[not wanting to send Roz back to holding] Mr. McCracken, is there any chance you might change your mind?
MMcCracken
I'll change my mind when Hell has frozen over, and the sun has turned to dust!
All right!
“Unfinished Business” · Season 1, Episode 15
In this episode: Dean Winchester (940), Damon Salvatore (715), Sam Winchester (665), Olivia Benson (637), Stephen Fry (608), Narrator (554), Clark Kent (523), Nate (486)
MDr. Malloy
Okay, I'm ready. You can send in the next couple.
So tell me, Doc. What are you trying to do with these gauges and meters and stuff?
MDr. Malloy
We are trying to isolate the trigger mechanisms that stimulate human sexual arousal.
Couple of pina coladas and my hormones will be wearing party hats, babe.
MDr. Malloy
Mr. Fielding, these experiments are of a serious and professional nature.
Well, Dr. Malloy, I'll have you know that I have logged thousands of hours of field experience covering the entire range of tacto-physiokinetic responses in relation to... Whoa! Here are the naked people.
MDr. Malloy
We call them subjects.
[grabs microphone] Let the games begin!
So, you think your old alma mater's got a real chance this year, huh?
I'm telling you, Mac, this is the best team that East Chesapeake has seen since a scrappy midfielder name of Harry T. Stone s...
DMDan/Mac/Bull/Roz
[in unison] Scored the winning goal to bring mighty Florida Tech to its knees.
Ah, the legend lives.
You know, with everything that goes on around here, I'm surprised someone hasn't been killed!
[stands, brightly] I was!
...I know I'll probably regret asking this, but could you please elaborate on that?
Well, you see... it was a dark and stormy night...
[Clip from Episode 5.03, "Death of a Baliff"]
So the reasons I have for the destruction of the three uniforms are "sat on a bomb," "hit by lightning," and "ripped to shreds by a small Asian woman."
Sounds right to me.
[After viewing clips from "Dan, the Walking Time Bomb" [5.12], "Death of a Baliff" [5.03], and "Here's to You, Mrs. Robinson" [4.20].]
My God, he's gonna kill us!
Oh relax, Mr. Edwards.
He's got a gun! How can you be so calm?
Because thanks to the crack security you've given us around here, we've kind of gotten used to this sort of thing.
Don't cry on my shoulder, Judge Stone. We provide you with the best security money can buy.
Yeah? Well, have you thought about maybe taking a couple of days to train 'em first?!
What I am saying is that I remain unconvinced that for some reason, bizarre incidents keep happening in your courtroom.
[Distant crash, rumble.]
What the hell...?
[Everyone ruses to the courtroom.]
Oh, my dear Lord!
[Bull is standing there, eating popcorn and apparently oblivious to the fact that a full-grown elephant is standing behind him, and in front of a very large hole in the wall.]
Hi, guys!
[Harry, speechless, turns to Mr. Edwards.]
Don't say a word. I believe everything you said. Just send me the bill and let's both forget we ever met each other. [flees]
[holding a sheaf of mail] Fan mail's here.
Ah yes, the Fielding juggernaut gathers steam!
These are Christine's. [extracts a small postcard] This one's for you.
[takes it] Well, every vote counts.
[While he checks the address, Roz reads the message on the other side.]
"Get your mud-sucking pig face off my TV."
Ah-ha. An undecided.
[re: his yellow sweater] Think it's a little bright?
No, Venus is a little bright. [into microphone] Warning, home viewers: do not stare directly into the sweater!
JWJudge Wilbur
Let's get the ground rules straight. I run my court differently than that yo-yo Stone. I don't do card tricks, I don't have dribble glasses, and I hate fun. Now let's go hang someone.
[in a holding cell]
CChip
What're you in for?
Uh, contempt of court. You?
CChip
Oh, we're just in for a little terror-and-mayhem spree 'tween here and South Carolina.
DDale
[jauntily] Eight robberies, six stolen cars, four kidnappings, and three mini marts... [noogies Dan in the stomach] burned to the ground!
Ted, we had so little time to talk. Did Christine tell you that I'm running for state assembly?
TTed
Yes, and I plan to give you every consideration.
Damn it, man, I need money!
TTed
I'm sorry, I never contribute to political campaigns. When you're in land development, it looks like you're currying favors.
Listen, if elected, I promise I won't do anything for you.
TTed
I'm sure you'll find support somewhere.
You bet I will! But I wouldn't be running for public office if I didn't think there was somebody out there who'd want to buy me!
[sees an envelope] All right, hallelujah! Cynthia Dalbey! The fruits of compromise. This is just the grease we need to get the Fielding campaign machine roaring again!
I can't believe you spent the night with that woman just for a campaign contribution.
I did it for the people. [opens the envelope and looks at the check] Twenty bucks?! Who does that overstuffed potato think I am?!
[reading a note that came with the check] This might explain it. "Dear Dan, you're no Jack Kennedy."
[on election night, Dan is lying in bed with his opponent, Joan Hobson]
Oh, baby... call me a "tool of the special interests" again.
I just came by to tell everybody that the victory party is off.
Oh Dan, I'm so sorry. I know how much the election meant to you.
There'll be other elections. Maybe next time I'll even get you to vote for me.
[He touches her elbow playfully, and she laughs despite herself.]
Well, that depends. Do you think you'll be facing Joan Hobson again?
[smiles] I certainly hope so. [kisses her cheek] Goodnight, Christine.
[surprised] Goodnight, Dan.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Criminal Minds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.