You just ain't returnin' any of my calls, and that ain't very polite.
Yeah, well, you're the expert on polite. Wait, no, you're not.
[looks in the bag] Two avocados?
Yeah, well, I was tryin' to come up with a peace offering, so I thought I'd bake you a cake or something only I don't know how to cook or any of that shit, so I thought I'd go to the store and buy you a cake only they're too expensive and I can't go to my bakery because I told the guy that his cannolis tasted like cat piss. So I got the avocados, I think they're ripe.
Well, I talked to Father Dan, or well tried to. It turns out that we have been banned from getting married anywhere near the Diocese, much less in it.
Well, Sean, I'm sorry, I really am. Can you not hear me say it? I'm sorry. Maggie Gavin is saying she's sorry. She must really be in love, huh? She is, Sean, in letters eight miles high.
You know, Maggie, yesterday after your performance with the priest I went home and I was really upset and I was thinkin' about you and I threw up. And I thought to myself, well maybe I'm not the smartest guy on the planet, but maybe you shouldn't get married to someone who actually makes you throw up, okay? I don't like to puke. It's not gonna work. [hands her the avocados and walks away]
Sean. Sean. You're making me cry. You're such an asshole!
Jesus Christ, he is now officially two hours overdue. I mean, this is unheard of. Jerry is never late.
Still gettin' Tommy's voice mail. Called him at home, the machine is full.
He was in the shower when I left this morning.
Maybe he like slipped and knocked himself out.
You know, the way that his life's been goin' that would be an improvement.
What do you wanna do, Lou?
What do I wanna do? What does Lou wanna do? Lou wants to sit here with a box of doughnuts and watch Frankenstein. That's what Lou wants to do. Although, that combination usually leads to a jerk off session so Lou will just stand here and worry.
You know, how would you rather go out? Lying there burnt up like Stack in some hospital bed. They come in and take you, bit by bit. Like you're a goddamn Mr. Potato Head. Or like Jerry? Bangin' away, free as a bird, his cock as hard as a shovel, huh? Mr. Potato Head style or cock like a shovel? Well?
I'm thinking. [pauses] Shovel cock.
Hey chief, do you wanna break this window?
Nah, this is beveled glass. He'll shit if we break this.
Nah, that's a storm window. I'll tell you what — we were down at the track last week. The guy owes me forty bucks, so let's see if we can find a forty dollar window.
[Franco and Sean put a chair through Jerry's back door window]
FDFuneral Director
This one is considered the Mercedes-Benz of caskets.
FDFuneral Director
Fifteen thousand.
And the cemetery fees, the cost of embalming, and the wake and all of that...
FDFuneral Director
I'd have to sit down in front of the computer.
FDFuneral Director
About forty thousand dollars.
Jesus, it'd be cheaper to buy a used Mercedes and put him in the trunk and drive him off of a goddamn bridge. Tommy, what do you think?
RRoseMary
Listen, it's all about sex and laughing, right? We can all die tomorrow, happy is the key. You gotta be happy.
RRoseMary
You know where I first heard that speech?
RRoseMary
From you. After all that they put me through, mom and dad, you know how that made me feel. You gave me that speech, you opened up my eyes, you opened up my ears, Tommy. You made it seem so clear cut. [hugs him] Thank you.
H.Q. I told them that we don't have a Chief, and they said that they sent somebody.
It must've been Izzy, right?
No, it's not Izzy, he's got his own crew to deal with. Same with Needles. They tell me this guy... (looks at his paper) Tell me, how do you pronounce this? P-E-C-H-E-R.
You've gotta be kiddin' me. It's gold.
This is like shootin' fish is a goddamn barrel. You've got so many options here.
Yeah, if he's an asshole, you've got peck-a-wood, peck-a-head.
Yeah, and if he's good lookin', Gregory Pecker.
And if he's black... you've got Black 'n Pecker.
[looking at a 9/11 Memorial] It's hard to believe it's been five years, man.
Yeah I saw a thing about this in the Times, the picture didn't do it justice.
You realize the only reason this is here, is because firefighters and regular people, wanted to honor the guys we lost. There were no politicians involved.
No. The Chief of the Department, did I tell ya, when they did the unveiling... his speech, he said "All we got was empty promises from empty suits."
You know I feel for those families over there. Waiting for a memorial for their loved ones, we already got ours.
You know, the guys from this house, they lost a lot of brothers that day... they wrote on the back of this thing, they put personal prayers, put personal notes, and remembrances, of all the brothers they lost that day... and then they sealed it up so that nobody will ever be able to read what they wrote.
That's the way it should be, it stays between brothers.
Each other is all we got, right.
[coming up with a plan about the baby] Alright, so you know what we do, we pretend that we're together, and when the baby's born I'll help you raise it, and if it's a boy, grand slam because that solves my dad's problem with the male heir thing...
Okay, and what if the baby looks like Johnny? [Tommy scoffs] What?
Like that's a possibility.
Both of Angie's kids look just like Angie, okay? Nothing like Johnny, okay? My sperm versus Johnny's sperm, are you kiddin' me?
My sperm are like... they have ant strength, they can lift other sperm outta the way, okay?
Wait, um, what's sperm? [Tommy looks to Janet who throws her hands up in the air at him]
It's -- It's, uh food. It's like uh, Spam, except it has more... protein and it's hard to find in the store. Now get outta here.
Well, I thought it was the stuff that came out of a man's penis during intercourse.
You know? What do you mean 'you know'?
And it's good pot, not the cheap shit we used to get.
Great, great. That's a great attitdude. You know, I told you years ago, that pot is a gateway drug--- So she comes home tonight, not only is she high, she's drunk. Drunk. Yeah, shitfaced. Puked. Yeah.
No, I think her 50 year old boyfriend was handling the driving responsiblities.
He's 26. And that's good, that's good.
Because he doesn't drink.
Okay. I'm pretty sure she's bangin' this guy.
I know. She's on the pill.
You put her on the pill? In-insane. Just totally-- ... You-- you got the whole toolbox goin' here, booze, penises, ... I-- I can't believe that I'm finally the moral compass in this family.
Okay, Colleen, sex with the boyfriend, in the car in front of the house. How about that, huh? The neighbors could've seen--
Honey, she's a kid, she just turned 18... you know...
You got me pregnant when I was 17.
In your truck, while we were drinking, and on pot.
You're throwing away the porn?
Okay, look, Maggie, a lotta wives-- they would be thrilled if their husbands were throwing away their porn they would see it as a mature and committed act, and -- and I thnk that you should see this as a real positive thing.
You know, that's all fine and good, Sean, only it's my porn.
Yeah, but you don't need it anymore 'cause 'ya got me.
[laughs] Put the box down.
C'mon, Maggie I just wanna be married for two seconds without--
No, now! You see this box? This box is your friend, it might even be your best friend because it is the only thing breathing life into our relationship right now.
Maggie, we've been married nine months. What are you talkin' about breathin' life into the relationship?
Everyone needs breath, everyone needs a spark, Sean!
Okay, and the spark is watching some girl get double teamed by guys with cocks the size of telephone poles?
No, I don't understand. I don't understand, Maggie, and I don't think you understand that I might have a problem with this. You know, that this might make me feel... inferior.
Oh, but Sean you have nothing to feel inferior about.
Well.... except for the fact that your cock isn't as big as a telephone pole. But, that's--
That's okay, I'm going to work. You go look at your porn.
Sean--- Sean, you don't want your cock that big. Your life would be terrible, you would not be able to buy pants.
