[On the problems of having sex in space]
The male member would be slightly smaller in space. 'Cause blood pressure is lower.
In space, no one can hear you apologize.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[About the first words spoken from the surface of the moon]
Was it 'This is the Moon, this is the end of the line...'
Great to be here in Philadelph—I mean, the Moon.
Edward VII took a lot of mercury.
I think he might have done.
I thought it was for constipation. A very literal way of treating it. Drink a heavy liquid, force the poo down. Alternative would be, stand on your hands and have a lot of helium.
[in imitation of an outraged right-winger] You don't take an active interest in how your country is run for just forty-five years, and look what happens!
Einigkeit und Recht und Freiheit für das deutsche Vaterland! Danach lasst uns alle streben Brüderlich mit Herz und Hand!
I have an erection.
[Clive Anderson's buzzer is (Everything I Do) I Do It for You by Bryan Adams.]
Sometimes there just isn't enough vomit in the world.
And what are the symptoms of taking E? Do you know, Clive?
Um, I don't know, I haven't taken it myself. I've given ecstasy, but not …
And who are the most dangerous cars driven by in the world?
Oh, are we talking about men or women, children, babies, dogs...
No, nationalities. The most dangerous cars are green apparently, and driven by the Chinese.
...called tanks.
[On the composition of dust in a home]
Animals, insects...
Dust mites.
JJeremy
...bits of smashed badgers.
[forfeit klaxon sounds]
JJeremy
[incredulous] Smashed badgers is coming up there!?
What would you find in the middle of a pearl??
An oyster.
[Whilst audience are laughing] No.
[Surprised voice] You find an oyster in the middle of a pearl?!
[on getting his foot stuck in a giant clam]
I was going "I wonder what happens if you put your foot in that?" and [claps hands] BOOM! It's got a sort of velvety, soft, rather comfortable place to get stuck.
Doesn't it start ingesting it and squirting enzymes at your foot?
I was more worried by the meter saying how much air I had left in the tanks.
Aren't you supposed to have a buddy when you dive?
Oh, I did. That was my wife, she had buggered off.
There's a great story about Conan Doyle, actually. Just for a joke, one day, he wrote a note saying, We are discovered. Flee immediately, and he sent it to five of his friends to see what they would do. And one of them disappeared!
There was a time when all the elevator cables were sheared off in the Empire State Building. Do you know about this story?
Yeah, there was a giant ape on the side of it.
Fish don't blink. Which is the main eye defence. If you're ever trying to get the eye out of a fish and it blinks... it may be a lion.
It's just so stupid, isn't it? Beating your wife... I mean, it's your wife- it's like keying your own car!
Society just got a tiny bit worse...
I like to think I can help.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.