESTROY US ALL!! DESTROY US ALL!!
[annoyed] All right, that's it! [Mandy has been carrying Grim (in several pieces) around in her backpack]
Okay, we need to talk about this backpack thing. It's very demeaning. I'm the Grim Reaper, for goodness sake! I used to have a chariot of four-hundred burning horses. My arrival on the scene would be a raging thunderclap of fear! Now it's "Hey, have you seen Grim? Yeah! I think he's wedged between a history textbook and a tuna-fish sandwich!"
DESTROY US ALL!! DESTROY US ALL!! DESTROY US ALL!! DESTROY US ALL! DESTROY US ALL!!
See, Mandy? All we had to do was shake him and yell. It's the answer to everything! [Billy punches him in the face] Me face!
IFInner Frat Boy
What's up, Billy? You look a little down.
Who're you?
IFInner Frat Boy
I'm your Inner Frat Boy, dude.
Wow! I didn't even know I had an Inner Frat Boy!
IFInner Frat Boy
Well, Sure. Everybody has an Inner Frat Boy. Since your here, it must mean you need my help. [belches]
Well, as a matter of fact I do have a problem. These really scary clowns keep on scaring me!
IFInner Frat Boy
Aw, clowns aren't scary, Billy.
They're not?
IFInner Frat Boy
No, they're just different, and just because someone's different doesn't mean you should be afraid of them. It means you should be angry at them! How dare they be different?! What, my way of life ain't good enough for ya?!
So you're saying I should beat them up?
IFInner Frat Boy
Billy, fighting outside of a hockey rink is WRONG. But I'm imaginary, so do what you gotta do.
Thanks for all your help, Inner Frat Boy.
IFInner Frat Boy
No problem, Billy! [Pulls out a paddle] Now, ya ready for your paddlin'?
Uh, no.
IFInner Frat Boy
[Sounding disappointed] Oh... OK... another time, then...
[Grim and Mandy, dressed as clowns, pursue Billy into a beauty parlor with 1980s music playing in the background]
And people think I'm scary. [calls out to the women in the parlor] 1983 ended a really long time ago, ladies!
[dressed as a clown] Billy! Don't fear us! We're here to make you smile!
[also dressed as a clown] And for crying out loud, stop wettin' yourself!
[Grim tries to juggle but the balls hit Billy in the face]
What was that?!
I told you I can't juggle! I wanted to do the routine with the umbrellas, but you said "No"! [Billy tries to crawl away] And where do you think you’re going?! [picks Billy up by the collar of his shirt and shakes him] Listen! STOP BEING AFRAID OF CLOWNS! STOP IT, YOU NINNY! STOP IT, OKAY?! STOP BEING AFRAID OF CLOWNS!
Gotta go to my happy place, gotta go to my happy place, happy place, HAPPY PLACE...
[singing while playing with a toy truck] Keep on truckin', truck-truck-truck-truckin'!
EEris
Hey, guess what - chicken butt, but seriously, did you know at Flabburger they actually THROW AWAY food that's been under a heat lamp for more than 36 hours? So, I brought you dorks lunch.
[transformed into a hideous monster; sarcastically] Here, Eris. Put it on my slimy flippers.
[also a hideous monster; sarcastically] No, Eris, put it in my claw of a head, or rest it on Billy's udders.
[shoots milk out of his nose] Heh heh, I gots an udder.
I'll win Mandy back, or die trying!
Let me know if you need help with the last part!
What's going on here?
Did I just...
Stalking us?
No, I was just following you wherever you went.
So, you were spying..
I wasn't spying, I swear! I was just lurking in the bushes watching you every move!
Listen, Billy. Bobby's the new Billy around here. Get the message, you are nothing. [she pushes Billy into a mailbox] Come on, Bobby, let's go.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.