Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Doctors suggested because they thought it would make more people come forward with STDs because they would be less embarrassed to say they caught it from a lavatory seat, then that they caught it from a whore strumpet harlot.
Or parent.
Or parent. Or parent?! Don’t make me repeat things without thinking.
[on the colour magenta]
So it's a kind of can't-really-exist colour and yet it does. It's what you might call, I suppose, [chuckles] a Pigment of the Imagination.
[On Jack Whitehall's inability to drive]
Do you think you're good in bed?
No I haven't passed that test either. I failed on three majors and one minor...
Was there an emergency stop? These are the worst...
I kept changing lanes, when I shouldn't...
I’m not quite au fait with prosthetics, but I’ll give it a crack. [Adam Hills is well known for incorporating his prosthetic foot into his comedy routines.]
[The panel and Stephen Fry are building Lava lamps from water, oil and Alka-Seltzers]
This genuinely reminds me so much of school. You said "Don't put all the Alka-Seltzers in", and Alan said "We're putting them all in" and I've gone along with him and now I'm frightened.
[In the ensuing hilarity Stephen knocks over his Lava lamp, spilling the contents]
Jimmy Carr and Ronni Ancona: [Raising their hands] Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir!
Alright! Mitchell, you made me laugh! I told you before...
You're in trouble!
There's nothing funny about making people laugh. Well, maybe. This isn't how it was supposed to happen at all. [large box of tissues are put on the desk] And we all know why Alan has industrial strength tissues...
The chain Argos, they call their staff Argonauts to this day.
[Surprised] Oh, do they?
[deadpan] No.
The father of history, what was he called?
Herodotus.
Herodotus. It must have been a lot easier, when he was around. I'm not having a go at him. But less things have happened back then.
Fewer things.
Common usage, common usage.
This is so like being back at school, it's unbelievable.
Apparently you can say Lesser now...
Apparently you can just say what you like these days! Apparently you're not allowed to scream Idiot! at people. What's the point in getting an education at all? I know how to use the apostrophe. Apparently, now it doesn't matter. [rapturous applause from the audience] I want the time it took me to learn that back.
You need to be less bothered about this. Or fewer bothered. You need to be fewer bothered about this kind of thing. Just let it go: be fewer upset.
These are all good answers.
Really?
[To Carrie Fisher] Also, do you know where the rebel base is?
[Pointing at his crotch] In your pants.
[fans himself]
[on the rules for this episode]
Now, seeing as this is the "Lucky Losers" show, whoever gets the lowest score wins.
Well done Alan! You've won already, congratulations!
[on Club 18-30 Holidays]
Do you remember they had rather dodgy slogans? Do you remember any of them?
"You will get fucked."
Yeah.
[Applause from the Audience]
"Would you like to catch chlamydia?"
Both cardinally and financially. Well, it wasn't quite as on the nose as that. It was...
Herpes?
..."Beaver Espania" was one.
Oh, God!
I know. "It's not all sex, sex, sex, there's some sun and sea as well." It really puts you off.
[Later on in the conversation]
You know, there's no symptoms, when you have chlamydia. So, if someone says "how are you?" and they say, "Very well", that means, you almost certainly have it.
It's the perfect disease.
It is. So I never know how anyone goes to the Doctor's with it. It would be quite interesting.
There's no warts, no weeping?
No green discharge.
[Sandi shudders]
He has to be frank about these things.
You'll wake up completely fine, go to the Doctor's, you'll have chlamydia. It's baffling and koalas all have it.
How do you know that?!?!
Huge problem in Australia. They've all got chlamydia and they are dying.
I thought it was an add-on to an 18-30 Australian holiday. "If you don't get lucky, there's always the koalas."
Which good cause benefitted from Britain's first lottery?
Dale Winton. Dale Winton's tanning salon.
What do newsagents sell that make people suddenly want to vote Tory?
Is it going to be the Daily Mail?
[Forfeit Klaxon goes off - DAILY MAIL]
Makes me want to vote communist, actually.
Do you get one for the Daily Telegraph as well?
You probably might. Yes!
[Forfeit Klaxon goes off - DAILY TELEGRAPH]
This is a very odd thing, that newsagents sell...
What about The Sun?
[Forfeit Klaxon goes off - THE SUN]
[to Alan] You're on fire!
[On discussion of various syndromes]
Perhaps even more depressing, is that American therapists have a name for the syndrome, which "sudden wealth syndrome" [starts sniggering]. Which is presumably something they suffer from whenever they name a syndrome. They make money by deciding you have a syndrome.
That's a really boring name for it though.
You'd think so, yeah. But these are the same people who say, if you lose someone you love: they die, and you are still...
[Alan sneezes loudly]
Whoa! Wow! Wow, that was so huge.
That was so impressive.
That was enormous!
The day had to happen.
I mean, that was an explosion!
That's extraordinary!
Are you alright?
There are people now in California, looking at their seismographs, going "Jesus Christ! What was THAT?!?!"
What a thing!
Is it because I said the word 'die'? Da! Don't do it again...
So sorry for interrupting.
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