[Discussing the possibility of receiving xenotransplanted organs from pigs]
LSLinda Smith
Now what are the chances of a reckless young pig, goes out and gets killed in a motorcycle accident? They probably don't even carry donor cards!
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
It's in the Bible …
I haven't read it!
You should—it's hilarious.
What, or which, is the largest living thing on earth?
[determined] It is the blue whale!
[Forfeit klaxon goes off - BLUE WHALE]
I had an ants nest in my flat once.
Did you? What did you do?
Well, I was fairly stupid about it, because I saw an ant, I thought ‘there’s an ant in the flat’. And the next day I saw an ant and I thought ‘oh, there he is.’
It’s the same one?
And this went on for a couple of weeks, and then one day I moved the telephone table, there’s loads of them there. They went, [gasps]. Hoovered them. Hoovered the lot of them.
No.
I'll give you an extra two points if you can tell me the longest fence in the world.
The Great Fence of China!
It's to keep people off the Great Wall.
There's a village in Nuremburg whose name means "eavesdropper" in German. Now, what did this village provide the whole world with for almost 100 consecutive Christmases?
War criminals.
Oh, dear.
[starts revolving his arm as though roasting on a spit] You know, the old tradition of roasting a war criminal.... With a glass of sherry... "Cheers, Mr Pumblechook!"
God in Heaven! Oh, Lord.
Compliments of the season!
Did they...
[German accent] "I was obeying orders!" [continues roasting on the spit while drinking deeply from a glass of sherry]
[When asked which was the odd one out from London, Paris, Poland and Banana, all places on Christmas Island …]
The answer is that none of them are the odd one out.
What kind of hellish quiz is this? "Which one's the odd one out? None of them! Bahahaaa! Bahahaaa! …"
Is that meant to be me? [Phill was impersonating Stephen's braying laugh in his role in Blackadder Goes Forth as General Melchett.]
That's you!
Oh, bugger you! I don't sound like that—bahahaaa, bahahaaa …
Which was the second species of animal for humans to domesticate after the dog?
A cat.
No.
Prove it!
Beetle-fanciers, as you probably know, are called—
Coleopterists.
Very good! Coleopterists. I'll give you five points for that.
Press him on how the hell he knows that.
Well, when I was a child, I—
In Alan's world, knowing something is a kind of freakish, weird thing.
Welcome to my world of knowing! The wonderful world of looking up things in books!
[discussing rainbows] In Estonia they believe that if you point at a rainbow, your finger will fall off.
Oh, for God's sake.
I know.
Estonians aren't stupid people, are they?
They're not.
[holding up his fists] They're very stumpy, though.
She disguised herself as a man to sneak into the king’s chamber.
No. She was just very miffed at not being able to marry.
You sound like you’re in a school play then. “She disguised herself as a man...!” You’re supposed to be an actor!
Have you never seen Jonathan Creek?
[about woodpeckers' tongues] How does it fit into its mouth, you may wonder? Well, it has to wrap it round its brain and the back of its eye sockets. Funnily enough, woodpeckers are very popular on creationist websites, because they argue that this is such an extraordinary creature designed so fit for its purpose, and so on, that only a designer could have made it, it couldn't have evolved. Apart from everything else, when it moves, sometimes up to fifteen or sixteen times a second it beats the wood to make a hole, which is incredibly fast and generates immense forces—two hundred and fifty times more forces than an astronaut is subjected to. It's a thousand Gs. And it has these extraordinary kind of little muscles and cartilages around its brain to stop it from shattering. [suddenly laughs] If the pecker's got wood, why go for tongue, you may argue! Um … [giggles as everyone stares at him] … but it is pretty astonishing …
Could we maybe have an offshoot of this program called Quite Unnecessary? Can I be on that?
When I was a teenager, someone I knew gave their dog LSD …
Oh, my Lord!
… It went to Glastonbury.
Phil, one for you, I think. What goes ‘woof, woof, boom’?
PJPhil Jupitus
Suicidal corgi. The next Norwegian entry for the Eurovision Song Contest? [Singing.] “My heart goes woof, woof, boom.”
A terrierist!
Eight hundred Americans die in a McDonald's every year.
Which one? Best to avoid that one.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.