What could you make with an ultrasound rectal probe, a light-emitting tube, bicycle helmets, protective clothing, a huge tub of Vaseline, and a wheel-barrow?
I could make you the happiest man alive.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
How does a love bomb work?
I turn up and I get on with it. (Applause.) Is a love bomb a bottom noise that can be made whilst you’re making lo...you know, sometimes you’re... and then all of a sudden, you know that noise, it’s really awkward and you pretend you haven’t heard it?
Rob? Rob, can I remind you of something? Your father is in the audience.
He’s happy to go ‘that’s my boy! You’re putting Wales on the map, Robert!’
[About vampire bats.]
How do they ingest their blood? What do they do?
They bite and sniff it up. Swallow it. Lick it. Slurp it. Hide it. Store it. Decant it.
Decant it!?
Where is the biggest load of rubbish in the world?
AMAudience Member
France.
How can you tell that God is a civil engineer? Because when he designed the human body, he put the recreational area right next to the sewage outflow.
Now the atmosphere is completely: um, what's the word I'm looking for?
Electric?
[Forfeit Klaxon goes off - ELECTRIC]
Now, question one, I think. I'm naked; it's pouring down with rain. Can you give me a good reason why I should crouch down with my bottom in the air? [Jo immediately rings in; Stephen is already laughing.] Jo.
Stephen, I wouldn't have thought you'd need a good reason.
[The number of British people killed by lightning each year]
It's between three and six, actually, it's not very many.
Four or five.
You’re not doing badly, I must say. A fulsome pair of funbags there.
You know what? That was almost heterosexual.
But it wasn’t though, was it?
["What were cornflakes originally used for?"]
It was for, er, putting in mattresses, for monks, as, er, an anti-masturbation sound trigger device …
[The audience begins to laugh.]
Johnny Vegas, take some points!
You're jokin'!
[The whole studio roars with laughter. It's revealed that Will Keith Kellogg was a Seventh Day Adventist, and originally made Corn Flakes in an attempt to inhibit masturbation.]
[After hearing that eating nothing but rabbit will eventually kill you]
My dad killed my pet rabbit and fed it to me.
[The audience is stunned.]
Did he?! [kindly] Perhaps he was trying to kill you, Johnny.
When did rabbits arrive in Britain?
Tuesday.
Do you remember what year it was?
3000 years ago. Tuesday morning.
I love the way your mind works, Alan Davies … and I use the word "works" quite wrongly.
Where do you put your ladder if you want it to go into space?
On top of a spaceship. With a flag hanging on it, so other spaceships don't follow you too closely.
It's a conceptual question. How about this: Up against the wall of silence.
You should have railings build around you and people come and worship you as a kind of modern Buddha. You've got the look, I have to say.
Oh, thank you very much.
Buddha look.
Rural Buddha [in a West Country accent] Wisdom...and cheap cider.
[after several hare brained schemes have been proposed by the panellists]:
How about this: You could just...imagine.
Oh Bill, that is so beautiful.
'Tis the wisdom of the rural Buddha.
The Dalai Farmer.
It’s like a mix between smug and orgasm.
Smorgasm.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.