[Discussing Giant Panda's conversion from carnivore to herbivore] What happened that the pandas gave up on meat?
Evolution and their circumstances, their environs.
Well, it's not working very well for them, evolution.
Are you going to get logically cross with them?
... idiotic. There's like 25 minutes a year when they can have sex and it'll work, if they can be bothered, which they never can. They look Ridiculous ! [The rest of the panel object] I'm not saying they're not sweet, but they're not dignified, are they? [...] If you want to make Bungle from Rainbow seem high-status, bring on a panda.
What colour is a red kite?
[The klaxon goes off - RED.]]
The thing is, they were named before we had a word for Orange. We just used Red for anything that was Orange as well. We had the word orange for a fruit, but didn't use it for the colour until the 16th Century.
We always think it was the colour that named the fruit, but it was the fruit that named the colour.
In those days, people would say "What's the name of that red fruit? Oh, the orange"
It could have been, not the orange that made it catch on, but the front of a robin. We could all have front-of-a-robin brand mobile phones. Where you go "What colour is it?" "Oh, it's front-of-a-robin".
"I'm just eating an orange. It's such a bright shade of front-of-a-robin".
Now, in case anybody is wondering, because he hasn't done that much television in Britain, we found Colin in Australia. Colin, in 1994, you won the Perrier award, didn't you? For comedy, at the Edinburgh Fringe?
An incredibly distinguished award to win, as [clears throat] I know.
You haven't won the Perrier award, Stephen?
My group was the first to win it ever.
As it happens, yeah. But, I wonder: who did you beat in 1994? Who came second?
Uh, there were a few other nominees.
[Alan exhales]
Uh, I think the main competition came from a little fellow...
[Alan yawns]
His name was Alan Davies.
I went to Melbourne and I stayed at Colin's house and he put the Perrier award on the bedside table.
Can you, like when you drop your phone in the loo you’re supposed to put it in a tub of rice to get the moisture out.
Can you do that with cat litter?
There’s an episode of Elementary which is based on that very fact.
There’s an episode of Jonathan Creek where I weed in some cat litter. Not I, the character Jonathan.
Let’s work backwards as to how that could possibly be a plot line, that you peed...
I just got trapped in a cellar for ages, and I needed a wee.
Oh, I see. Well that’s fair enough.
What comes flat-packed and takes 4 months to assemble?
[Forfeit klaxon goes off: ANYTHING FROM IKEA]
We thought of that, I'm afraid. Sorry: [Australian Accent] sorry, Lano.
[later in the conversation]
Where is the world's largest branch of IKEA?
Yes. Which city? You'll be annoyed.
Yes, Sydney. As Melbourner, you'll be properly annoyed...
[between gritted teeth] Great city. Lovely people.
...he said between clenched teeth.
I did some gigs there and I played the Opera House. And I was in the Opera House, doing some press. And I looked out of the window thinking, "Where's the Opera House?" Actually scanning the horizon. "Where's the Opera House gone? You're in it, you idiot!"
You should have gone [looks up] "Whoa!"
[on discussion of the biggest things in Australia being classed as "The Biggest in the Southern Hemisphere"]
The best one ever is in: have you been to Narrandera? Where they've got the southern hemisphere's 2nd largest playable guitar. They've gone:
"We've got the world's biggest guitar. "
"No, it's not."
"Playable guitar? "
"Southern Hemisphere's?"
"They've what? "
"The Southern Hemisphere's 2nd largest playable guitar."
And you can see the signs being crossed out.
The second largest fish in the world is...?
[On the Korean phrase "When will I eat your noodles?" meaning "When are we getting married?"]
[To Alan] But you're already married, so I'm not going to eat your noodles. And you didn't invite me to your wedding.
I did invite you. You didn't come.
[facepalms in embarrassment]
Yeah, you know what you were doing? You were filming an episode of Bones.
I’ve never been so insulted in my life.
I’m so sorry. How embarrassing. I’m so sorry.
[On the Korean phrase "He worked like he was attending the grave of his wife's uncle" meaning "They didn't put much effort into the job"]
KR Katherine Ryan
So, like "shagging the dog"?
Not really. Not really, Katherine. Is there something you want to share with us? "Like shagging the dog?"
KR Katherine Ryan
Yeah, if you don't work very hard, you're just shagging the dog.
NOT IN THIS COUNTRY, MADAM! IN THIS COUNTRY WHEN WE SHAG A DOG WE KNOW WHAT WE ARE DOING! And it is pretty hard work, let me tell you...
Not as easy as it looks, let me tell you that.
So, in Canada, you have the phrase "shagging the dog"?
KR Katherine Ryan
Yeah, or "shagging the sheep" if you want.
Again, perfectly common practice over here, but not considered a light or unburdensome task.
KR Katherine Ryan
It just means, like, having an easy day.
There's a lot I have to learn about Canada...
[Stephen is about to launch one of his knick-knacks]
There's just too many double entendres. You pumping custard?
Stop it. Are you ready for me to pump the custard?
Yes, I'm ready to pump your custard. [puts his head on the desk]
This is not how I wanted to go.
[shouting] It's quite warm there actually. I could feel the heat right there. If had been sitting there, I could have been: [normal voice] I could have been ignited.
You could have been covered in hot custard.
I told you, before you did this experiment...
Thorns are modified branches or stems. Prickles are part of the skin, which is what those are, they come out from the skin.
So when Bon Jovi sang "Every rose has a thorn..."
...he made an absolute fool of himself. That would be great wouldn't it, if you went to a Bon Jovi gig. "Every rose has a ..." Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! [imitates forfeit klaxon]
Biggest knitted object? Well, I’ve had my doubts about Venus for a long time...
Is there a word for prostitute that begins with a silent k?
[On posteriors]
If you had a colonoscopy, you know, 24 hours before you would have to take these unbelievably powerful, er...
[The audience and Stephen start laughing as Bill starts slouching in his chair and talking in a Texas accent.]
Wow, wowee, ah ha! Oh, I'm being taken by a space octopus!
[Bill's buzzer suddenly goes off without him touching it.]
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