This brings us neatly to our General Ignorance round, in which we ask Alan, is this a rhetorical question?
[He thinks for a while.] No.
Quite right.
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
You don't meet many American Jeremys do you? Have you ever met one?
No it's too complicated, there's three syllables.
I went into a brothel on Saturday.
You heard it here first, folks.
It's exactly like a motorway service station lavatory.
Bet that was a welcome break.
Every single one of the 247 billion facts on the Internet is wrong.
What has large teeth and only one facial expression?
Janet Street-Porter.
[Forfeit klaxon goes off - JANET STREET-PORTER]
[On the word "hello", as opposed to "hullo"]
It just meant an expression of surprise—"Hullo, what have we got here?" "Hullo, what's this?" And we still use it in that sense.
Do we?
… Don't we, Bill?
Yes, when we live our lives like 1950s detective films, yes. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say, mother, where's the milk?"
You beast, you beast, you utter, utter, beast.
[Alan holds up his board. It says, ‘sit look rub panda.’]
I don’t know, it’s like occupational therapy in an old people’s home. Oh, hello, what have you got here?
[Reading his board.] ‘Put smarties tubes on cats legs make them walk like a robot’.
Brilliant. That is absolutely wonderful. He’s used all his letters.
That is unbe-fucking-lievable. It makes sense. They would walk like a robot. It’s an idea. It’s like giving people an idea.
It puts this completely to shame. [He holds his board up. It says, ‘gay elf romp’.]
I can’t even imagine how you managed to do that!
No, I’m sure you can’t, Alan.
It does work, actually. It’s a lovely way to spend an afternoon.
How many amoebas does it takes to change a lightbulb? One. No, two. No, four. No, eight …
They are homophones. They do sound the same … and they hate gay people.
[After Alan incorrectly guesses that Julius Caesar was born by Caesarian section.]
We don't know anything particularly extraordinary about his birth, we just wanted, uh, Laughing Boy [gestures to Alan] here to fall into the trap.
How many moons does the earth have?
Two.
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
[Forfeit klaxon goes off - TWO]
We did this last series!
Yes, but Alan, that was last year. There have been three more discovered.
Oh, shut up!
Do you know what "biscuit" means? What its derivation is? "Bis", meaning…
Eat, chew, bit …
… twice …
… bite …
… twice …
… bite, sweet, hard, coffee cup.
…twice. [laughs] "Sweet, hard, coffee cup"?
Cup. Coffee cup accompaniment.
[To Rich Hall on the American meaning of Biscuit] You have Biscuits and Gravy, don't you? Tell the ladies and gentlemen what that is.
Oh, Traveller from an arcane land.
(As if speaking to a young child) What do your people eat?
Everything!
See what happens on this show, Dara, is he (gestures to Stephen) thinks I'm an idiot.
Yeah, well you think my name is an anagram of diarrhoea, so... I’m really on their side at the moment.
Do you know why the grass is greener in Ireland than over here?
DODara O'Briain
Uhm, it's because of lime stone?
No, because you're all over here walking on ours.
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