I think there's a scientific relationship between a sense of humour and the male sex organ.
People are always laughing at mine.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[On how to conceive a girl]
Friend of ours had a baby in Thailand. English couple. And the Thai woman said to her: "If you look lovely when you pregnant, you will have girl. If you look tired and ugly, dress badly, you will have boy." And she said: "What do you think I'm gonna have?" "Boy."
[laughing] Outrageous!
And she did!
Now, the socks that man in the middle is wearing, very long socks, and just out of interest for you, that’s something that I’ve turned to recently. I now favour the longer sock.
Do you? Can you take me through your reasoning?
Yes, I can, I’ll show you. [He slowly pulls up his trouser leg.] The gentleman’s sock. Now Jo, you as a lady, you’re gonna think this sock is gonna stop a lot sooner than it does. So watch this. Look at that. Surely you’ve reached the peak. Surely we’ve peaked.
Oh, my word! He’s wearing tights!
Can I say, not so much for Jo, but Stephen, Alan and Sean, I urge you to give it a go. Because it gives you a feeling of security.
They do make you look like a nob-head.
[Rob has given an enthusiastic speech about the brilliance of long socks]
I just wonder what's gonna happen to you when you go, like, skydiving. You go: "Wow! [spreading his hands] That's incredible! Forget the socks! This is amazing!"
I have been skydiving.
Have you tried jelly? That's nice.
What happens in Germany at 11:11 on the 11th of November every year?
[completely deadpan] Everything carries on as normal.
[The panel is playing Call my Bluff with 18th century phrases]
I can't stand Call my Bluff. Why are we playing Call my Bluff? It's a shit game! We've invented a really good game, why are we playing a shit one?
[On the Queen not being legally required to have a driving licence]
What does she show in Blockbuster...?
A twenty pound note.
Now, tell me about the "Great Disappointment".
Have you been talking to my husband?
[Forfeit klaxon goes off - HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO MY HUSBAND?]
Why are so many great men short?
[doubtfully] Are they really?
David, David. You've hit the nail on the head. Rem acu tetigisti, as they would say in latin.
…I'm sure they would.
It means: 'Nice one, son'.
[On cheese having a sell-by date and "consume within 2 days of opening"]
It's gone off already, I mean, cheese basically, hasn't it?
That's it's point, exactly. It is the celebration of what happens when milk goes off big time styley.
It should just: you should work for the milk marketing mob. Get some lovely "English milk gone off big time styley". "I'll have a 'milk gone off big time styley and tomato sandwich' please." That's a brilliant description!
'Heightism' does exist. Short people are paid less on average than tall people. The disparity is comparable in magnitude to race and gender.
They should rise up.
Yeah… Hey!
[After discussing the Giant Tortoise]
How did they exist in the wild anyway if they're so delicious, slow moving and massively useful?
Name and shame the worlds cheapest cheapskate.
JRJan Ravens
[rings in] Was it Diogenes the Cynic?
…Wow.
You've seen this show before, haven't you? I think I'm slightly aroused.
I can confirm 'slightly'.
[On dance fly]
It captures an insect, sucks out its innards completely, and then wraps the empty shell in silk. And then gives it to the female, but by the time the female's unwrapped it, and discovered that as it were her box of chocolates is empty, he's already mated with her and scarpered.
[to the audience] Now, don't try this at home!
Now, what would you call someone who never laughs?
[points towards the audience] That bloke.
[laughing] You're right. He hasn't cracked a smile the whole evening.
He might be dead. Nudge him.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.