Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[On the "Earth sandwich"]
…There was an immediate controversy, 'cos they used baguettes. And so they weren't quite sure whether they were oriented in the same direction. It might have been a cross shape, which would have disqualified it as a sandwich, really, you can't have a sandwich baguettes crossing, can you?
How do you get to be involved in these competitions?
[On equipment doctors leave in patients]
This is when we need Hugh Laurie on this show, isn't it?
He would explain it, exactly. If the script was put in front of him. He's a gibbering idiot without it.
I dressed as Hitler once. I did a school play, I played Arturo Ui in The resistible rise of Arturo Ui. And I was Ui. I actually dyed my hair black and cut it in the Hitler style for the authenticity of the role, not cause I'm a Nazi, and my mum said "Oh, now that does look nice.".
I was a goth for a while.
Were you?
I was asked to leave, 'cos I was just too miserable.
You were bringing them down.
I was an emu for a while.
When did the hand come out?
What’s the difference between an emo and a goth? I missed that.
One’s a flightless bird. The other one’s a horny headed vandal.
[On zombie apocalypse]
Alan, you're a zombie. You bite Jimmy. Jimmy, you're now a zombie, you bite Jack. Jack, Jack bites Mel, and so on.
[pointing at Sue Perkins, who's rolling her eyes] Sue.
What?
Sue!
[Realizes what he has said, buries his face in his hands]
Stephen, ten points now if you know her name.
Is this the warm, personal touch that you get when you come to this show?
[bright red] I'm so ashamed! Oh Sue, I'm sorry.
No-one noticed, Hugh.
I think it's a trick question. Because you're a vegetarian. You wouldn't bite me, I don't think. You'd have a salad.
I wouldn't consume you, but I would be prepared to kill you. Turn you into one of me.
What, we'll all live in windmills and solve crime?
I look like the character.
You do, actually.
I'm not actually...
Their defence is to dazzle? Tada!
It’s the John Barrowman of the deep sea...
Stand back or I’ll show you my teeth!
Where does the saying 'saved by the bell' come from?
[hits his buzzer, then grimaces] Oh no, I know what's gonna happen now. It's gonna be, I'm gonna get the klaxon for this. Is it boxing? Is it a boxing reference?
Yes!
Oh.
Is it - is this where the bells gonna go off…
[whispering] Don't do it!
...Is it going back to being buried alive?
[The forfeit klaxon goes off - BURIED ALIVE]
How can you get it wrong after he's got it right?
[On the legend of Romans vomiting in order to be able to carry on eating]
People definitely did that in pubs when I was growing up.
They threw up in order to drink more?
Yeah. Go outside, be sick on the pavement, shake their heads, go straight back to the bar.
Oh yeah, the tactical chunder. Totally.
Yeah. "I feel terrible. I'm gonna have to go and have a tactical chunder." Come back five minutes later: "I'm fine now!"
Hmm. Makes sense.
Makes sense. Four quids worth of bitter in the gutter and carry on.
We only call ourselves 'Quite Interesting', we don't call ourselves 'Astonishing'.
[Giving the scores]
We should do this the Athenian way. We should offer Alan the chance - because I can say that Alan is coming last…
It's one of my best features.
[Why are people who don't eat meat called 'vegetarians'?]
So we can identify them as fools and madmen.
[...]
It's because if you said you had a herbivore coming round for dinner, the children would be frightened.
How do you get wheat to mate?
Pollination.
Yes, well, how does that happen?
You turn down the lights…
Ask the barley to leave the room...
What's a Manhattan?
Red Bull. Red Bull and Egg nog.
[on why the columns of the Parthenon look straight]
They look straight cause they are straight.
That's not a question! Why does this man look thin? Because he is. That is taking me on whole circle. My train of thought was: They look like this because they are. This is why I struggled in school.
It's the Q in QI...
If a train travels at forty miles an hour and leaves at nine o'clock and arrives in Glasgow in twelve o'clock, how did it get there? And you're goin': 'Cause it did.
It's sort of that...
It's not sort of that, its very confusing!
It's the Q in QI. Its going round in a circle but with a little wriggly bit at the end.
Why does that look straight [holds up his notebook with a wriggly line drawn on.] Because it's not. That would have been a question. [Draws a straight line next to it] Why does that look straight? Because it is!
Sometimes...
Because it is!
Sometimes things look...
It’s straight!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
