I'm not as stupid as you think.
No, you're not. You couldn't be.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
What would your super power be of choice?
Invisibility.
Really?
Yeah, I think. Ah, it'd be great. What would you like?
I would like to have no bodily smell.
I would like to travel ahead in time, but only by two seconds. I could go 'gesundheit', and you [points at Stephen] would sneeze.
Scientists have managed to create a big bar, a huge one ton metal bar, which is just a fraction of a degree above zero.
PJPhil Jupitus
There's bound to be one scientist, that goes in with the big iron bar one day... [looks around, firmly presses tongue against table] ...Ohhh, not again.
[repeatedly, after having switched seats with Stephen]
...This question is for Stephen Fry.
How many states of matter are there?
Oh, hello. If you count plasma, I suppose 4: liquids, soli-
Oop!
[forfeit klaxon goes off - FOUR]
Four is wrong. Six! I'm surprised at you Stephen.
Which way does water go down the plug-hole in the Northern Hemisphere?
Any way you want it to. You can push to go one way or the other, I've tried it.
[Alan shuffles papers.]
[sighs disappointedly] … Yes, that's true.
PJPhil Jupitus
"Stephen, what are you doing in that bathroom?" [as Stephen] "I'm pushing it to go one way, I'm pushing it to go the other, I'm the master … of the bathroom"!
This one for everyone... What kind of animal is sacred in India?
[short silence]
[growled whisper]: DO NOT SAY COW!
[audience laughs]
DO NOT SAY COW! That is my hint.
[Phil's buzzer goes off]
PJPhil Jupitus
Is it the cow?
[forfeit klaxon goes off - COW]
What do penguins in the Falkland Islands do when RAF jets fly over?
[Stephen buzzes in]
PJPhil Jupitus
[In University Challenge voice] Fry, Cambridge!
[Talking about Old Testament mythology.]
Why do people believe all this stuff, Stephen?
Well, it’s whether you agree with it or not—
Never mind televisions ruined Bhutan, this stuff is responsible for some serious aggravation in the world. And people believe it all, for God’s sake! They do believe it all! Bronze age mythology, they believe it all.
People believing in manna doesn’t really upset me or anybody sensible as much as, say, than believing—
I don’t eat meat, right? I don’t eat meat, and someone actually said to me, someone who should remain nameless, really angrily: “Animals were put on earth for us to eat.” What does he mean by that? Put by whom?
That’s silly. Off course that’s silly.
I said: “You can eat one if you want, but don’t shout at me about them being put there like it’s some big toy farmyard.” You are really clever, why do they believe it all? Can’t they just go: “Bwooh, that was mad, I thought that was true for a minute.” Why do people believe it?!
Because they are foolish and ignorant and scared.
They need to believe it? Do they need to believe it?
There is a distinction to be drawn between those who claim to have access to revealed truth and therefore claim to know what happens to us after we’re dead on the basis of a text, whether it’s a Quran or a Holy Bible.
But why do people believe them?
Which is nonsensical. And if they want to believe it, they’re fine, but they mustn’t push it down our throats and they mustn’t tell me whom I’m allowed to go to bed with and whom I’m not allowed to go to bed with. It’s not acceptable. Anybody who tells me what happens after I’m dead is either a liar or a fool, because they don’t know.
That is what I mean! I don’t mind—
The myth of the Jewish people having manna dropped on their heads, that doesn’t actually matter. That’s no more different — that’s like Greek myth or any other myth, that’s fine. It’s when it gets to telling people how to behave is where we do draw the line.
There a map, which I think MI5 had, that shows not just Hadrian's Wall, but Hadrian's Conservatory and Hadrian's water feature, which is very nice, it sort of cascades down over pebbles.
Yes, Carlisle is in a sense Hadrian's sliding patio door, isn't it?
[on the Ordnance Survey map]
Well, each town is 30,000 pounds, and...
For Port Talbot? They're not gonna charge 30,000 pounds for Port Talbot, Stephen. They're not gonna get that.
Port Talbot, is that on the south Welsh coast, by any chance?
Yes. No, you'd be lucky to get 15 quid for that.
Well, Port Talbot may be less than 30,000 pounds, but it's like that old joke isn't it? About the atomic bomb going off in Cardiff, and causing seven pounds worth of damage.
Did you know all the rats in England all face the same direction at any given time?
Oh, come on.
No, that's right. Because they're magnetic, aren't they, rats?
They spent so long in lead lined sewage pipes, that they move with the curvature of the earth.
Hence the phrase "there's rat, and true rat. And absolute rat."
Is this a reference to the joke about "What is a sheep tied to a lamp post in Cardiff"? It's a leisure center.
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