[On consummation of marriage by proxy ]
I think they had to check them, medically, beforehand because they didn't want a poxy proxy.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Many supposedly monogamous birds have a tit on the side.
I've never had, in 14 years, people eating sweets in the front row.
What the hell?
And now I can't think about anything else!
[Jimmy Carr gets up, takes the bag of sweets from the audience member, hands it to Alan and returns to his seat]
You can have them back at the end of the lesson!
I feel really bad for those people. 'Cause, obviously, you're just sat there watching an episode of QI and then, suddenly, the telly gets up and nicks your sweets!
[Discussing Midlife Crises]
DBDanny Bhoy
I went to my Doctor and I said "I hate The West and want all the infidels dead." He said "Don't worry, you're going through a mid-life ISIS."
The awkward thing about midlife crises is I've had some friends that have gone through them recently. They've left their partners, gone out with much younger women and bought sports cars. And the most difficult thing is pretending to my other half! "Aw, that's terrible! Isn't it sad?"
[After being asked a question, Jimmy tries to answer, but Aisling hits her buzzer at the same time causing him to stop.]
No, keep going. Does this buzzer stop Jimmy speaking? Try again?
I was just gonna say to...
[Aisling hits her buzzer again and Jimmy stops abruptly.]
I find the buzzers really disconcerting. It does feel like somebody’s about to get murdered.
[On Stephen's 'posh' accent.] I know you think you’re doing a voice, but that is how you talk.
You're a beast.
Silver’s not a colour, no.
Oh, I love this show.
It’s midsummer in the UK. To the nearest hour, what time does day become night?
10?
[Forfeit klaxon goes off – 10PM]
I was gonna say 1.
[Forfeit klaxon goes off – 1AM]
Is it..? I’m only saying this, I’ve got no rationale at all, is it noon? Because it’s always something weird on this show. ‘Oh no, it’s actually night time in the middle of the day. You’re all idiots, you’ve been doing it wrong.’
In midsummer, there is no night in Britain.
There’s no night. There’s no night, Danny. [Runs a hand over his face.]
It’s constant twilight.
Oh, bollocks. It gets dark. [Runs both hands over his face.]
Constant Twilight sounds like a really good indie album.
It does, doesn’t it?
When is the best time to charge your mobile phone?
At night!
That’s good. Yeah. Might be.
Oh, really? I thought that would go off. ‘There is no night, you fool!’
[Alan is in a horse costume.]
Can I say, I don’t think we’re getting the best out of my costume.
Show the ladies and gentlemen.
Look, I’ve got a tail. And I’ve got feet and everything. And it’s all out of sight below the desk, Stephen.
Now, the queen has a Christmas message, as do we. In fact, as we approach the end of series 13, it’s time for us to reveal every episode of QI, every single one, since the very first, has included a secret message which nobody has spotted. Where is it hidden?
Is it on your face? Have you just encrypted some delightful laughter lines into some... perhaps it’s in Klingon. Merry Christmas.
It’s not on my face.
[In response to the www.alan0andstephenhero.com hidden in the theme tune, Alan is hiding under his horse mask when a sudden noise happens.]
What the hell was that?
JEJenny Eclair
It’s a light.
Was it a lamp?
No, he’s got a bad ankle. I’m just taking him out. I can’t afford to keep him, okay?
I absolutely shat myself.
Absolutely shat yourself, my god.
Now, who’s the worst person to sit next to at a silent movie?
[Alan burps.]
Alan Davies.
How much sleep does a paradoxical insomniac get?
TTTommy Tiernan
Paradoxical... lots?
Well, yes. He does.
More than he thinks.
Yes.
TTTommy Tiernan
It’s like a paradoxical kleptomaniac who leaves things in shops.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.