[after being dunked in a beer keg by humans] A human called me a possum. I am not a possum.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[Loopty Goopty smashes his way into I.M.P.'s office]
LGLoopty Goopty
Do not be afraid!
Please tell me you got that insurance thing.
[taking out her axe] Who are you, and what do you want?!
LLoopty
I am Loopty Goopty! Dastardly inventor of all things loopy and loopish!
Coulda just used the door, dude. Doesn't need to be this whole thing.
LLoopty
I am eccentric, and must therefore do eccentric SHIIIIT!
[sniffs him] Ugh! This old fuck reeks of the living world. Did you just die?
LLoopty
YEEEEES! Moments ago, in fact! Which is what brought me HEEEERE!
Just sayin' - the front door would've gotten you here fine.
LLoopty
Shut up, dear furry!
CCletus
Look around, Lyle. God's gift of nature is a wonder to behold, regardless of age! [winks] Or wealth!
CCollin
If you were to end your life, you'd be missing all of this!
[in a tiger costume] Mm-hm. You're gonna buy that load of shit from a baby and the sheep it fucks? [makes a suggestive gesture with his fingers]
KKeenie
[gasps] That is so inappropriate!
[in a cat costume] Oh, kiss our ass, prude! [flips her off]
VVikki
OMJ, Loona? Lunatic Loona? That you?
Uh, yeah. It's Loona, yeah.
VVikki
Wow, I can't believe you're showing up to another party. I mean, do you even remember the last one?
[becoming annoyed] I'm sure you'll remind me.
VVikki
Yeah, this...[taps on her phone and shows a picture of Loona throwing up] This you, right?
[Angrily growling, through clenched teeth] Why do you still have that?
VVikki
It brings me joy. You know, you're supposed to keep things that bring you joy. [Loona growls louder, baring her teeth] Wow, you're being very negative. Your aura is really aggressive right now.
Oh yeah? Well, maybe it's because I'm in the presence of a massive BITCH!
[Partygoers gasp; Vikki nearly faints dramatically]
VVikki
Oh...my dog. Wow.
What?! Is that not an okay thing to say? Like, c'mon, it's true!
PPartygoer
[offscreen] You can't say that.
[Loona angrily frowns]
BEBee-Elzubub
[Approaches Vortex & Loona after her song] Ow-ow! Vortex! The party is buzzing now, FUCK! I feel like I went a little too hard with the confetti this time, though. I have, like, a rainbow in my vagina right now. [Loona's jaw drops; Bee notices her for the first time] Oh, hey, is this the sweet pup you were telling me about?
Excuse me?
BBee
She's a fucking cutie! Where've you been hiding, girl? [chuckles]
Is there something funny?
BBee
Nah, I'm just high on all of this tasty energy right now! Tex says you don't get invited out much. I hope this little itty-bitty gettogether could serve as a fun first time.
[sees another party attendee slide down the stair railing and hitting his groin on the newel post before falling over; unamused] Mmhmm.
BBee
I would've thrown a bigger one, but I couldn't convince Belphagor to let me break into her stash of party drugs. SO fucking lame. I mean, I usually just steal them, but Belle changed the locks. She says I'm a total jackass for trying, but hey–I'm proud to be a total jackass. [creates a bottle of beer and chugs it down]
[Looking for Blitzo in the middle of the party] Blitz! Blitz! Where are you, shithead?! Blitz!
[Sees Blitzo making out with another guy]
OH, PISS ON A DICK!
[Loona drives her and a drunk Blitzo from the party]
...Do you need to throw up?
[Almost like a pouty child] No.
Heh, yeah, you do.
[Loona carries Blitzo into their apartment, laying him on the couch, then returning with a blanket and a glass of water]
I had a really shitty day.
Yeah? Is that why you drank, like, 5 gallons' worth of who-knows-what?
Fuck, Fizz was right: I'm gonna die alone, aren't I? Just a wrinkly, old, withered waste. [Loona gives a look of concern] Will you be there, Loonie?
Be where?
[Mumbling] I dunno, just...lonely...die alone...
[Covers Blitzo with the blanket] I'll be there...Dad. Now go the fuck to sleep, okay? [Goes to her bedroom]
[Mumbling] Millie...Moxxie...Stolas...[Lifts his head and vomits heavily on the floor] Fuck! Yeah, I did need to throw up.
[Sees Stolas is calling him while he's driving the van with a nervous Loona in the passenger seat, Millie and Moxxie in the back] Oh, shit. [Answers the phone] Stolas, it's really not a good time, buddy.
Sorry it's a bad time yet again, Blitzy, but...I seem to have found myself in a bit of a cinch. I'm tied at the back of a horse at the moment.
Pfff, lucky bitch.
Um, well, no. Rather unlucky. I seem to have been stolen by that little cowboy friend of yours.
Oh, which one?
How many cowboys do you know?! [to Stolas] What does he look like, your highness?
[Takes a long look] Hmmm, sexy?
[To Blitzo] That's Striker, sir!
Oh, for fuck's sake...
[Walking into the doctor/vet, dragging a frightened Loona by the tail] Christ on a stick, of all the days for (Stolas) to get his stupid feathered ass kidnapped; I've waited FIVE FUCKING YEARS for this appointment! FUCK ME IN MY LITTLE RED HOLE! [Sees a woman with her pet in the waiting room] Hi, the fuck you looking at?
[A mariachi band of imps have been following Striker around and singing a ballad about him]
SStriker
SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'M TRYIN' TO DO MY FUCKIN' JOB! YOU COMIN' IN HERE, SINGIN' ABOUT ME FOR THE MILLIONTH FUCKIN’ TIME?! LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, YA FREAKS!
How does one get their own theme song?
I suppose you think it's pretty weird, don't you Mike? Well, you'd be right. 'Cause THAT'S the kind of guy I am, right? WEIRD. Which is why I go over people's heads. A bit like an aeroplane! You think I'm an aeroplane, don't you, Mike? Well, I'm not.
Neil, are these lentils South African?!
Well, ummm...
You bastard! You complete and utter bastard! Why don't you just go out and become a policeman?! Become a pig?! There's no difference, you know! [burns hand on lentils] There's no difference, you know! You think there is, but there isn't! I suppose you hate gay people too! Hippie!
Neil... what are you doing, Neil? To make a meal, Neil? Huh. Surreal! From totalitarian vegetables, how much does it cost, Neil?
... well actually, it's about £4.50 each.
RMRick & Mike
£4.50?!
I'm not paying you money to eat black men! I could become a pig and do that for free!
None of you ever give the slightest consideration to a word I say!
That's because you're very boring!
OH! Oh, and I suppose you think ideas like peace and freedom and equality are boring too.
Yes, they are.
Ha! Fallen into my trap. In that case, why isn't Cliff Richard boring, clever trousers? Tell me that!
[Vyvyan stands up and hits Rick's head on the table.]
I've got a leg!
Hey Vyvyan, that's not unusual.
No look! I'm supposed to write an essay on it, but I think I'm just gonna stick it on the bonnet of my car!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.