What's the collective noun for a group of baboons?
The Pentagon.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
Here's a quite interesting fact: as we know, at the end of a marvellous performance, when we see a live show, and you think it's fabulous and you want more, you shout, "Encore" …
Yes …
Do you know what the French shout?
"Bis"?
Oh yeah, you do know.
Honeybees have evolved a complex language to tell each other where the best nectar is, using the sun as a reference point. Amazingly, they can also do this on overcast days and at night by calculating the position of the sun on the other side of the world. This means they can actually learn and store information despite the—
Has it occurred to you that they may not be using the sun? That whoever has worked that out is wrong? He's now said, "Even if you can't see it or it's on the other side of the world, they still use it." And these bees are thinking, "No, we don't! We just remember where we live!" Why is it so remarkable that they know where they live?
… Well, because they have only 950,000 neurons, as opposed to our 10,000,000,000 neurons in our brains.
But they've only got one thing to remember—where they live.
Why did the mushroom go to the party?
No. No.
No, not that joke. Why did the mushroom go to the party, Alan?
Cos he was a fun gi. [The audience groans.] What’s wrong with that joke, then?
That’s a joke for, like, an imbecile. You know, like nought point seven years old.
What's brown and sticky?
Oh, no... I don't kn— yeah, I do...
A stick.
Yeah... [Exasperatedly puts her head down.]
I'm worried by the audience reaction...
What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A stick.
A stick.
Do you have any other jokes where the punchline's "a stick"?
Loads!
Oh, right.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?... A carrot.
What's red and silly?... A blood clot. [The audience groans, Alan grimaces] Oh, don’t look at me like that, you fucking pig-eyed sack of shit! Don't you do that!
You've spoiled it. What's red and sits in the corner? A naughty strawberry.
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
[Discussing the potential benefits of time travel, such as witnessing historic moments or seeing yourself at a younger age]
I had a rolled-up ball of socks. And a hamper all the way across the room. And I just went like that … [imitates a casual throw] … right? Hits the wall, bounces off the ceiling, off this wall, back across that wall, right into the hamper. From, like, forty feet away. I would go back and watch that again.
If I've got a mothball in this hand and a mothball in that hand, what have I got?
Two mothballs?
No, a rather excited moth.
In Britain in 1994, you might be interested to know, there were an astonishing range of accidents reported by the, erm … [deep breath] … Trade and Industries Consumer Safety Units Home Accidents Surveillance History Report. Eight people in the UK in '94 were injured by placemats. Thirteen sustained cruet injuries. Five were wounded by dustpans. Eight suffered as a result of a breadbin accident. Five were hurt by sieves. Fourteen fell foul of a serving trolley. Seventeen were treated for injuries caused by a draught excluder. Four hundred and seventy-six people were injured while on the lavatory … there you are. Underwear hurt eleven people.
How many of those people were drunk?
Well, exactly. Or how many of them were sexually experimental?
[discussing the naked chef who won the only race of the first ancient Olympics]
He, of course, won by a short head- no... After his final spurt- NO, shut up!
What is bottomry?
It's the opposite of topiary.
What is the commonest material in the world?
Jim Davison's.
Alan, even I can work out that when you know the answer, never give it, cos it’s always the one they’re hoping we’ll say.
The huntsman spider is the only spider with lungs.
So you can get it a birthday cake with a candle on.
[On Larry LaPrise, the inventor of the Hokey Pokey]
He died in 1996; what happened at his funeral?
Oh, it was terrible, they couldn't get him into his coffin.
Why was that?
Well, they put the left leg in … Then the trouble started.
[On the subject of what music do spiders like]
They've got eight legs; they'd appreciate a one-man band.
[...]
MGMark Gatiss
Kylie Minogue
Why's that?
MGMark Gatiss
Spinning Around
[...]
But I don't think spiders are that into puns.
Well, the answer to this question is, it does seem to be classical music. They did an experiment, er, and they found that ...
MGMark Gatiss
Who are "they"? Who are "they"?
University of Ohio, in this instance, is "they". Or are "they".
The University of Fuck-All-Else-Better-To-Do.
LSLinda Smith
Formerly the Polytechnic of Fuck-All-Else-To-Do.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.