Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
So you want me to lie?
Yeah, through your goddamn teeth I want you to lie.
Well, I can't do that.
You-- You can't [starts laughing]
What's so funny?
You can't lie?
Look, I can lie to my wife, my kids, the guys at work, the guys at headquarters, cops, yeah I can do that kinda lyin'. That's like triple-A ball, you know? But these are lawyers, this is major league pitching here to these guys, I'm good but I'm not that good.
Hey guys, can I ask you somethin'?
Oh, here we go.
What? What do you mean 'here we go'?
Well, everytime you say 'Hey guys, can I ask you somethin', we're either gonna end up in some ridiculous, dead end incrediably moronic conversation or you're gonna say somethin' so stupid that we're gonna spend the night unable to sleep because we're gonna end up thinking back to what you said and laughing our tired asses off. Not like it's gonna stop you. (hands out plates of food) My grandma's lemon chicken, you dumb Irish minks, so eat slow. Proceed, Sean.
Wow. Okay, you know how uh, porn has come out on DVD so it's like really cheap and available? And you go onto the internet and it's right there and kinda pop-upable in your face. ... Well, here's-- here's my question: Do you guys, do you still use the you know, the good 'ol spank bank?
Finally. A perfect fit for some fine dinner conversation.
Well, at this stage of the game my wife's got a bigger bank than I do.
I'm eating.
Let me think though, Scarlett Johannson. Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer Garner. Uh, Barbra Hersh, this chick I went to high school with, uh... Brittney Klein, another chick I went to high school with. Karen Palonowski, whoo she was on the swim team. Janet... Uh lemme see...
Janet who?
What?
Janet who?
Janet... Janet... Janakowski. She was uh, on the debate team, she was uh... she was so hot, she could really debate.
Shit. Gimme the knives. [grabs all the knives from the table]
What's happening? I don't understand. Shit where was I...?
I think you were talking about my wife.
No, no, god no, I was not talking about... your wife?
Yes, yes, you were. You're jerkin' off to my wife.
No. Oh my God, I don't know where you got that from, I did not say that! I would never...
Yes, yes you did. That's what you said. Yes you did. You did, you did!
Okay, I did. But let me explain. It was the picnic a few years ago, okay? You remember she showed up with the white blouse on and it was kind of see though and we had a water balloon fight, I mean come on!
FDNY ain't like it used to be, man. It's all bean counters and brown nosers now. Guys like me, a dyin' breed.
Oh, yeah, with the drinkin' and the druggin' and the mistresses, and the lyin and the cheatin'. World ain't what it used to be, huh, Tom? Hey, we gotta go. Teddy's case just came in.
Is that good or bad?
If I had to bet right now on your case or Teddy's I'd have to call it even.
Why's that?
Because they both hinge on the same thing.
Which is?
Dead dicks.
I wanna know what really happened that night, okay? All of it.
You know the truth, Tommy. You're an uncontrollable alcohol with a heavy case of survivor's guilt. Couple of big swigs, the guilt goes right out the window, and you're rippin' off my panties and wippin' out your dick. I saw somethin' about it on Oprah, the grieving process. That's how men deal with death. They wanna have a lot of sex, they think it kills off all the emotions inside.
Oprah said that?
She did.
[after Sheila sprays him with perfume] Wh-what are you doing?
You had a little baby stink on you. Anyway, it's Curious by Britney Spears, it's fancy.
Well, the mystery's over, she's a whore.
[Colleen comes out of her boyfriend's bedroom with just her underwear on]
Oh, my God! [to Lou, Franco and Sean] Blinders, blinders, blinders! Let me tell you something, this better not--
It's not goin' in the spank bank.
It better not.
I promise.
I told your mother I was bringing you home, let's go.
No, I can't live with your shit anymore. There's no screaming or fighting or drinking here-- Okay, there's a little bit of drinking, but-- but I never wake up to find my father passed out on the couch. You don't own me anymore, I'm legal and I'm staying here with someone who loves me and treats me with respect. Eat shit and die, Dad. Go to hell.
I mean apologies don't mean shit to a teenage girl. You gotta take a beating if you wanna win her back.
What do you mean, like take a beating, take a beating?
Take a beating, take a beating. You're gonna have to go over there, mix it up with him, but this time, you don't hit first. You gotta get him so pissed at you that he really, really just wants to kill you, you know, so just be yourself. And then you take the beating like the little bitch that you are. Daddy's little girl kneels by your side, tears, all of a sudden, he's the shit heel, you're the victim, get a little of that sympathy goin' your way.
Eh, I don't know if I can do that, Lou.
Yeah, you can. Do it for Colleen, I'll go with you, it'll be fun.
Oh, please, the word 'sex' just makes me wanna crawl into a hole and die.
Why the nun still goin' full steam?
Gentlemen, if you ever get the chance of becoming romantically involved with a nun, brace yourself. All those years she was saving herself for the Lord, not indulging in sex, well, when that dam breaks and it breaks in a big way. Its like a tsunami, only instead of water, you get hit with sex. Exotic positions, rubbing, touching, sucking, probing--
[walks in] The tsunami speech again?
I mean, the wave just keeps coming, destroying everything in it's path. Oh, what I wouldn't give for two hours of straight sleep.
[Nona kisses Tommy] Whoa, that's fast. Uh… it's just that we haven't--- uh….
Are you wiggin' out because I carried you out of the fire? Because it's my job.
Well, it's not really your job. I mean, you're a volunteer.
And that's makin' it harder for you, isn't it?
I-I uh… I-I'll be completely honest with you. … I just think that it would be so much more special if we… just you know, waited.
Get out of my truck.
Wh--?
No, no, really. Get out of my truck.
No, no, but I'm serious.
Yeah, are you gay? You're gay.
I'm -- I'm gay my wife is right up--
Oh, whatever, princess. Just get out. I'll call 'ya, but not after 11. I wouldn't wanna upset your mom.
Oh my God, this is it. This is the end of the line.
W-W-What?
Yeah, no. I've heard about this. Tommy, you have never not gotten it up for me.
Honey... Honey, I just need to uh... what?
Tommy, I get wet, you get hard. You get hard, I get wet. That's the deal. That's been the deal for 20 something years. It may as well been our marriage vows.
Do you mind if I stay with you for a couple of days?
Why?
Well, you've been feelin' kind of bad, and y'know, you're all alone it that big house. I thought it might be kinda scary for 'ya. Thought maybe I'd come and hang out with 'ya, lift your spirits a little.
That's really cool, Sean. I forgot what a good friend you can be.
Yeah. Plus, I might be getting a divorce.
I'm just looking for a positive take on marriage, but apparently I'm out of luck, huh?
No, actually, you're not. I'm the perfect guy for you right now. I know, I know, I know. I mean, all these years I've been talking about Janet about how crazy she is and how illogical and nonsensical, and how she... never ever is gonna be satisfied with everything.
Yeah.
It turns out I was right. Yeah, but it's not just her. It's pretty much all woman. That's what I-- Yeah, but the problem is, I was approaching it the wrong way, yeah. I was thinking about you know, me and sex-- By the way, the sex thing is the key... sex really has nothing to do with marriage. Tits, ass, sex... just throw that out the window. The key stuff is... listening. You gotta be able to listen, and have long conversations that-- that you remember, um... hugging.
Hugging?
Yeah, hugging's a big one. Buying furniture. And what's the other one? Oh, spooning. Yeah.
Okay. Now, let me get this straight: You, Tommy Gavin, one of the all-time, hall of fame type, pussy hounds in the history of the FDNY, in my opinion, you are tellin' me that I should forget about ass, forget about tits, forget about sex and focus on... uh... caring and sharing and listening and... hugging, and uh...
Spooning.
Right. I mean, this what's making your marriage work?
Yep. That and the fact that my dick doesn't apparently work with any other women. [sighs] It really sucks. But, you know, if I were you, I'd pull the trigger as fast I can, pal. Get yourself hitched.
Mikey, what the hell's the matter with you? Are you okay? Mikey?
Lou, I'm a grown man and I-I don't even know how to use a dryer. She did everything for me, you know, guys. And I never even thanked her. I mean, I thanked her, like you know, I said 'thanks, mom', but they were just words. I didn't really mean it, you know, I just said it so she'd do it again. Like make my bed, or cook me breakfast, or pick out my clothes... Lou, you make one gay joke and I swear.
Mikey, I'm not gonna make a gay joke.
What, then? [Kenny hugs him, and the Mike walks off]
I can't believe you uh, didn't make one gay joke during that whole little monologue.
Well, Jesus, Tom. The kid just lost his mother, you know? Can we not give him a little bit of time.
Alright, so, first thing tomorrow morning...
Oh, yeah. We attack him at dawn.
Alright. How many gay jokes do you think you have?
Oh, I got a dozen right in the back of my mind.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
