Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Who're you? I'm coming in here to watch Postman Pat.
[the band leader] This is the band Radical Posture, and my name is Alexei Yuri Gagarin Siege of Stalingrad Glorious Five-Year Plan Sputnik Pravda Moscow Dynamo Back Four Balowski. Me Dad was a bit of a Communist, know what I mean?
You know you're the spitting image of our landlord, Jerzei?
Yeah, he's my uncle, actually, you know.
It's incredible! You're as like as two peas.
I'm not sharing a bedroom with THAT rubber Johnny! All right Neil, shut up. Before you say anything I just tossed a coin for who gets the bed and you lost. It's completely fair and if you don't believe me, ask Mike.
[despondently] Oh, uh. Ok Rick. [Audience awws]
What?
What?
What did you just say?
Huh?
You just called me a bastard didn't you!
Oh, and Neil? I want that ₤1.50 by Friday or else another moose dies.
[to audience] By the way, it was a complete lie about the oil.
What are you doing, Vyvyan?
I'm entering a contest to win a Ford Tippex. You have to say what Cornflakes mean to you in 10 words. So I said: Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes, Cornflakes. Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes.
Pathetic! You'll never win, Vyvyan.
Why not?
It's only nine words.
[writing] Corn...flakes!
[to Suggs of Madness, the live band playing at the pub] Do any of you lot know Summer Holiday by Cliff Richard?
You 'um it, I'll smash your face in.
[taken aback] I'll go sit over there...
Bloody hell. No room for me on the sofa as usual. I'll have to sit on the rickety chair. (Going over to the TV) Oh goody goody gumdrops. Just in time to watch "Oh Crikey" on ITV!
Oh, Rick! We were watching "Bastard Squad"!
Well aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?
Oh yeah. Uh, this is a friend of mine called Mike... uh... this is a friend of mine called Neil...
Hello.
And that's a complete bastard I know called Rick.
[laughing] He's just joshing, Mrs. Vyvyan, we're actually terrific friends.
Ooh. He is a bastard, isn't he?
Tell me, Mrs Vyvyan, why did you give him a girl's name?
[Vyvyan pushes Rick off his chair, knocking him onto the floor. Vyvyan's Mum steps over to Rick and kicks him.]
Now dear, why don't you come over here and tell me what you've been doing for the past 10 years?
Ok, Mum.
Not you. Zitface! [Picks Mike up from his seat] Him.
Neil, wanna see my new trick? [Neil meditates] Mike, do you want to see my new trick?
No, I'm busy with the paper.
Rick?
No, I don't Vyvyan, I've got something more important to think about too. [Neil meditates]
Look! Watch my trick you bastards or I'll kill you! [Slices off a finger on his hand] Brilliant, hey!... Oh, dear... Wrong finger... Aaugh, ah, ah, ah, aaaugh!
Hey, Vyvyan. Vyvyan! I think you cut off one of your fingers!
Let's do something, we're bored stupid!
Ha! Ha! Rick didn't have far to go, did he?
I just knew you were gonna say that!
That's a complete lie, you poof!
I knew you were gonna say that too!
[Vyvyan smashes Rick over the head with a bottle.]
You didn't know I was gonna do that, did you?!
(awkwardly) Alright, Vyvyan, no I didn't know that. [Vyvyan laughs.]
Vyvyan, have you ever heard of cloning?
(pause) No.
Oh, good. Would you swear to that?
Certainly. If that's what you want. Big jobs!
It's a laugh, though, innit?
What?
That noise you make in the back of your throat when you hear a joke.
Yeah. Yeah, that's a laugh.
Who's been gobbing in my lentils?
Yes! Who's been gobbing in our lentils?
Let's go to McDonald's.
Yes!
Hey! Wouldn't it be a-mazing if all this money was real?
That is the single most predictable... and BORING thing that anybody, could ever say whilst playing Monopoly.
What about 'Vyvyan'? I can say 'Vyvyan' can't I? That's boring.
You have won second prize in a beauty contest... [Rick Laughs] smash Rick over the head with the bank!
[Vyvyan does just that.]
It did not say that! Michael, Vyvyan is cheating!
Mike?
No, he's right, Rick. That's exactly what it says.
In biro, Mike! In biro over the top of the print!
But we had to change the rules because Monopoly's so boring!
Congratulations, it is your birthday, you may set fire to Rick's Bed.
Good one!
Get out of jail free: you may keep this card, sell it or stick it up Rick's bottom! Vyvyan, you've ruined the game!
I WAS BORED!
It gets worse! Neil's gone down to the garden to kill himself... and it's his go.
Pollution, all around. Sometimes up, sometimes down. But always around. Pollution are you coming to my town? Or am I coming to yours? Ha! We're on different buses, pollution, but we're both using petrol... bombs.
[While in the bathroom, Rick shouts through the wall to Vyvyan who is still in bed in his room.]
Vyvyan! Have you been using my roll-on deodorant? There's a revolting hair on it and it's not one of mine!
How d'you know?
Because I know what mine looks like, Vyvyan! I can see them now! [raises arm and points to armpit.]
Not the ones on your bum you can't. Could be off your bum.
Oh, and I suppose you think being rude first thing in the morning is a terribly trendy thing to do, do you, Vyvyan? Well, it's not!
Look, it's probably a hamster hair. He was getting a bit whiffy so I gave him a good going over.
And was I consulted, pally? How d'you think I feel stinking like a student's armpit?
It's stealing, Vyvyan! It's common stealing, and if you ever touch it again, EVER, I'm going to the police. I will, you know. I will go to the police!
[Vyvyan punches his fist through the wall to flip Rick a two fingered a salute.]
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