Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[Explaining a radio interview of an actress]
Cut the long story short, they airbrushed her nipples out of the poster. Her nipples were showing through her costume, just the two little… [motions with his hands]
But this is radio!
[laughing] Not just for the radio. And, uh, she had complained about it. "So why have you airbrushed my nipples, that's ridiculous. Why don't you just leave them?" And the presenter said: "Well, perhaps they thought they weren't suitable for children".
[On corporal punishment]
Children were always beaten. Really, we are the first generation - Um, I'm not. I was beaten huge about when I was a child in prep school.
Really?
God, yes. From age seven 'til thirteen, at least twice a week. I was a bad boy, and I was always being thrashed.
What for?
Oh, stealing, lying, cheating, um, being cheeky, being a nuisance, evading games…
Bit of a smartarse, were you?
Yeah, being a smartarse...
...being too clever for your own good. That sort of thing. Always telling everyone what was going on.
All things that annoyed people about...
Well, they certainly beat that out of you, didn't they?
If you're in your seventies now, how old were you in the end of World War II? Maybe ten years old? How did you help win the war? When you were just ten years old, you did not help win the war.
By not eating bananas.
Yeah. You were nothing but a drain on British resources!
[to the laughing panelists] You've gotta admire his guts, haven't you?
Effectively every 70-year-old Brit, effectively fought on the side of Nazi Germany! And lost the war every little bit as much as we did!
Female sexual dysfunction, for example, started being pushed at the time that various companies were trying to get licences for things like Viagra for the 50% of the population who are unlucky enough not to have a penis. And...
[to Jo Brand] Steady.
Jo's got loads of penises, but they're all in her drawer.
[On flatulence]
It seems that we produce about three pints of wind a day.
Pints?
Yes, it's measured in pints. Released in ten to fifteen individual "episodes".
You can get the box set as well.
Or, you can have a feature-length episode.
Why shouldn’t you sleep with a dog?
He won’t respect you in the morning.
I once bought a racehorse by mistake.
What had you originally gone into the shop for?
[On fire stations]
You've gotta have two machines abreast, is usual, isn't it? And then all the living quarters were next door... [interrupted by a chuckle from Alan]
Sorry, I've just thought of breasts. [hands on his chest] "Two machines"?
[laughing] Two machines per breast.
It was an odd moment, Alan, 'cos I was with you.
[Dara is given back points unfairly deducted from him in an earlier episode]
Sorry, is he gonna get points for something - and we weren't even there!
I know a loads of stuff I haven't said!
I'm okay, 'cos I came on series two, and I mentioned the triple point of water being zero. And in series three I came back, and they said: "Oh no, we've had e-mails, that actually the temperature is 0.01." Right, so I was one hundredth of a degree off on this. And he docked me points! The following year! So I'm happy, I'll take them.
Yes, exactly. What goes around, comes around. [to the other panelists] Don't feel bad. You may get points, next… two years time.
Some day when you least expect it, when you're sitting and having coffee, Stephen will appear and go: [bows] "Some points".
Once you’ve got a baby, food on the floor really is fair game. If you didn’t eat food off the floor, you’re wasting about 90 quid a week.
Why don’t moths come out during the day if they’re so fond of the bloody light?
You know, Edison electrocuted an elephant. It's my favourite fact of all time.
Yes. Do you know why?
He was carrying out an execution.
I think you might know this 'cos you saw it on QI.
[laughing] Yes.
Really? [over the audience laughter] The problem of joining you people so late is that you've basically covered all human knowledge!
Tell me something quite interesting about the original geishas.
They were all men.
Yes!
Oh, God.
The first person to reason that the tropics were not hotter because they're nearer the sun, but because a smaller area is lit by an equal amount of light compared to other latitudes, was George Best. [to the incredulous amusement of the panelists] It's absolutely true! It was George Best who worked that out.
Oh, you've lost it now. You've completely lost it. You're gonna have to hand this over to someone else.
[Turns out Stephen was talking about an Elizabethan scientist, not the footballer]
My next question is this; why can’t blindfolded people walk in a straight line?
Can’t see where they’re going. Next question.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
