Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
What happens if an ear wig gets into your ear?
It gets into your brain, and it stays there, and you form a sort of symbiotic relation with it. It happened to me 20 years ago, and we've never been happier!
[forfeit klaxon goes off - IT BORES INTO YOUR BRAIN]
You know if a spider lays its eggs underneath your skin, think about how much worse it'd be if it was a goose.
[on baby cats]
If you cut their whiskers off, they can get their head stuck in a milk bottle, I know that.
...from experience?
They will try, if you put something at the bottom like a bit of tuna.
And if they do actually manage it, you end up with a lovely bottled cat! That you can take to a party. "I couldn't decide red or white, so I brought a cat."
[on the myth about the brace position preserving dental records]
I've heard that and frankly, I don't know why they don't just tell people! "In the unlikely event of the plane crashing, I think we can all agree, you'd like to be identified. Bite down as hard as you can on your own armrest."
[Alan makes his entrance wearing an elephant mask.]
I was the elephant in the room!
I know, it was brilliant.
It was brilliant!
Well, bless him, when he arrived—I'm not wishing to sound patronising, but I've just said "bless him," so there's no way out—
I took my nephews to London Zoo, because a friend of ours is a zoo-keeper there, and she can get you in sort of the back. And we went in to see a lion, and they said, "There's some mesh — there's small mesh and big mesh. You must stay on the side where the big mesh is. Don't go near the small mesh. Stay where the big mesh is. Do you understand?" And the kids went—[nods nervously] And we just went in, and my nephew turned to me and said, "What's mesh?"
I was in Brazil, and I went into an enclosure with a Jaguar. And this Brazilian handler said "It's very important: always approach from the front". And I went, right, okay, and I was just getting closer to the front of it. And then he said "Oh no, sorry, never. Sorry! My English..."
So that's all from Bill, Jo, Jeremy, Alan and Pudsey and me and I'll leave you with this thought about one form of entertainment we haven't covered tonight, from Noel Coward: "People are wrong when they say that opera is not what it used to be. It is exactly what it used to be, that is what is wrong with it." Good night.
So that's the Cameroon's Eton tribe. They have other ethnic groups called the Bum, the Bang, the Banana, the Mang, the Fang, the Tang, the Wum, the Wam, the War, and, of course, the Pongo.
Who discovered this tribe, Benny Hill?
We had a Jimmy Glasscock at school.
Oh, did you?
Yeah, you could always see when he was coming.
What is pink, has pendulous breasts, gets sailors all excited and tastes of prime beef? [as Jimmy rings in] Yes?
Was Princess Margaret buried at sea?
It was before Haile Selassie, there was an emperor...
Lowly Selassie.
[on getting static shock]
But some people say, it's because of passion, like when you meet the man or woman of your dreams, you have an electric shock.
Sometimes if I meet an attractive woman, I will tazer her.
[Which island did Britain's fourth Antarctic expedition get stranded on in 1916?]
Oh! Is it the Island of Reluctant but Inevitable Homosexuality? [laughter] I think I recognise it from that school trip that went horribly wrong …
Lord of the Undone Flies.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
