[On Aerial fish re-stocking]
Every one of those fish has a JustGiving page.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Why isn't there actually a fish that lives in trees or on the land, cause, there's, you know, there are penguins which live in the sea and mammals that live in the sea. Why hasn't a fish had the gumption to start living like a rabbit?
I think it's lack of ambition.
Bats! Bats are mammals, they can fly...it just doesn't make sense. The fish aren't trying.
No. I think what you need to do is to start diving and give those fish a good talking to.
I wouldn't need to dive if there were fish running on [drowned out by laughter]
The mangrove killifish lives on land.
Well done!
I was in Sydney and I was listening to the radio and they said: :[Australian accent] “And now the weather: There's no weather today.”
I once had waitress in Los Angeles as I…
[suggestively] Did you, now?
And Alan's buzzer goes...
[ Alan presses his buzzer, which emits a farting sound]
Even on a show as high-brow as this, that is still funny.
How do you measure the unpleasantness of a smell?
I mean I don't know, but I once did a fart that was so bad my da- I didn't own up to it – and my dad went and got the yellow pages out and he was looking for the number of a plumber because he thought a sewage pipe had leaked.
Whose social media is little more than an odious pile of crap?
Is that a trick question? Cause isn't everyone's…
The Epicureans said that truffles smell like the tussled sheets on a brothel bed.
We have some actual truffles here [hands out plates with bits of truffles]
[surreptitiously empties his plate into his shirt pocket]
[On the fact that most of virgin olive oil is adulterated]
They should have on the extra virgin oil stuff, like, in brackets “May contain slag.”
[Sandi has been awarding scratch and sniff stickers for quite interesting answers]
I cannot wait to see the Swedish version of Sherlock where he goes: “ [sniff, sniff] It's smellementary, my dear Watson.” [To the applauding audience] Hey, come on! Yes!
Has he got any sticker? No, then I'd ask for them back.
[ Sandi has handed out an odd gadget, wanting to know what you open with it]
A safe? A suitcase? Your heart?
[Later]
And also you can measure the girth of your penis. [Hands gadget to Romesh ] You can measure the length of yours with that.
HOW DID WE GET THERE SO QUICKLY!?
[On which train the Murder on the Orient Express took place]
Well, what is the full name of the one where the murder took place, then?
We were thinking of the one where it took place! We don't have to say the name of this train. We just, all of us, demand the points!
: Is there WiFi or 3G on the Orient Express? That, for me, is generally the...
That's what they meant: There's no WiFi. It is murder on the Orient Express.
[On a list of obscure organs in animals]
LTLisa Tarbuck
Do you have a smart vagina?
Erm, it's terribly tidy. [beat] I have a woman in, twice a week. [High-fives Lisa Tarbuck]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.