I hear voices.
Do you?
But I ignore them and I just carry on killing.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[On meaning in animal noises]
I can vouch for that. There are people who study this. My director of one of my documentaries, he got a PhD from Oxford studying frog communication.
He was a Professor of French.
He genuinely believed it was possible that after Christ's ascension into Heaven, the rings of Saturn are where he put his foreskin. Now, you're maybe thinking that I'm trying to mock the church, that this is nonsense. But Christ, of course, was a Jewish boy, and like all Jewish boys, at the eighth day of his birth, he was circumc –
They're fifty thousand miles across!
She also actively sought out degrading experiences. She once drank a cupful of cancerous pus from a woman who'd abused her.
But had she appeared on Mock the Week?
[Question: "How were the rings around Saturn actually formed?" Brian Cox and Alan Davies, sitting on the opposite sides of the studio, both pull out their "Nobody knows" cards]
I'm going to, to play the card there.
[looking at Cox] You are right! You're a true scientist. The fact is that nobody does really know, do they.
[pointed cough]
[turns to see Alan with his card] Well done!
[Formally] Thank you.
[On Time's arrow]
All you need is an analogy that’s pertinent to you, so in my case: All relationships. And then you realize: Perfect eighteen month, and then they're dead.
The second law of sexual dynamics.
Yeah, according to me, that's how I extrapolate.
To make that statistically significant though, you'd have to have an awful lot of relationships.
Oh, I do.
Not on Earth, but in our solar system. I'm thinking of Neptune or Uranus.
AAudience
[tittering]
[looking sternly into the camera] No. No. No. No.
Of all these [Saturn's] moons, which one is most likely to be the home to Ewoks?
Would be, um, Titan.
Titan?
It's got a thicker atmosphere than the Earth, so you'd need to be furry.
[Ross and Alan quickly open their notebooks and start writing]
["Fill in the gaps in slogans"]
"Welcome to Northamptonshire - Let yourself..."
"…down."
This is an optimistic one here. "Welcome to Tower Hamlets - Let's make it..."
"…out alive."
[After it turned out the actual slogan is: "Welcome to Tower Hamlets - Let's make it happen."]
There was another slogan, it said: It did happen on Friday the 17th. If you've witnessed it...
[Talking about SatNav]
I've just done voice for them, so that if you have TomTom or Garmin…
No, you drive along, and it goes: "Turn left. Now, the interesting thing about this particular building…" [His voice is drowned under the audience's laughter and applause. Stephen buries his face in his hands.]
Did you do it as if you were talking to me? That's the worrying thing. "Left, you moron!"
I have the key to the city of Port Pirie, in Australia.
Do you?
I was doing a gig, and I was talking to a bloke, turned out he was the mayor. So I went, ‘can I have the key to the city?’ and he went, ‘yeah, alright then.’ So I said, ‘alright then,’ I didn’t want him to back out, I said, ‘where’s your office?’ He says, ‘on the High Street.’ ‘I’ll be down there tomorrow.’ So I turned up, he’d got a shed key and a ribbon and went, ‘there you go.’
I had a sat-nav, after Port Pirie, and the Nullarbor Plain in Australia, big long…
Between Adelaide and Perth.
Yeah. The longest straight road in the world. And I turned it on and it said, “Drive forward for two days.” And the next bit went, “then turn left.” But the thing was… But the stupid thing was, it was such a long road, I missed the left hand turn!
This is a show in which nothing will be fair, from top to bottom, so let’s get it over with and go straight to the scores. In first place, with minus 54, it’s Sandi Toksvig. In second place, with plus 7, it’s Clive Anderson. In third place with minus sechzig (60) is Henning Wehn. And lastly, obviously, with minus 1 gazillion, is Alan Davies.
[Looking at a painting on the screen]
That's a really ugly baby.
That's not any use! Don't learn that expression. "Really ugly baby." There's never an option to use that in real life.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.