Criminal Minds · Season 1, Episode 15
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
[Roz places a large box on Mac's desk.]
What's that?
Evidence from the Darcy case. They need IDs.
[looks inside] Aw, man! These are those damn sex toys! How am I supposed to identify these? [They both look across the room at Dan. Mac carries the box over.] Hey, Dan! You know this stuff?
[looks inside, big smile] Like the palm of my hand.
[drunk] Buddy! Harry! I've gotta go! I've gotta stop him!
[She rushes to the door, and crashes into it]
I used to do that a lot. But I'm feeling much better now!
This whole thing is... a scam. It's like a play.
A play?
This is part of a government sting to catch some criminals who have been bribing judges.
Really? Then all that stuff Christine told me about your feeling alone without any family, that was all part of the act?
Right.
Whoo! What a relief. And to think I almost told you that I was your father.
You mean my stepfather.
No, I mean your real father. But now I guess there's no need to tell you.
What?
Heck, I always figured you'd be better off not knowing anyway, so you won't hear it from me.
All right, Buddy, whatever you have to say, go ahead and lay it out. Nothing that you can say could possibly faze me now!
You were born in a mental institution!
...I stand corrected.
Your mom was really pretty messed up when she first moved into the hospital. To give you an idea, I actually helped her. It was just the two of us. We clung to each other for support. And that support grew into friendship. And that friendship grew into love.
And that's... where I came into the picture.
Yeah.
Well, it's been quite an eventful day, Harry. Even by my standards. You sure you're all right?
Well, let's see. I got knocked around by an inept government agent, went through a severe identity crisis, and nearly got myself killed... [grins] But I'm feeling much better now!
I need to talk to you, Roz. Is there someplace quiet?
Doesn't get quieter than up here!
[They both look at him.]
...Ah. Well, I could leave you in the custody of a fellow bailiff...
[He gives Roz an obvious wink, then goes downstairs.]
That was stupid. He knows he's not supposed to leave you alone with me.
Because you might let me go?
Because I might throw you off the roof!
I'd like to talk about what you did up on the roof.
[modestly] Oh, that's okay, Roz, you don't have to thank...
What the hell is the matter with you?! You knew how I felt about James! You never leave a prisoner with someone who might let him go! Now you could have lost your job. And don't you ever do anything like that again, do you hear me?
[looks down, tiny voice] Yes, ma'am.
Good. Now bend over.
[Bull looks up in alarm. Wincing, he leans down... and Roz kisses him tenderly on the crown of his head.]
[softly] Thank you.
[dressed as Geordi La Forge] Admit it, the old Enterprise was a piece of junk!
[dressed as Mr. Spock] Oh, yeah? How would you like a Vulcan death grip?
[They start to fight, Bull grabs them both by the collarbone]
Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!
How do you like the Bailiff Bull grip?
Your Honor, the defendants were arrested after a disturbance that erupted during a seminar on "Androids on Starfleet Command Vehicles"... Don't you guys ever just get loaded and hire a stripper?
Captain Kirk would never have allowed androids on the bridge! Rules are rules.
Oh, yeah? He didn't seem to have any trouble breaking the Prime Directive anytime he felt like it!
Go suck on a Tribble!
Go sit on a phaser!
OOOOHHH! [slams gavel] None of that language in my courtroom. Defense.
My clients plead innocence.
On What Grounds?!
They claim to be victims of a mind meld.
A mind meld?! Oh come on. Get real, guys. Star Trek is a TV show for crimity sakes. I'm gonna fine you each $30 and I suggest you stop living with your parents. [slams gavel]
You have no authority over us!
I beg your pardon?
We are governed by the laws of the Federation.
Is that so?! Ok, that's contempt, Chuckle! One day in the county jail! [slams gavel again]
Well, I happen to be the owner of five thousand acres of prime New Jersey swampland, that might interest one Jordan King.
How do you know that?
A little birdie told me.
Dan, you heard that from Bull!
All right, a huge bald condor told me.
Dan, that information was privileged! Don't you have any scruples?
[grandly amused] You've known me for five years. You can ask me that question?
So, Dan, how did it go with Jordan King?
Ah, well, Harry... he's a tough customer, but I made sure he'll never forget the name Dan Fielding.
He took you to the cleaners, huh?
[slumps in his chair and whimpers] Yes.
How bad was it? [Dan hands him King's check] $9,000? That's pretty good for a piece of swampland. What'd you pay for it?
[Dan writes a figure on a piece of paper and passes it to Harry. Harry compares the two]
Oh, come on, Dan, so you lost a couple of bucks. One day you'll look back on this... [he stops, and compares the two papers again] ...No. Don't look back on this.
[after the staff reads Dan's death threat, a bum walks into Harry's office, reaching into his coat]
I'm looking for Fielding...
IT'S HIM, HE'S GOT A GUN!
[He dives behind Harry's couch while Christine sprays the bum in the eyes]
Eat mace, bozo!
Ah, geez, lady, I'm a cop! [shows his badge]
You must be Detective Giuliano. I'm Judge Stone, the lump behind the couch is Dan Fielding. Of course you already met the lovely Christine Sullivan.
[still blinking off the mace] Charmed.
Well, what was I supposed to think? You have... doggie doo on your shoes.
I'm undercover, I put it there!
[Dan is hiding from his stalker disguised in a "borrowed" nun's outfit]
[not seeing his face] Sister? Sister please, I have a confession to make of a personal nature.
[Dan starts to speak up, but changes his mind.]
[high-pitched voice] Oh, well, why don't we come sit down over here, my child.
Thank you, sister. Oh, I'm ashamed to say that I have just had an impulsive carnal liaison with a man.
Whoo! Yes, well, my child, tell me, all about it.
Well, the worst part is I was weak when a friend's life was in danger.
Yes, tut-tut, now, about this liaison, um, I need details for true forgiveness.
I don't know where to start.
Were you naked?
No! No. We just kissed.
Oh, I see, my child. Did he stick his tongue down your throat?
[perplexed] What?
Did he make balloon animals out of your panties?
[pulls back the wimple and sees him] DAN! [starts whaling on him] DAN FIELDING, YOU BIG PERVERT!
[she storms away]
[Dan scorns the idea of using Madame Rochelle as a medium.]
Oh, no expert, huh? Well then, how do I know that as a child, you were called "Potato Face"?
[seizes her by the shoulders] HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? WHO TOLD YOU THAT? [lets go of her and composes himself] I have no idea what she's talking about.
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