Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[About why Germans like Mr. Bean]
There's a certain efficiency about it. [in German accent] "He does somesing, then he falls over. Is very amusing. Before, he vas valking in a straight line, so he's valking into the door! Is genius!"
"Zis is vhat happens vhen you break ze rules!"
"Sometimes I stay up very late!"
[How to keep your children from peeking at their Christmas presents]
Blind them.
[stuffing his face with spaghetti] Can I just say, this is the best quiz I've ever been on.
And how are you eating yours, Alan?
By hand.
Do you know, the thing is, Alan gets 20 points, because that’s how Neopolitans eat spaghetti. They lean back and drop it into their mouths by hand.
That’s not fair! Alan thinks mashed potatoes are finger food!
They say of the Acropolis, where the Parthenon is … [Stephen flubs the line, causing the panellists to rib him mercilessly for the next 3-4 minutes as he tries to nail it for the recording - he eventually manages to force out to great applause:] … there are no straight lines!
Do they? [sigh]
Whatever …
What's the most famous line from a Tarzan film?
Oh, "Me Tarzan, you Jane."
Yes, except of course it never happened.
What?!
Why do these films always forget to put their most famous lines in?
How has the Eurovision Song Contest made Europe a better place?
How has it made it a better place? Because it has, as you can see, the dove, it has brought together the nations of Europe-
Has it arse, it's divided East from West.
[On Bertrand Russell's proof that 1 + 1 = 2]
In order to prove mathematics from the very beginning, you have to establish the first principle of arithmetic, and that piece of symbolic logic was proving that one plus one equals two.
It’s a bit late, the 20th century, to prove that, I’d say.
A bit late?
You’ve got quite a lot riding by the 20th century on one plus one being two, you know? There’s quite a lot of engineering happening. Quite a complex international economy. If you find out that it doesn’t equal two, what do we do? Just burn everything! God know anything could fall on our heads. Money, you might as well eat it. Forget civilisation!
[on smoke signals]
Was that before or after email?
[grins] It's... close. They were spamming though, you'd get endless streams! [pretending to fan smoke] "do-you-want-a-big-ger-cock?"
What happened to the fireman's pole?
He tiled the fireman's bathroom.
[attempting a Richard Burton impression]
"When a baby cries it's first cry when it's born it's crying out knowing..." [audience member giggles] Shut up. [more laughter] You wouldn't know a good impression if it sat on your face!
I'm from the same town as Richard Burton and Anthony Hopkins.
And Michael Sheen.
And Michael Sheen, of course. In fact, my father grew up in the same street, literally the same street, as Anthony Hopkins.
Yeah... In England we live in houses.
You know how sometimes it can be too cold to snow, yeah?
[There’s complete silence.]
Is that a question?
Yeah. You know how it can be too cold to snow?
Yes, because you need some moisture...
[Forfeit klaxon goes off - YES]
You really hate me, don’t you?
Did you really work that out?
Some of us paid attention at school, Alan.
That one again! That seems to be the root of all my problems.
[After hearing about how the East German secret police used to take swabs of dissidents' body odour in order to identify them]
It does sound like a new perfume range, though, doesn't it? "Dissidence, from Calvin Klein."
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
