They do seem like the most evil of birds, don’t they?
They’re often considered creatures of ill omen, aren’t they? In Shakespeare they’re often used as a symbol.
Yeah, but that’s because you’re just seeing them with Carmina Burana playing.
Do you think I should get something else on my iPod?
Tijuana Taxi by Herb Alpert. [Hums the song.] You see, that’s a nice crow. Put a sombrero on it, take the edge off it.
Yeah, but even if you had Carmina Burana and you were looking at a robin, you wouldn’t think the robin was evil, would you?
Yeah, dirty bastard robin.
Do you know the most commonly played word in Scrabble?
So what do we have to pronounce?
Now, yes that’s what I was... how did you know that I was gonna ask that as a supplementary question?
I thought you already did.
Oh, did I already say it?
Either that, or I read it off the autocue.
You read it off the autocue! You great big cheater!
Why did the Spanish Duke of Alba order 7000 pairs of ice skates?
Cos he was a millipede. Can’t see from that picture. Thousands of legs.
Any thoughts as to why he might have ordered 7000 pairs of ice skates?
He wanted to wipe it out. “I hate ice skating. I’m gonna buy all the boots, and it’ll just die out.”
We’re talking the 17th century.
[Trying to get back on track.] We’re talking the 17th century. The pope...
I’d do it for showjumping though.
I’d buy all the horses. And all those funny blocks that look like walls you’ve never seen before. Buy all those. And then showjumping would be finished forever.
So you think he was trying to wipe out ice skating as a sport?
Yes. Yeah. It’d be a good James Bond plot, wouldn’t it? Instead of trying to take over the world, I’m trying to stop showjumping. James Bond’s gotta get me and kill me before...
The trouble is though, you’ve got all them obstacles. You’ve got all them obstacles in your garden, and you’ve bought the horses. They’re gonna... it’s in their nature. They’re gonna be doing it in the garden. You’ll look out, be entertained...
Hoisted by my own petard.
[After having quoted Hamlet]
And that will be the only quote, that's it, I've blown all my quotes.
After all, as you know, there is a tradition, is there not, the very saying of the word Macbeth in a theatre brings bad luck.
You have to sleep with all your co-stars immediately.
Is that what you were told?
[On The Lion King being based on Hamlet]
At what point does Hamlet say Hakuna matata?
[On Broadway musicals inspired by Shakespeare plays]
There was one based on The Comedy of Errors ...
What happens in The Comedy of Errors ?
There are two sets of identical twins...
[exasperated at Shakespeare's stock characters] Oh God, one of them's shipwrecked, "who's a girl, who's a boy?", "I'm married!", everyone's dead!
[On what the bill Ingram Fraser killed Christopher Marlowe over was for]
Might have been a prostitute, might have been a brothel.
To be honest, the service charge in this is redundant.
I had one of them, two of them...
I asked for that, but it never happened.
Why don't we have a big one, and we all have a bit?
[...]
Anyway, what made Lord Byron limp?
That's a follow-up question.
Item four on the brothel bill...?
Last night, I had an anxiety dream about coming on this show, and in this dream, I think I was sitting on the other side and you were asking the question very sternly "Why was the March Hare so important to the Aztecs?" And I didn’t know the answer and I said "Did they worship it?" And the screens went "Worship it. Worship it." which was absolutely terrifying.
[Much later]
Anyway. [very sternly] Why was the March Hare so important to the Aztecs?
[Egging Victoria on] Whatever you dreamt was the answer, is the right answer.
I know the answer isn’t "Did they worship it?", because...
[forfeit klaxon goes off - WORSHIP IT]
[ Bill Bailey has correctly identified a bird on the screens as a flycatcher.]
That was a flycatcher. It was a Juan Fernández Tit-Tyrant.
Wait a minute...[writing in his notebook] A Juan Fernández Tit-Tyrant.
There are points for knowing where the Juan Fernández islands are.
*scoffs* Breastcock Lane...?!
Who speaks in terms, harangues and declaims in a long meandering cascade of sounds, syllables, stresses and intonations, that might at first seem to be full of sense and meaning, but soon reveal itself to be an empty, vain, hollow and completely meaningless stream of gibberish?
[forfeit klaxon goes off - YOU DO, STEPHEN]
We call our numbers Arabic numbers.
Do we? I thought our numbers... okay.
Have you played hangman for money?
Who plays hangman for money?!
I was about to say I've done everything for money, but I know what you guys do with that.
So, what begins with J and appears to be alive?
You begin with J and are most magnificently radiantly alive.
[forfeit klaxon goes off - JEREMY CLARKSON]
This is something that appears to be alive, but quite obviously isn’t.
Jedward then. I'm revising my original answer.
[forfeit klaxon goes off - JEDWARD]
‹ Previous Page 4164 of 4970
Next ›
CH − Previous episode · S1 E14 Riding the Lightning
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License .
