Come on, this game is nuts now.
Now you know why Puerto Ricans don't play hockey.
Why's that?
Well, we'd all be carryin' knives it'd be a blood bath.
Not to mention all the hubcaps that would be stolen off of the Zamboni.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
I uh…the thing is-- see my family, they raised me right... I think. I wanted to do this respectfully and so uh…that's why I'm here Mr. Gavin. To ask you most sincerely and most... some other word for um... your daughter, Maggie's hand in marriage.
Are you retarded?
[Over at the table, Maggie and Lou are listening]
[whispers] I can't believe Tommy's missing this.
[whispers] I'm taking notes.
I mean, I had some reading comprehension problems in school and I had to take the SAT's like 11 times and I still didn't pass---
What's the point of asking me for her hand in marriage when you've already asked her for it?
That's a good point. That's a good point, Dad. Is it too early for me to call you that?
I don't know, is it too early for me to call you asshole? [at the table Lou laughs and writes that down for the notes] You do realize that she is a blood-sucking, hell bitch.
What?!
This is a private conversation.
You see these shoes? These are gonna go right up your ass old man.
[to Sean] You see how she talks to me? And I'm her father. Imagine what she'll say to you.
I don't have to imagine.
Now, you seem like a pretty nice kid, a little slow but nice. You see that door right over there? Use it and never look back.
That's it. You're not invited to the wedding. No invitation for you.
Yeah, well what about the wedding after this one? Am I banned from that one too?
I'm here because um...y'know, I didn't want you findin' out from somebody else. Janet's pregnant. It wasn't planned, y'know, it just happened. It is what it is and we're happy. Obviously we don't know what the sex of the child is yet, but look on the upside, Tommy, if--if it's a boy, then dad can stop with that whole male heir bullshit thing that he keeps talkin' about. Okay, Tommy?
You--You're askin' me if it's okay?
Yeah.
[pause and stares at him] Congratulations.
For your information Chris was just here. He told me everything.
Chris was just here?
That's right, I mean we're such good friends, I mean when were you gonna tell me about it?
Never.
Asshole.
I was confused.
Alright, well, now I'm confused too. Why didn't you just talk to me, maybe I'd have gone the same way.
Get outta here.
Yeah, bro. I like to keep it fresh. I like to try new things. Try new positions, switch hit. How could you go behind our backs and do this?
Sean you gotta know the truth. It-- it was just Chris.
Oh, don't pin this on him.
But it was him. He gave me like a half a dozen blow jobs, and it was always him goin' down on me. I never kissed him or slept with him, it was just the blow jobs I swear.
[Sean looks shocked and backs away]
Okay, what're we talkin' about here?
What Chris told you.
All Chris told me was about this transfer order-- Holy shit!
Sean, please just don't tell anybody.
[Lou walks in]
Mike's gay!
Oh, hell I knew that.
Chris talked to you too?
Who's Chris?
Chris is his lover man-- guy.
I can explain, Lou. Just please don't let anybody else know.
[Franco walks in]
Know what?
Mike's gay.
Yeah tell me something I don't know. [looks up from his book] Oh, you mean gay, gay.
Every morning I'd pass by the construction guys out there on my way to work and there was this one guy-- Chris and I noticed him a couple of times. And one day, when I was passin' by, he sorta like smiled at me.
Okay, I think I'm gonna puke.
Well, it freaked me out too. Every morning he'd gimme this like smile. And one day when I stepped out and he wasn't there--
Did you check the end of your cock? [everyone laughs]
Lou, let him talk. Go ahead, kid.
And he was gone and I sorta liked missed him.
Alright, my balls just went up behind my lungs.
I don't know how to describe the way I was feeling. Y'know, he was a nice guy... and-- and, we started talkin' and I guess I was like lonely or something and I moved into his place and it was great at first... then it got weird.
And then it got weird, because I was wonderin' when that was gonna kick in.
And he was into me that way, and that's when the blow jobs started... and it freaked me out at first. Yeah, and I knew it wasn't right for me--- he's gone, I'm not with him. I-I-I left, it's over, and that's the whole story.
Bullshit, Mikey. What about the transfer?
I filled the form out but I never turned it in, did I?
Oh, cut the shit, Mike, you already got your new house all picked out.
How do you know that?
Because he's playin' for their softball team.
What?
Yeah, your boyfriend Chris, he told me that you were battin' for the other team. edit »
I don't want him showerin' with us that's for sure. It's nothing personal, Mike. I just don't need you starin' at my hang down like it's an a la carte special at the Chez Homo.
Yeah, and I don't wanna know about your new boyfriends, or your new clothes, or nights out at the disco, or Liza Minnelli, or ass toys. It's off limits from now on.
I'm not gay. I didn't do anything sexual to him. I'm totally into chicks, and I'm seein' this girl over the past coupla weeks--
Yeah. A girl named Dave.
Y'know, if this is how it's gonna be, if I can't make a little mistake in my personal life then maybe I should transfer.
Hey, hey, kid come here. Guys, better or worse, I think we all consider ourselves a family here, correct? Now whether, Mike's a fag. Sorry, Mike. Or not he's, he's part of that family, correct? I think y'know, as a firefighter he's been startin' to pull his own weight. Y'know and maybe he acts a little faggy from time to time. Sorry, Mike. But y'know, in the shit he's been learnin', he's been performin', y'know Johnny Stack would not be alive today if it wasn't for Mikey. Now, as far as it goes in the house, I trust the kid, y'know, I feel like if I'm stuck somewhere on the job, I feel like he's got me, y'know, he's got me-- covered. Come here kid. [they hug] I got no problem with this.
[whispers] Ten bucks says Mikey's hard.
I heard that.
BBartender
For a glass that's gonna cost you about a c-note, you're certainly drinkin' it pretty fast there, pal.
Well, you would to if you only had about two dollars and seventy-five cents if your pocket.
[showing his scars to people at a bar, proving he's FDNY, while drinking expensive whiskey he can't pay for] See, that? See, that, huh? I got that 12 stories up in a raging inferno up in Harlem. In an apartment, lookin' around I lost my halgen, couldn't find it. But I did find someone's grandmother. I had to hand her out in a bucket to save her, had to punch my way through a window. She died about an hour later. See that one? Take a look at that one. That was a drunken asshole up in the Bronx he fell asleep smoking in bed, well, he started the fire. He was trying to crawl out, I brought him down, I was trading my mask off with him coming down the stairs, the stairs give way and I fall through a half of story on to these metal spikes. He lived, but four kids and their mom died. I knew, 60 guys, who died on 9-11. And you know what the funny part is? I betcha 'ya, all the people in this bar, you could name five finalist from American Idol but they can't name one, one name of the 343 men who gave their lives from the FDNY on 9-11, huh. Anybody got a name? One name, huh? Anybody got a name of a dead fireman, huh? No, nobody, didn't think so. I don't have any money because my wallet and my badge were inside my new truck which got stolen this morning. My wife's pregnant, she's gonna have a baby. But we don't know who's it is because she's having sex with me and my brother. My uncle's in the joint because last year he shot my---this drunk driver that killed my only son and I just saw my son on a crosstown bus right in front of this place like three minutes ago. [Bartender gives Tommy the whole bottle of the expensive Irish whiskey]
He's retarded.
Like Rain Man retarded or Paris Hilton retarded?
Well, he can function, like Paris, he can go to the bathroom on his own which I assume Paris can do. He's pretty good with numbers, I'm not sayin' that the guy can count toothpicks off of the floor or anything and you know, he eats things.
Hey, hey now there's nothing retarded about that.
No, I'm not talkin' bout food things, Lou. I'm talking about actual things shit that's layin' around the room. Checkers, paper clips, erasers, pen caps, the guys small intestine must have a silver lining.
Well, you know how they talk about retards having like what's it called retard strength?
What're you lookin' at me for?
Well, maybe that's what Richard the retard has except all of his power is concentrated in his digestive track.
The thing is that I really wanna make a good impression with Nat, so I figured I take the guy to a ballgame.
Yeah, hey that's a good idea. A nice chance to bond.
Yeah, that should work out real nice, you know, assuming he doesn't eat the tickets before you get to the gate.
So, what're you? You a Muslim?
TDTaxi Driver
Yeah.
So what, you believe that you die and you go to heaven and you get what? Seventy...seven virgins?
TDTaxi Driver
Seventy-two.
Seventy-two, right. I mean...what's the point of that? If you think about it...I mean, virgins? When you go to heaven, I mean wouldn't you rather have whores?
TDTaxi Driver
You think that there are whores in heaven? There are no whores in heaven.
I mean, I would prefer that if I went to heaven I would get seventy-seven---
TDTaxi Driver
Seventy-two.
Okay. Seventy-two...whores. Chicks that know something, chicks that know how to blow 'ya---chicks that know tricks.
TDTaxi Driver
Lemme ask you somethin'--
What? What?
TDTaxi Driver
What are you...religion wise.
I'm nothing. I'm a lapsed Catholic.
TDTaxi Driver
Well, my friend, you're going to hell, okay?
I'd rather go to hell with seventy-seven---
TDTaxi Driver
Seventy-two. Seventy-two!
Okay, two-thousand whores! Three thousand whores and Babe Ruth and John Lennon and Elvis Presley, take me to hell. Jesus.
Why didn't you listen to me?
When?
Six years ago when I asked you to spend more time with the kids, to spend more time at home, to spend more time with me. All you had to do was to listen to me! All that was required was that you hear the words!
I heard the words, okay. I quit drinking, I quit my third job, I was home every Saturday.
No, you were always playing softball every Saturday during the summer. All winter you played hockey, all spring, all fall, and the only reason that you quit drinking was because Lou said to you that the chief said something to him---
That wasn't the only reason.
--- not because of me! Not because of the kids! Goddammit, Tommy! [she grabs his coat and shakes him and starts hitting him] All you had to do was listen!
[pinning her against the wall] Goddammit, stop! Are you gonna tell me that simply because I didn't listen well enough that you have ruined my life so far beyond what I could ever imagine? And that's why, because I didn't listen hard enough, and that's why, you're sucking my brother's cock?
Goddammit, Tommy, he was there when I needed someone I was scared shitless -- I just buried my only son.
So did I.
And what did you need, Tommy?
Ah, Goddammit! What did I need--
You know, I needed you! The old you. I needed someone to hold me in my bed at night when I cried. I needed someone to help me after I was done helping the girls wipe away their tears. But, the old you? He was gone. He's buried, with all of your lost brothers and you know what? You can tell all of your lost brothers to go to hell because we're here, and they're not.
Tell me that she is not a nun. Tell me that, she was wearing a nun costume like her French maid costume was at the dry cleaners or somethin', right?
[sighs] Okay. Your confusion is expected as was this conversation. What the mind sees is sometimes not which is real but the reality that is brought to it.
Really?
I'm brushing up on Buddhism. The Buddhist approach to things. Ask yourself this Tommy: If a tree falls in the forest... [Lou opens up a book. Tommy takes Lou's book and throws it out the window] ...and there's no one there to see it or hear it, would you still be such an asshole? Actually, you might've done me a favor there by discarding one of my possessions. That's part of the path to enlightenment.
Okay, my foot is about to take the enlightened path up your ass. Is she a nun or is she not a nun?
She's a semi-nun.
She's a semi-nun, what does that mean? She's in the Nun National Guard, huh? What, She's the bride of Christ one weekend a month? What the hell's that mean?!
Why don't you sit down and calm yourself and I'll make us some green tea. And we will talk.
I'm not sitting with you and doing anything, okay? You have crossed a boundary my friend.
You have boundaries?
I have one boundary Lou. One boundary and one boundary only, and that is no sex with nuns in the place where I live.
She's a nun until the end of the month, okay? She's leaving the order, they know all about it. She's trying to spend a few days, every week, out of the convent trying to adjust.
Trying to adjust what, her vagina?
She's living under their roof for a couple more weeks, she has to abide by their rules...This could be really big for me Tommy.
Oh, I'm sure--sure it is. A nun, what's bigger than a nun? A saint?
You know, I've got a chance here. She's only been with two guys, one was some clown back in high school and the other was, you know, Jesus.
Yeah, Jesus, our lord and savior who died for our sins, that Jesus, right?
Yeah but word on the street is that I was created in his image, you know. There are those people that say, that I too move in mysterious ways.
Uh huh. And technically she’s still married to him so that means she’s cheating on the son of God with you!
I got 100 pounds on the guy, and look no holes in my hands. Bring it on Jesus!
Okay, you just crossed the second boundary, I--I need to lay down. [clutching his chest] What is that smell? It is either the kitchen or I think you might have actually burned a hole in my soul...oh yeah that is it, uh, oh yeah...right through the middle of the soul.
I'm getting the feeling we're not on the same page here about this wedding.
No, I'm getting the feeling we're not in the same book.
Okay, well, I'll do it how ever you want, but what's important to me is that we're standing there taking our vows in the eyes of God, alright?
Where in the eyes of God?
Where do you think, Maggie? In a church, alright? In his house.
Can't God come to our house?
Maggie, please, can't you do this for me and my folks?
I'm no good in churches, Sean. They creep me out. All those statues looking down on me, judging, knowing all the dirty, promiscuous, unprotected sex I've had.
[in a church] I’m having a nicotine kick, I walk into any holy building and my body chemistry goes completely ape shit.
Don’t swear in here.
Ape shit is not a swear word. It’s a zoological term.
...
Can I smoke in here?
Maggie!
What? He walks around burning incense all day, what’s a little more smoke gonna do, right Sean? Right, Danny? [Maggie lights the cigarette]
PPriest
Uh-uh, there’s no smoking in here. [he hands her a tray and she puts the cigarette on it]
[to Sean] He’s probably gonna smoke that when we leave.
Okay, could you cut it out, please? Jesus. [to Priest] Ooh, sorry.
PPriest
The two of you haven’t come here on a dare, have you?
No, no, seriously father, please…ignore my fiancée she’s having some issues with the church and you know, we’re working them out…in counseling. Uh, yes, marriage, Catholic issue counseling. It’s really very helpful.
PPriest
I see. And where are you receiving this counseling?
Uh, Murphy’s Pub on 48th.
PPriest
Okay, I think we’re done here. Should, you uh, find a church that’s willing to marry you, I wanna wish you both the best of luck.
How dare you walk out on us you sanctimonious tool. You have no idea how important this is to him.
PPriest
I assisted during an exorcism in a small village outside Nairobi in 1977, or did we meet somewhere else?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.