Do you know how many Freudians it takes to change a light bulb? One to change the light bulb and another to hold the cock...father...ladder!
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
The great thing about Sainsburys, it keeps the scum out of Waitrose.
Do you know what that one was called, by any chance?
Dave.
One day the answer might be Dave, one day the answer might be blue whale. You know what I’m looking forward to is when we have a blue whale called Dave and you don’t get it.
Little girls grow up to be women, and little boys grow up to be big little boys.
TVTim Vine
I went to a Joke shop and said "What do you actually sell here?" and they said "Nothing, we're not a real shop."
What's the best flavour for an exploding sandwich?
TVTim Vine
Cheese and Ham-grenade.
So, simple question, who’s happy?
[There’s silence. The picture on the screen changes to an older man with a younger woman.]
He’s happy in the picture.
Yep. Old men with young ladies. Oh, old ladies with young men. Why not? Not me.
What about when you fall asleep and you wake up and you've had half your eyebrow shaved off?
Then you have bad friends.
I do have hideous friends. Yeah, because that's the other thing that can happen. It's alright. I'm over it. It's fine.
Your eyebrows shaved off?
Yeah, you know. Obviously no-one’s had this happen. Yeah, you fall asleep and someone goes 'ooh, this'll be even funnier.' put your hand in a bowl of thing and then voom, voom, you wake up and you look hideous.
That's just vile!
[Shrugs.] I'm Australian.
[The panel has been asked to invent Limericks]
I carouse in a style bacchanalian
But I sleep in a way marsup-alian
I like to eat cheese
But I never say please
Yes, I’m French, but I’m also Australian.
There once was a show on TV
That was always the smart place to be
I’m fully aware
You’d rather be there
But instead you’re stuck here with me
It's easy to win on QI
You don't need an IQ that's high
Try not to be haughty
Just be a bit naughty
And make sure you please Stephen Fry.
Appearing one night on QI
I made up three facts on the fly
The first was untrue
The second was too
And the third was about the size of my cock and it was no exaggeration
[Talking about dead bodies.]
I went to the body farm in Tennessee where I suddenly saw 200 never having seen a single one.
Sorry, the body farm?
It’s called the body farm.
Wow, we have the Body Shop, that’s not quite the same thing, is it?
This programme would be an excellent house of reform. We let all the legislation come before us, we'll fiddle with, hopefully gag it up a bit, send it on to the Queen.
What is this noise, listen up carefully?
[a klaxon goes off]
Beginning with "K"...
A klaxon.
[forfeit klaxon goes off - A KLAXON]
[pointing at Jack] Ha, ha!
Yes, in a strange sort of way pop just et itself, didn't it?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.