I give you one theory and you look at me like I’m an ass!
I was just, I can’t...
No, you’ve done this before on this show!
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[Rob gives a very thorough biography of Elvis.]
Is this radio...?
I haven’t said anything for a while.
Date of death?
August 16th, 1977.
It’s like Radio 2 in the middle of the night!
You look backwards, because history teaches us the future. Because from history, we learn patterns, and as Dr Phil says time and time again, the greatest indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour.
[Putting a hand on Rob’s shoulder.] When are you gonna realise he’s not interested?
I’m so...
He is interested. [To Stephen.] Tell him you’re interested.
I’m very interested.
There is this strange thing called libration, which is like vibration but beginning with an L. It was a thing that was noted by quite a few of the early astronomers...
Can I say, sorry Stephen, but that's not an acceptable way of defining a word: Libration. It's like vibration, but beginning with an L.
What starts with H means that you'll always be the bridesmaid and never the bride?
Hepatitis C.
Oddly enough, you’re surprisingly close.
Herpes.
And what do they mean by monkey glands?
The glands... of a monkey!
[Stephen has a genuine periscope rifle under his desk. Alan reaches for it.]
Now, don't play with it. They did ask that no-one else touches it.
[defiantly] Oh?
It's very valuable.
I was gonna make it go over the desk! [gives in and crawls back to his chair] I can't believe I'm not allowed to play with it.
I'm afraid I was given specific 'Alan not to touch' instructions.
I love the fact that somewhere there's a memo that just says: "Machine gun - for Stephen Fry's use only".
A circular triangle?
Well...
PJPhil Jupitus
Oh, no, no, no. This is your first time. This sort of thing happens all the time. “It’s a sort of circular triangle.”
“And it makes a square.”
It’s not the fact that I’m boggled by that, it’s the fact that I now realise there’s a possibility that you could have a Toblerone-Rolo combo.
[About 7 minutes after the gun conversation.]
Let me play with the gun! I wanna play with the gun that shoots around corners.
No, you can’t play with the gun.
[Grumpy.] “Special instructions ‘don’t let Alan...’”
“Police were baffled in London tonight by a series of murders committed around corners.”
["Where is the best place to have your skull drilled?"]
[saying nothing, places his fingers on top of his head]
[Forfeit klaxon goes off - JUST HERE]
Is that the way they can now read my mind, these people?
[laughing] It's amazing, isn't it.
It's the eighth series, I suppose.
[On whether the moon landings were a hoax]
I did an advert with Patrick Moore, and I said: "So, Patrick, did they land on the moon?" And he looked so annoyed with me. He actually explained to me how he'd help to map the moon for NASA and how he'd spent years in the project, and the landing site was partly his idea… And if I ever spoke to him again, he was gonna be sick in my eyes.
We are in trouble as a species if people will refuse to believe in things they couldn't actually do themselves.
[to cautious David] Embrace the klaxon!
I'm trying to!
What is the point of teenagers?
Are they the only group you are legally allowed to punch?
My favourite on the Weakest Link was "What are Chardonnay, Shiraz and Pino Noir?" And the guy said "Footballer's wives."
My favourite one was: "Name a dangerous race". And the man said "The Arabs."
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.