Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
What's the most depressing radio program of all time?
[Immediately] Oh, Simon Bates! By miles.
[Imitating Simon Bates, presenting Our Tune ] But surely. that's the story of people who fell in love. She did die of the cancer, but...
She battled through the cancer and here's her song: Too Drunk To Fuck
[On the most depressing radio programme ever.]
I had several correspondents who would say that Saturday Live is the most depressing radio programme.
Really? [points to screen]
[Forfeit klaxon goes off - "SATURDAY LIVE"]
What colour are the flags on the moon?
Well, do they look different? When you're there? Are there no flags? There's no moon... oh god.
[The audience starts laughing as Alan clutches his nose in despair.]
I could just hear about 100 klaxons sounding.
They go on a extraordinary shagging spree. I mean its quite ugly, but I give you the details, because they are pretty amazing: It's semelparous, meaning they only do it once, and it is about 12 hours on the job with one female, before it moves on to the next. It doesn't eat or sleep, but keeps going in a testosterone driven frenzy...
Oh never mind about him, that poor female. Twelve hours. She must be chafed.
To get the necessary energy the male's body has stripped its body of all the nutrients and suppressed the immune system, by the end of a fortnight they are physically exhausted, bald, gangrenous, ravaged by stress and infection and keel over and die. Russell Brand, take note.
How fast was the fastest mass extinction in history, in years...
The Liberal Democrats.
UKIP are like Top Gear for people who don't like cars.
Now. Alan, would you take a bullet for me?
Yes, Stephen.
Aw, thank you. Very good.
[forfeit klaxon goes off - YES]
Sorry: no I wouldn't!
Why do people fall over when they've been shot?
Because they've just been shot.
[Sandi shakes Jason's hand: forfeit flashes on screen]
Oh!
[forfeit klaxon goes off - BECAUSE THEY'VE JUST BEEN SHOT]
Christopher Hitchens rather wonderfully said: The four most overrated things in the world are: lobster, champagne, anal sex and picnics.
What wouldn't you want to get on Valentine's Day?
Chlamydia.
Perfectly reasonable response.
Is that what VD stands for?
Who would bite their arms off to get a leg over?
[presses his buzzer "Love is all around me", points at himself]
You?
[forfeit klaxon sounds - ME]
Even if we hadn't got that one ready, it would reveal what a sad act you are.
[On the short lived shop selling ice cream made from human breast milk.]
You try it once. Like incest or Country Dancing.
There is a whole generation of people, if they are channel surfing and see something in black and white, they will never stop to look at it. Which is extraordinary, given that most of the best films ever...
[incredulously] Not even Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid?
Most of the best films ever made were in black and white, it just seems so extraordinary...
Not even Broadway Danny Rose?
I know, I know...Elephant Man.
Why did you point at me when you said Elephant Man?
A lot of military figures had articles of clothing named after them. Particularly, for some reason, the Crimean War. There was Lord Cardigan, who was in charge of the Light Brigade.
Balaclava.
The Balaclava Helmet, absolutely. And...?
Jodhpur.
Jodhpur’s a place, I think.
Doctor Martin.
The Raglan Sleeve...
Lord Bobblehat.
Now, Ladies first. [smiles exaggeratedly at Kathy Lette and Sue Perkins]
You smoothie.
[seriously] Why shouldn't you have the vote?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
