For five million pounds, I'd want a map that showed me looking at the map I'd just bought.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
I remember the first time I heard my father say the word fuck, my brother and I couldn't believe it. Because we thought we made the word up.
The first time I said the word fuck, my dad heard me. Walked by my bedroom door and I said "Dad shut the door, I'm trying to fuck in here."
[On the Isle of Wight being the last place in Britain to be Christianized]
It was in 686 AD, almost a century after the rest of the country. Subjugated by Cædwalla who was king of the West Saxons and who had killed most of the Pagan population to Christianize it. Good ol' Christianity.
[on non-newtonian fluids]
...the harder and firmer it becomes. You could slowly [gestures with protruding finger] put your finger through it...
Oh boy. Here we go.
The finger slips in smoothly...
Wow.
It's... No. [embarrassed] Please, help me out here. But if you slap it hard... [realises, double facepalms] Oh, dear.
Are all the stars round?
I can't answer that. Um, I think probably most-
Yet you know what people thought five hundred years ago?
Do I read books? Yes. Have I visited every star in the universe? No. Is this something you find difficult to understand? [A few moments of silence pass.] You've set me off.
What is a taffy pull?
Is this another dig at my forefathers?
You've got four fathers? The Welsh are weird.
Who, or what, is Cummingtonite?
[Giggles] I don’t know. The night is young, Stephen.
It’s marvellous to be six because you’re not aware of your own mortality. You think you’re the centre of the universe... Days last a hundred years! It’s always summer! You can put your head in some custard and no one cares.
I'd quite like to be, sort of … a minute … old. After the smack and everything's washed off, you're straight on the tit, you've got entertainment, you've got sleep and you can cry all the time without anyone thinking you're weird.
[Guessing the contents of the Queen's handbag]
The Little Book of Calm … and mace spray.
I'll tell you what though, the only indigineous mammals in Australasia are marsupials.
They're therefore not mammals.
[The audience laughs and Jimmy looks stunned.]
Did you not know that they're cats! Hahahaha, Hahahaha, they're cats! All of them!
I'm sorry for trying to be clever. Sorry, back to the knob gags.
What's your favourite bit of the koala. Do you like the hands, the little hands?
I like the cock.
Oh stop.
Told ya.
[Rory has been displaying his knowledge of the periodic table.]
RMRory McGrath
Selenium is 34, arsenic is 33.
Very good. Isn't he good? They should really put railings around you and have children come and stare at you.
[Rory has been getting several answers correct by now.]
Now, this is a team game, isn't it? I'm on his team, is that right?
[Rory puts his hand on Jimmy's shoulder whilst everyone laughs]
This is my team mate here. We're killin' them, aye? [He swears using his hand at Sean and Alan]. Come on! You want some?
Yes, but, later on, when we go out, people will talk to us.
(sing-song, about 10 Downing Street) There's always someone in there!
Well why did you sing that?! It was a little bit scary! There's always someone in there!
I wanted to frighten you.
I am frightened. I think someone might be under the desk!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.